Roll of Thunder

Most things I write I think about and plan… not today.

There is a thunderstorm outside, and I’m sitting by the window and it’s silent in the room. No tv, no music, no people, no disturbance. I recalled last night I had a dream and I was in a boat. A rowboat. There were several other people rowing their little hearts out around me, and suddenly the man next to me fell in. Someone yelled to me to help him… and I said “No.” They remarked that I had on a vest, and I should help him, and I responded, “No.” No one else was jumping in, including the man yelling demands at me. I didn’t tell him that I couldn’t swim or even that I was sure this man was a horrible person… I was at peace with my decision to stay in my rowboat. Suddenly, the man popped up out of the water and swam to shore. At the same time, all of these items also surfaced.

“Hey that’s my wallet,” said one lady. “Oh my goodness, that’s my missing room key, ” said another lady. “That’s my watch… well it was,” said one of the guys.

As things surfaced people claimed them, and I looked at the man laying on the shore. Everyone else looked his way. He then let out a loud shrill yell and hollered for help. Once someone rowed to shore, he was just laying there, a scorpion on his face. It got dark suddenly, and this shined bright in the sky.

The Scorpio constellation.

I woke up.

We are constantly reminded about who we are, and how the traits were given to us come together to form a whole human and set of experiences. We are all teachers. We are all students. I have a certain set of gifts that I’m supposed to share and so do you. I happen to believe we often feel like someone wrote our horoscopes like they know us or are secretly watching our lives because we are connected to the whole universe. The way the moons, stars, and galaxy aligned when we were born makes us who we are just as much as our DNA.

I am a Scorpio. A textbook Scorpio. I’m super determined and ambitious. I plan out everything, set a timeline, and get to it. I am loyal, sometimes to my own detriment. I generally say exactly what I mean. I stand up for what is right and take responsibility for my shit. If you want to be around me you must do the same. I’m protective of my space, peace, and energy. I can’t stand ignorance or bullshit. I am an investigator… super sleuth level. I just need a piece of hair and a recent photo. (I’m kidding…) And I’m NEVER wrong about people… ever! If I tell you they ain’t shit… bank on finding that out for yourself later. If you are good, I see it. If you are full of shit, I smell it. I hold grudges. I don’t fight fair. I often have analysis paralysis. I’m not friendly. Injurious criticism hurts my feelings, a lot, if I feel like you should know me well enough to come at me better. I’m super sensitive about some stuff and most other things I could care less about.

When you are aware of and unapologetic about who you are, truly, other people’s opinions of you don’t matter and you are freer to be exactly who you are meant to be without concern about what people will think or say. When you are sure about yourself, you in turn are sure about the decisions you make, who you share your space and time with, and your value and worth. There is only one you… only one person who was born on the day and time of your birth, to your parents, who looks like you, acts like you, and is your special combination of traits, genes, experiences, and thoughts. Fine not because other people attest to it, but because you are. Strong and smart not because they says so, but because it is so. You are ALSO clear about your flaws… you don’t make excuses for them or your behavior, but admit to them and at least attempt to be better. People can be honest with you, and you can hear them without needing to defend yourself. It’s either helpful or to be discarded. It’s a level of respect for self that doesn’t need outside validation or condemnation …

You have to demand respect in this world, ain’t nobody just gonna hand it to you. How you carry yourself, what you stand for–that’s how you gain respect. But…ain’t nobody’s respect worth more than your own.

Mildred Taylor, Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry

If you pay attention, the universe and everything in it will come together to remind you and assure you that when you are being unapologetically you, the world around you cooperates. Nature will match your energy. People who are good for you will venture near, and everyone else will fall off. The things you need and want will be appear in your hands like magic. Likewise when you attempt to conform to what you think people want you to be… more disharmony will follow. People don’t respond to the disingenuous, they either retreat from it or attack it. Good won’t come to you because you won’t be receptive to it… you can’t even see the good in yourself. You have to decide to fix whatever it is that leads you towards that disrespect of self… or make excuses for it and blame others until you find yourself alone. Not just minus company but minus the magic. What makes you… you!

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive…who is you-er than you! Shout loud, “I am lucky to be what I am! Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or a ham or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam! I am what I am!

-Dr Seuss

The thunder has stopped. It’s still quiet. I think I’ll break the silence by listening to ratchet ass trap music while I clean up the house and drink this horrible detoxing tea. It’s Sunday, y’all probably listen to Fred Hammond on Sunday. Doesn’t Two Chainz wear a Jesus Piece? Anyway, you be you, imma be me!

(Artwork by Lauryn Blanks, student at Cranbrook Girls Middle School and amazing daughter to one of my amazing friends.)

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