So have you seen that Tik Tok where the guy lists the top three worst zodiac signs according to the FBI? If not, its Sagittarius, Scorpios, and Cancers. Now I know a lot of all three, and I happen to be one of the three. But first, let’s talk about the other two.

Sagittarius… they some muthafuckas, in a good way. My play cousin (we’ll call her Joy) growing up was Sagittarius, and she always intrigued me. Joy was always super popular by nature, all the kids came to her house to see when she was coming outside. At twelve she had a pair of leather pants, always fly. She always cool, barely ever took it above a good 6 on the volume, and she sat back in the cut, observed. I rarely heard her say anything mean about anyone, no need. Her light shined bright until it turned to flames… and she went from commanding the room to burning it down. At twelve. And according to the FBI, Sags go for the grand finale… big numbers and big targets and big money… Bundy, Stalin, and Pablo Escobar. Last one standing or the one to fall.

Cancers… now my boonapolis (Greek for bestie), we’ll call her Aisha, is a Cancer. So lemme explain this to you. The most dangerous people go from 0 to 60 real fast, well think of Cancers as the Deloreans of this shit, 0 to 60 in 2.8 seconds…. And fuck a flux capacitor, that’s unnecessary. If you are ever out and you hear someone go from laughing to “I will drag you down these stairs” or just hear randomly “Do I need to fight”… that’s a Cancer, or Aisha, and they already ready. You should run or get stole on. The damage is done. Now the Tik Tok vid said they commit crimes of jealousy… I think it’s less about jealousy and more about passion. They passionately want to hurt you. I think what they are most jealous of is when another person gets to their target before they do. No satisfaction in watching another mofo drag you down the stairs… Cancers want all the smoke and all the fun. According to the FBI, they typically leave a mark to sign their crimes…. i’ll leave you with this, Aisha’s tagline…

“I will leave this size 10 footprint on your face!” (trailing with the faint hum of “Gangsta, Gangsta”)

So yep, I’m a Scorpio. Many of my friends are too. According to the FBI we are the serial killers. I’m not surprised. At all. So let me tell you a little story:

As a kid I either liked you or you almost didn’t exist. I can recall the names of most of the people I didn’t interact with regularly. I have no recollection. As a kid I didn’t know why that was, I just knew THAT it was. As I got older, I did become more compassionate, but in turn more intolerant. During one of my classes this girl was like well God made all of us. I said that only holds true for people who believe… the rest of these people just figured out how to screw and they mess around and make humans. Those humans, I think, are the ones that are just here. They have no purpose, no connection to the divine, so they wreak havoc. My professor interjected, that is the leading reason serial killers give for the people they killed… that they were basically getting rid of the evil on the planet. She asked if I agreed. I mean, you hurt yourself…

They named Taurus as honorable mention, and theirs are often crimes of fraud. I won’t name any names but I know a Taurus, we’ll call him William, who was taking apart and reconfiguring computer motherboards at 8 and is a coding genius, but says he doesn’t want to make apps because they all are just ways to collect information about us that we give strangers free reign to. Little hacker in training. Pisces were also mentioned as someone to look out for because in all their emotionality might rise a wolf in sheep’s clothing… this is most famously seen in Piscean John Wayne Gacy who killed folks in a clown outfit. They watch a lot of crime tv, but some stuff is just “too raw!” A Fish called Lynne.

What I know to be true is that most of any particular zodiac sign is not a criminal, but these water, fire, and earth signs have some gifts hidden in their crazy. What I also know to be true is that the FBI never ranked people by zodiac (An FBI spokesperson confirmed in an email to USA TODAY that the agency “has not conducted a study of the most dangerous zodiac signs”), but that doesn’t mean these “rankings” don’t bear some truth. We know air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) tend to be more fantastical… which the world needs too, but they are less err uhh, quick to drown, ignite, or shake. But water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) fear the shallow not the deep. Fire signs (Sagittarius, Aries, Leo) command the center of the room, but blow too hard and they’ll burn it down. And earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) focus on the dirt we are made of, the dirt we return to, and the dirt we do. These are gifts from the universe we must use to attract and manifest what we want and desire.

Let me give an example: I hadn’t noticed that an ex of mine had to leave out the room whenever I lit and smudged sage or palo santo. Yet this clown smoked cigarettes when I met him, those rank ass Newports (a habit he quit immediately cuz I don’t date people who smoke cigarettes… that’s nasty), and smoked weed like it was an Olympic sport. I wasn’t tapping into my deep as a Scorpio, I was dipping my foot into the shallow, just ignoring signs. God was trying to tell my water sign that he was the evil I should drown.

A fire sign in that situation should observe the room… you allergic to sage, oh you are Satan…, command it, and fill the room. Kill ALL the evil.

An earth sign in that situation should return that evil to the dirt it came from… and open the window and give that shit back to the streets. Let it catch the attention of passers by.

True story… God uses all things in His universe to remind us what our gifts are… even the FBI Most Wanted List. You don’t have to be Escobar, Dahmer, or Madoff, you can just be Aisha, Lynne, Joy, and William out here drowning evil with your passion, setting fire to what doesn’t serve you, and returning what’s for the streets back to the streets. Or you can just be magical and fantastic, because those folks send people to the moon and make the musical soundtrack to our lives. Whatever you do, make sure you vibrate at your highest and seek understanding, because the greatest understanding is love. And then you won’t have to hurt folks, God will get rid of that evil for you!

But I got the roscoe ready should you bring that purposeless foolishness this way…

Don’t hurt yourself.

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Random, I think in music a lot. When I was writing this, I heard, “Don’t Want Drama” by 8Ball and MJG” when talking about fire signs… “in any climate I’m shining” one minute and “buss a nigga head” the next.

About those water signs I heard “How Many” by Silkk the Shocker, Master P, MiaX, C-Murder, and Mystikal, “Ain’t gon never have to ask did she get ‘em!” “Where they at, what they tryna do, how many?… we got shit to live for you weak bitch, die skinny.”

As far as Earth signs, I heard Kendrick Lamar “Element”… “I’m willing to die for this shit… Imma make it look sexy.”

I got Lastly I heard “Alien Superstar” by Beyonce when talking about Air signs… “Unicorn is the uniform you put on…”