Men are from Mars… Women are from Venus
I don’t know if those planetary distinctions are true… but we are clearly different in many ways. For me, dealing with adult men is not so difficult… irritating and frustrating at times, but difficult, No, cuz I can cut them off. However, being the mother to a teenage son is …well… ALOT! And I can’t just put him on the curb.
“Out of this world/Are you an alien?” OutKast, E.T.
- You is kind.
- You is smart.
- You is important.
- You is messy.
- You is lazy.
- You is addicted to electronics.
- You is a Bigfoot, with big ass feet.
- You is funky… you need to take a shower.
Until they reach about 11, they love you more than anything on the planet. They come into the room you are in just to see you, hug you, kiss you. They wanna hold your hand in public. They get excited when they see you. They miss you. They bring their favorite board game into your room and ask you to play. Kind, smart, and important. And then, they get stupid. And it’s not their fault. Poor things. Messy, lazy, and funky.
“I say look boy, I ain’t for that fuck shit; so fuck this/Let me explain on this child style so you don’t miss.” -OutKast, Two Dope Boys in a Cadillac
Puberty is the teenagers PMS, mixed with the forgetfulness and brain farts the stress of work, family, and lack of self-care can bring in their mothers. Having PMS and being delayed of brain could lead to the deaths of millions… and having a pubescent teenage boy in your realm somedays feels like the end is certainly near, for one of you. That’s the best way I can describe boys from 11-15. We knew instinctively that Queen Honey Badger Cersei and King Puberty Joffrey would self destruct…we just weren’t sure who would remain in the end. Well, let me tell you, this ain’t for the faint of heart. These kids will take you TF out if you let them.
Sex, hormones, mood swings, body odor, body hair, video games, rap music, girls, stupidity, and don’t give a shit… all wrapped up into one human body. I call him #theteen, he was formerly #theboy. I found out I was pregnant at 27, and he quickly gave my body hell. I didn’t know it was a premonition of what would come when the balls started to drop. Prior to puberty hitting, he was so sweet. Then one day he woke up and his usually gait to the bathroom was replaced with sliding feet along the hardwood floor. He sighed one after the other until I heard the door slam. I think he even pee’d in slow motion. And that’s the only liquid I heard. He emerged and I recall asking… did you wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your face?
He pirouetted around …
And went back in the bathroom. I heard water turn on and just as quickly turn off and here came the foot sliding… And I knew we had hit an impasse. So you just gonna have pee hands, funky breathe, AND dried slob on your face? Heeeerrrre we go…
“You got me bent like elbows, amongst other things, but I’m not worried.” -OutKast, ATLiens
We had entered the Matrix, and I was Oracle to the young Neo. But the reality soon hit that this was going to be a process. He would need discipline, order, structure, activity, and expectations heaped upon him like military gear… because this was the battle before the war. He’d never make it as a man if he couldn’t find ways to push beyond these crazy things happening to his body and all the information being pumped into his mind. And be clear, our kids can find every piece of porn, violence, make meth like this video from Instagram to YouTube in 5 seconds flat. Momo should be scared of these kids.
Once an avid reader and very obedient, now all this boy wanted to do was play video games. So I had mandatory reading milestones. And when he couldn’t obey the game rules, we got rid of it. When schoolwork was affected by his newfound laziness, I instituted a reward system for staying on top of it and his chores. He’s not gotten the reward YET… but there is still time. And when he just decided to act like he had no home training, I made him wash walls, do wall sits holding the heaviest items in the house, run up and down the stairs, dust the baseboards to pass the white glove test. I got an arsenal of tactical training. There was no need for me to raise my blood pressure, his punishment would be his own exertion of energy.
He suddenly lost his voice and use of all his words unless it was at the tv, the minute he saw his equally strange puberty stricken friends, or during his Call of Duty missions and Madden tournaments. We once went to someone’s house, and as I greeted everyone I realized his jacket was thrown in a chair and he was nowhere to be seen, having never heard his voice once we crossed the threshold. I could hear him whooping it up with the kids in the back, and immediately excused myself and brought him back into the room, his lower earlobe between my thumb and index finger to say hello to the individuals whose home we just entered. I excused us again, took him in the restroom, and read him for filth. I don’t play those games, and I let him know disrespect earns kids under 5 feet a swift spanking and over 5 feet a Koko B. Ware drop kick.
It took me a while to get it though. I yelled, got angry, and even once cried when my olfactory senses were attacked and I had to wash a load of clothes twice because he had decided showers and deodorant were optional. I made him wash his own funky ass clothes. His response…this stinks. Welcome to the legacy of your filth. Partake and be merry. He showers daily now.
“We moving up in the world like elevators.” -OutKast, Elevators
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and teenage boys live temporarily on Uranus, because all of them go through a period where they act a certified ASS! So, whether you call then aliens or extraterrestrials…these jokers are from another planet. Just pull up your big girl panties, strap your boobies in, put on your combat boots… cuz you’ll have to stomp like the big dog to make sure he understands that despite how tall he grows, how deep his voice, the amount of hair on his face, or how it hangs… you brought him in this world, and you’ll take his ass out like Ghostbusters.
“It took your momma nine months to make it/But it only took a nigga thirty minutes to take it.” -OutKast, Wheels of Steel