At the big age of 45… enough is enough.
I have been in relationship with men since high school, with small windows of complete singlehood in between, that has taken me through a marriage, long term commitments with people from my past I should have left in my past, and two or three “dating” scenarios that had the excitement of period panties. I realized, after my last go round, that there are a lot of men who don’t like women… they want to sleep with us, they like the way we look or smell, they like our meals and coming home to a clean place to lie down, but they don’t really LIKE women. Let me be more clear, a number of heterosexual Black men do not like Black women.
I said what I said! If you genuinely like women, I’m not talking about you, so relax.
Talking to my boonapolis (Greek for bestie) about men and relationships, specifically the lessons I learned that she didn’t need to learn through experience, she mentioned this live video, singer (he is fabulous, btw), Durand Bernarr posted about this very subject. I watched the video. While he didn’t say this expressly, what I took from it was that Black heterosexual men have cut off their ability to tap into the feminine, and until they get that shit together, sistas need to figure out something else. We all possess masculine and feminine energy. In order to have complete access to our emotional selves, we must embrace both. Feminine energy, not to be confused with womanhood, focuses on being collaborative, nurturing, intuitive, and compassionate. Likewise, masculine energy is logical, focused, goal-driven, and structured.
We talked about her parents; her father adores her mother. They give each other what they need and like… He gets a plate with three sides and she gets a new refrigerator at mere mention. If she liked diamonds, shoes, and handbags… she’d have those. He cares about what she likes, listens to her. Smiles the biggest when surrounded by his family, which is full of women. We talked about my grandparents, my grandfather took care of a house of women. He made us things with his hands. He took care of everything. He stood up for his wife, even when she was wrong…leaving whatever grievances between the two of them. He loved having all of us around. He basked in our presence. What was also true about her father, my grandfather, and men of their times, was even though they were successful and financially sound, their focus was on finding a good woman and creating a family. These men provided not just to get a woman, but to care for a woman. These men protected not just physically but emotionally. They wanted to be in relationship with a woman.
So what happened… well here’s my take. While men generations before them sought to be like their fathers and great family men before them, it seems that many men in our generation aspire instead to the wealth and status of White men. They seem to crave admission into the halls of White, male, capitalist patriarchy and all that it brings and includes… access, wealth, opportunity in the positive side and misogyny, selfishness, and greed on the negative. This includes the great White way of pathology against those unlike them. So some Black men have taken on the tradition of deeming Black women as pathological… over-sexualized, too independent, and difficult objects of desire to be possessed, not partners to be in true relationship with. They marry and commit to women for the spoils of marriage. In return, they appear to only provide and protect to keep her around, to mother their children and themselves, not out of genuine care and concern. Therefore negating our very communal ancestry, and effectively resulting in Black men, just like White men, relegating women to sexual conquests who cook and clean. What is there to like, care about, value in someone you see as your personal whore and maid.
Welp… I for one have had enough. I think about the relationships I have been in… and because I am in tune with my feminine and masculine… it is now clear to me, many of them wanted to mute the masculine in me. At least it is what the conceive as masculine. They saw me standing up for myself (when they wanted me meek), speaking out loud my wants and needs (when they wanted me silent), and being independent (when they wanted me dependent)… as negative. They saw my assertiveness and determination about anything other than them as a threat. They saw my determined, assertive, and down ass friends as a threat. Many men believe women should forgo happiness for responsibility to them. That women who choose themselves are selfish. That women should sacrifice all we are for their needs and wants. Those niggas don’t like women. They WANT women to possess, but they don’t like us. In retrospect, a few of my exes didn’t really like me. 🤷🏽♀️
But guess who does like me… ME!
So that’s who I am focused on. That’s who I’m growing for, trying to get better for, loving on. I have zero time to talk to and sit across from some man who could care less about what I’m saying, thinking, feeling, or what I want and need. I don’t have time for folks who only function in dysfunction. I don’t need someone jealous of me or trying to compete with me like I’m some boy he’s squaring up with. I am not interested in weak minded individuals who want me to believe they are men yet they cannot control their own lives. I won’t put up with a “let’s go dutch” nigga who has asked me to make time, space, and room for him in my day, when his only purpose is to figure out how amenable I am to his whims. Nor am I interested in someone who lacks empathy and compassion and believes men should only be aggressive and aloof.
I refuse to play the dating game. I won’t throw dice, wait my turn, spin the wheel, or pick a card to give someone who doesn’t like me, access to me. I’ll be over here taking care of me until a man steps up purposely with the intent to engage with a woman because he enjoys women, listen to a woman, learn from a woman, and value her because of who she be, not what’s in her pants or wallet. That man will be prepared to properly answer the question, “What do you like about women?”
“All I gotta say is that they don’t really care about us!” -MJ