I posted that this morning on Facebook.
I am pretty cryptic on Facebook, because I’m very private and I might have something to say or have learned a lesson I believe is worth sharing, but that’s all I’m willing to share. But this time, I was asked to expound, by people who support and show love to me consistently. What an honor. So you stand tf up in your greatness and do what you do best. So just call me She Will Heal aka Poe-Etta the Human Go-Getta aka Sage StCroix. I’m on my Erykah Badu today. Headwrap and all. (Ok I washed my hair, it’s a towel…whatever).
On Sunday, I was faced with the realization that some people, no matter how hard they try, just don’t know how to love back. At least not in a consistent and dedicated manner, which is the only kind of love I am interested in. They may try, may think they are loving you, but really they are unhealed and projecting their scars onto you.
When you were young and free from the very real responsibilities of parenthood and adulthood, it was easier. Love just flowed from your heart like water. Fairly unscathed by and maybe just unaware of how our experiences would come to shape us. It isn’t until you can process those experiences that you fully understand their impact. Experiencing trauma in any form, especially as a child, is just your experience at the time. It’s not until the real damage the experiences have done hit you as you grow and mature, that the true trauma starts. When you haven’t gotten there yet, you are very free to live and love openly and freely and without fear. But when the trauma hits the fan… Fear!
They say life’s a bitch, well fear must be it’s pimp, because it is stifling, predatory, a mental and physical prison without chains, and controls every move you make and every step you take. It is the bastard of trauma. It robs you of your security, confidence, assurance, and awareness. It’s the little girl from the Bad Seed pushing you into the deep end when you can’t swim and into the fire to burn. And when you aren’t raised in love… it’s you. Slave to your fears and illegitimate child of your trauma.
So many of us try to love people who are still caught in the web of their painful experiences, struggling to get out, but without the proper tools or guidance to navigate that trauma. So we become, naturally, involved in it. Sometimes just as a supporter in their healing but other times as a self-sacrifice. It is the latter that robs us of our needs and wants and puts us center stage in full Joan of Arc character, ready to be burned at the stake. Instead we have to demand the other party rise up in their shit and walk in it… until they reach dry land. They must do their own work. And no you can’t walk behind with a pooper scooper, it’s their shit…. Do the work.
So I’m always ready to do the work. Whatever it entails. Do I need to do more of this and less of that to get the desired result for the team? Sure, no problem, gimme an hour. Do we need the best shovel money can by to dig up these experiences and face them head on? Where is the closest Home Depot? No Home Depot, get me a paperclip, the blade of a metal fan, a brick, two screws and bolts, and a broom handle. Call me MacGalver.
Likewise, any partner, friend, family member, must be ready as well. We each need to get a part time job in solving our collective problems. I’m willing to support in any way. But a person still stuck in trauma can’t give anything their all, and the only out from that is them deciding they are ready to roll up their sleeves and dig in. Acknowledging, processing, talking through, and ultimately healing from the very real things that they experienced. Shit, we all have something. We aren’t to blame for it happening but we are certainly responsible to heal it.
When you have unhealed trauma, you become that traumatic experience for others and self-sabotage in every realm of your life…
So your parent leaving you and not being present; being physically present but not emotionally available; their deception; drug use; ignoring how their new girlfriend or boyfriend looked at you with desire; or simply their failure to properly parent… is abandonment, and until you get to the bottom of that, you will fail to be present for others and will likewise abandon them. You will fail to finish the things you start. You will take on too much that you know you can’t complete, in fear of failure. Your inability to commit to everything will leave you alone, lonely, and unaccomplished.
Your chaotic home; lack of discipline; the failure of those around you to address and maintain boundaries; toxic behaviors; and any lack of organization, order, respect, and peace that you experienced growing up… is turmoil, and it manifests itself in your own chaos and toxicity. So you rob people of their peace. And you have no peace. You bring dysfunction with you into every space, and it lingers around you like smoke, debilitating anyone who comes into contact with you.
If you had to fend for yourself; every step you took was in the face of violence and unsafety; cuz mama had to have a life too you were changing diapers, making syrup sandwiches, and had a switchblade ready in case someone strange knocked at the door; or you just simply had to take care of yourself in hopes that you made it to the next morning…. that’s survival, and when it’s all you’ve known you only know how to hustle and protect yourself at all costs. Loving isn’t your game, and you likely play Russian Roulette with other people’s hearts to protect your own. You project your fears onto everything. You make other people nervous because you are overly aggressive, and yet you are timid in trying anything new.
Yet, when you grow up in love, a nurturing environment that teaches you your value and the value of the other people living in the world with you, that supports you, that protects you, and that imparts confidence and assurance that you can be anything you set your mind to… that’s love, and in turn you know how to support, respect, and honor others. To show love you have to have seen it. That love emanates from you like a light. Everyone sees it and they navigate towards you. Opportunity is at your every corner. Success is yours for the taking.
So again, the experience was out of your control… but the responsibility to heal from any hurt or pain you were left with is yours. Get your shovel, your tissues, unpack that baggage, get a therapist, open your mouth and your heart, and do your work. And vow that until you are healed properly, you will take extra care of those around you by acknowledging that you have limitations and giving them the option of rocking with you or not. Everybody isn’t equipped to deal with the vestiges of your trauma.
As for me, I’m navigating the situation. I am not a sacrificial lamb, but I will happily support someone I care about through their healing. But if you knocked on my door with your briefcase in hand, ready for the first day on the job I expect you to be ready to do what you say you are prepared to do. Because when I answered, I was suited up with my pearl studs on and my blouse perfectly starched. My lowest offer was at the top of the scale, and I promised you an office with a spectacular view. I am worth you doing your work, because I’m already ready to move us both to the next level. Get like me. I’m a healer. Now where is my sage…