The dating pool that is… and the shit is fresh!

Yep, if you are single and in your 40s, it might be best to take up Cricut crafting, learn to backwards skate on your hardwoods, or maybe even pull out those old Billy Blanks VHS boys and tae bo your way to that 1980s flat stomach…but dating… CHILE.

So I know some awesome men, so I know they exist. The problem is I always date men I already know or know of… and that has not gone so great. So if you want something different, you do something different right… so let’s meet a man I don’t know already, I said to myself. I hadn’t thought that out well though, since I rarely go anywhere anymore. I mean I love him deeply, but the Amazon man is not my type. So my dearest boonapolis suggested a dating site… and I figured that would give me time to ready myself should God send my rich husband anytime soon… So ok.

Did I mention the pee and dead bodies …

These are real conversations…

This not joy. This is not the dude I could “sit and talk to…for hours.” This is not fair. Chitlin boy had on Cazals, a kangol, and a silver Jesus Piece. I cannot Krush Groove with you homeboy. I do not have the hook up. Ass man had an eye that was less sure of itself than Forest Whitaker’s joint. Then the Hi guy… yeah I’m not playing these reindeer games with your ass. Say something.

It’s definitely shit pebbles floating past you in the dating pool.

Then… THEN they using all these acronyms that really just mean “I like freak shit!” I am an ENM, seeking FWB, with NSA. I am D2F on a ONS, and I am EVWE! (in order of use: Ethically Non-Monogamous; Friends with Benefits; No Strings Attached; Down to f#{%; One Night Stand; and Extremely Very Well-Endowed). All the No’s in No Village! I mean this gives a whole new meaning to alphabet people. So many men are trying to practice polyamory with polyhater pockets. Sir, you need a lot of money to have a lot of women. You barely have enough for one, and I’m not eating beans and vienna sausages for dinner just to look across at you. I’ll have a filet on my plate… cuz that is what is on my plate now. Ain’t nobody downgrading for your raggedy ass.

Then others on the long ball side of fifty talking about they want more kids. Kids???? Is kids another name for Icy Hot? You want a woman to have children at 45 and up!?!? Can you retire her? Are you prepared to pay all the bills while she stays home the entire pregnancy until the child goes to a full day of school? You got college money saved? You got a ranch style house, cuz who chasing DeVante up the stairs? You know where they sell patience… cuz my good sis will need some after Madison does a 265 cartwheels in a row, saying, “Ma, Ma, Ma, look.” EACH TIME! Can you handle all that big daddy? If not, you better join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. The hell. A baby…

Point is… It’s shit in the dating pool… so be careful out here.