She’s like a wild honey badger
…with sharp teeth, sharper claws, a big open mouth bite, and after she ravages you to shreds, she hugs her stuffed pillow and tears fall down her face, pooling along her collarbone until her eyes are puffy. One minute she is sorry and wants a hug, the next she wants a strong drink and to be left alone, and then she’s savage AF!
She is a 40 year old woman with PMS.
Listen… it’s real out here for us.
Our melanin and our curls might be poppin’, but our hormones are acting simultaneously pubescent and menopausal. We might scream, be quiet, cry, or laugh maniacally all in a matter of minutes. Oh and then we might just get naked because we have a surge of heat welling up through our bodies that feels just like we are housing the city of Phoenix underneath our left bosom and the fire and brimstone of Hades underneath our right… it is blues and it is funk, but trust me, it ain’t alright.
Then, some of us have both pubescent children and menopausal mothers, and when we all get together and sync up, it is like watching hyenas carrying on a conversation about their prey. Yelps and such…
Or there are just males around… getting served up on platters for our appetizer. We don’t mean to feast on you, and on the other 27 days of the month, we adore you, but if you make yourself too available, we might just pounce, and not in that good Darius and Nina kind of way, but that Ike and Tina way. It won’t be nice, but it will be rough.
PMS, also known as Pissy Mood Syndrome, it is really a household illness. It is not just our problem… it a manifestation of all you love about us… our tenderness, cuddle-ability, softness and our ability to get shit done and keep our abode running like a well oiled machine. Dance class, basketball practice, lunches, dinner, the ring around the tub and the ring around some of our fingers are all in a days work. PMS is like the little minions we have inside doing all that work going on strike. They are daring you to cross the picket line.
But we are family… Together, we can use these tactics to get through it unscathed:
1. Keep all stupid things to yourself, or discuss them amongst one another. Keep it far away from my earshot.
2. Don’t ask me for anything… there is peanut butter and jelly in the kitchen.
3. I am hot, don’t touch me.
4. I don’t know why I am crying, leave me alone.
5. Bring me ice cream, cheese, donuts, bacon…and all in silence.
6. Unless it’s how to string together curse words most efficiently, I might be forgetful, so Remind me, carefully, to take my Ashwagandha, Oil of Evening Primrose, to go meditate or bust open my chakras. I might need reminders. Empower me!
7. Did I mention that I was hot, move.
8. You act pissy too, so don’t act like this is just me. Shit.
9. I am sensitive…like extremely, very, extraordinarily… I just hurt my own feelings.
10. It’s temporary… so we all have to act like it, even the afflicted. It is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Let’s help each other, help each other… oh, and have your pet spayed or neutered… last thing we need is Cujo up in the crib PMSing. Thanks.