Reflection

Get rid of shit that doesn’t serve you! Yep… all if it. People, things, excuses, behaviors, thoughts. All of that shit. Just get one of those garbage bags from under the sink and start throwing stuff in that joker. That old brown pillow you said you’d keep if guests come, that was really where that raggedy ass nigga laid his head. That journal you never journaled in, but you jotted down Target lists because the thought of writing down what you were feeling made you more depressed than what you were feeling. That dress you could never fit, just showed off all the wrong stuff and none of that good shit you got. That dude, that broad, that cousin who only calls with a “could you” or a “can I”. That friend who has never befriended you. Calling that non-friend. Loaning money to jokers you know who will trick it off, and ain’t got it. Putting off that trip cuz it costs too much… it’ll only cost more later cuz inflation. Wearing those same tattered shoes, and saving your fancy ones.

Throw it ALL away.

It’s National Throw Shit Away Day!

It’s also National Replace Trash with New Shit Day.

So, let’s see… what can we get?

Replace that brown pillow with two brand new ones where you can lay your head in peace, knowing a wack nigga (this applies to men and women of all colors, hues, and nationalities) won’t be waking you up with farts, snores, cold ass feet, or regrets. Replace that journal with a gratitude jar, and just commit to one word a week at minimum… I’ll start you off… write “LIFE”! Get a cashmere sweater… you can thank me later. Get a new dude or chick, trust they are out there… when YOU are ready not just cuz folks say you are getting old or whatever dumb shit people say. Tell leeches to kick rocks. Make a new friend; that cool ass person who always says the best stuff in your social media posts… go get Starbucks with her (or him). Donate to a worthy CAUSE not a broke nigga. Book the trip, buy the shoes, and eat the muthafucking cake.

And you should eat cake, not have it… you wanna have something, buy some diamonds… they last longer.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” -Confucius

They don’t really care about us…

At the big age of 45… enough is enough.

I have been in relationship with men since high school, with small windows of complete singlehood in between, that has taken me through a marriage, long term commitments with people from my past I should have left in my past, and two or three “dating” scenarios that had the excitement of period panties. I realized, after my last go round, that there are a lot of men who don’t like women… they want to sleep with us, they like the way we look or smell, they like our meals and coming home to a clean place to lie down, but they don’t really LIKE women. Let me be more clear, a number of heterosexual Black men do not like Black women.

I said what I said! If you genuinely like women, I’m not talking about you, so relax.

Talking to my boonapolis (Greek for bestie) about men and relationships, specifically the lessons I learned that she didn’t need to learn through experience, she mentioned this live video, singer (he is fabulous, btw), Durand Bernarr posted about this very subject. I watched the video. While he didn’t say this expressly, what I took from it was that Black heterosexual men have cut off their ability to tap into the feminine, and until they get that shit together, sistas need to figure out something else. We all possess masculine and feminine energy. In order to have complete access to our emotional selves, we must embrace both. Feminine energy, not to be confused with womanhood, focuses on being collaborative, nurturing, intuitive, and compassionate. Likewise, masculine energy is logical, focused, goal-driven, and structured.

We talked about her parents; her father adores her mother. They give each other what they need and like… He gets a plate with three sides and she gets a new refrigerator at mere mention. If she liked diamonds, shoes, and handbags… she’d have those. He cares about what she likes, listens to her. Smiles the biggest when surrounded by his family, which is full of women. We talked about my grandparents, my grandfather took care of a house of women. He made us things with his hands. He took care of everything. He stood up for his wife, even when she was wrong…leaving whatever grievances between the two of them. He loved having all of us around. He basked in our presence. What was also true about her father, my grandfather, and men of their times, was even though they were successful and financially sound, their focus was on finding a good woman and creating a family. These men provided not just to get a woman, but to care for a woman. These men protected not just physically but emotionally. They wanted to be in relationship with a woman.

So what happened… well here’s my take. While men generations before them sought to be like their fathers and great family men before them, it seems that many men in our generation aspire instead to the wealth and status of White men. They seem to crave admission into the halls of White, male, capitalist patriarchy and all that it brings and includes… access, wealth, opportunity in the positive side and misogyny, selfishness, and greed on the negative. This leaves women as objects of desire to be possessed, not partners to be in true relationship with. They marry and commit to women for the spoils of being married to a Black woman. In return, they appear to only provide and protect to keep her around, not out of genuine care and concern. Therefore negating our very communal ancestry, and effectively resulting in Black men, just like White men, relegating women to sexual conquests who cook and clean. What is there to like, care about, value in someone you see as your personal whore and maid.

Welp… I for one have had enough. I think about the relationships I have been in… and because I am in tune with my feminine and masculine…many of them wanted to mute the masculine in me. At least it is what the conceive as masculine. They saw me standing up for myself, speaking out loud my wants and needs, and being independent (when they wanted me dependent)… as negative. They saw my assertiveness and determination about anything other than them as a threat. They saw my determined, assertive, and down ass friends as a threat. So many men believe women should forgo happiness for responsibility to them. That women who choose themselves are selfish. That women should sacrifice all we are for their needs and wants. Those niggas don’t like women. They WANT women to possess, but they don’t like us. In retrospect, a few if my exes didn’t really like me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But guess who does like me… ME!

…cuz “I’m a bad bitch, and I’m that nigga!”

So that’s who I am focused on. That’s who I’m growing for, trying to get better for, loving on. I have zero time to talk to and sit across from some man who could care less about what I’m saying, thinking, feeling, or what I want and need. I don’t have time for folks who only function in dysfunction. I don’t need someone jealous of me or trying to compete with me like I’m some boy he’s squaring up with. I am not interested in weak minded individuals who want me to believe they are men yet they cannot control their own lives. I won’t put up with a “let’s go dutch” nigga who has asked me to make time, space, and room for him in my day, when his only purpose is to figure out how amenable I am to his whims. Nor am I interested in someone who lacks empathy and compassion and believes men should only be aggressive and aloof.

I am out of the dating game. I won’t throw dice, wait my turn, spin the wheel, or pick a card to give someone who doesn’t like me, access to me. I’ll be over here taking care of me until a man steps up purposely with the intent to engage with a woman because he enjoys women, listen to a woman, learn from a woman, and value her because of who she be, not what’s in her pants or wallet. That man will be prepared to properly answer the question, “What do you like about women?”

“All I gotta say is that they don’t really care about us!” -MJ

They don’t really care about us…

At the big age of 45… enough is enough.

I have been in relationship with men since high school, with small windows of complete singlehood in between, that has taken me through a marriage, long term commitments with people from my past I should have left in my past, and two or three “dating” scenarios that had the excitement of period panties. I realized, after my last go round, that there are a lot of men who don’t like women… they want to sleep with us, they like the way we look or smell, they like our meals and coming home to a clean place to lie down, but they don’t really LIKE women. Let me be more clear, a number of heterosexual Black men do not like Black women.

I said what I said! If you genuinely like women, I’m not talking about you, so relax.

Talking to my boonapolis (Greek for bestie) about men and relationships, specifically the lessons I learned that she didn’t need to learn through experience, she mentioned this live video, singer (he is fabulous, btw), Durand Bernarr posted about this very subject. I watched the video. While he didn’t say this expressly, what I took from it was that Black heterosexual men have cut off their ability to tap into the feminine, and until they get that shit together, sistas need to figure out something else. We all possess masculine and feminine energy. In order to have complete access to our emotional selves, we must embrace both. Feminine energy, not to be confused with womanhood, focuses on being collaborative, nurturing, intuitive, and compassionate. Likewise, masculine energy is logical, focused, goal-driven, and structured.

We talked about her parents; her father adores her mother. They give each other what they need and like… He gets a plate with three sides and she gets a new refrigerator at mere mention. If she liked diamonds, shoes, and handbags… she’d have those. He cares about what she likes, listens to her. Smiles the biggest when surrounded by his family, which is full of women. We talked about my grandparents, my grandfather took care of a house of women. He made us things with his hands. He took care of everything. He stood up for his wife, even when she was wrong…leaving whatever grievances between the two of them. He loved having all of us around. He basked in our presence. What was also true about her father, my grandfather, and men of their times, was even though they were successful and financially sound, their focus was on finding a good woman and creating a family. These men provided not just to get a woman, but to care for a woman. These men protected not just physically but emotionally. They wanted to be in relationship with a woman.

So what happened… well here’s my take. While men generations before them sought to be like their fathers and great family men before them, it seems that many men in our generation aspire instead to the wealth and status of White men. They seem to crave admission into the halls of White, male, capitalist patriarchy and all that it brings and includes… access, wealth, opportunity in the positive side and misogyny, selfishness, and greed on the negative. This includes the great White way of pathology against those unlike them. So some Black men have taken on the tradition of deeming Black women as pathological… over-sexualized, too independent, and difficult objects of desire to be possessed, not partners to be in true relationship with. They marry and commit to women for the spoils of marriage. In return, they appear to only provide and protect to keep her around, to mother their children and themselves, not out of genuine care and concern. Therefore negating our very communal ancestry, and effectively resulting in Black men, just like White men, relegating women to sexual conquests who cook and clean. What is there to like, care about, value in someone you see as your personal whore and maid.

Welp… I for one have had enough. I think about the relationships I have been in… and because I am in tune with my feminine and masculine… it is now clear to me, many of them wanted to mute the masculine in me. At least it is what the conceive as masculine. They saw me standing up for myself (when they wanted me meek), speaking out loud my wants and needs (when they wanted me silent), and being independent (when they wanted me dependent)… as negative. They saw my assertiveness and determination about anything other than them as a threat. They saw my determined, assertive, and down ass friends as a threat. Many men believe women should forgo happiness for responsibility to them. That women who choose themselves are selfish. That women should sacrifice all we are for their needs and wants. Those niggas don’t like women. They WANT women to possess, but they don’t like us. In retrospect, a few of my exes didn’t really like me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But guess who does like me… ME!

…cuz “I’m a bad bitch, and I’m that nigga!”

So that’s who I am focused on. That’s who I’m growing for, trying to get better for, loving on. I have zero time to talk to and sit across from some man who could care less about what I’m saying, thinking, feeling, or what I want and need. I don’t have time for folks who only function in dysfunction. I don’t need someone jealous of me or trying to compete with me like I’m some boy he’s squaring up with. I am not interested in weak minded individuals who want me to believe they are men yet they cannot control their own lives. I won’t put up with a “let’s go dutch” nigga who has asked me to make time, space, and room for him in my day, when his only purpose is to figure out how amenable I am to his whims. Nor am I interested in someone who lacks empathy and compassion and believes men should only be aggressive and aloof.

I refuse to play the dating game. I won’t throw dice, wait my turn, spin the wheel, or pick a card to give someone who doesn’t like me, access to me. I’ll be over here taking care of me until a man steps up purposely with the intent to engage with a woman because he enjoys women, listen to a woman, learn from a woman, and value her because of who she be, not what’s in her pants or wallet. That man will be prepared to properly answer the question, “What do you like about women?”

“All I gotta say is that they don’t really care about us!” -MJ

New Slaves

“I’m me too’ing the Jewish culture. I’m saying you all have to stand up and admit to what you have been doing. You just got away with it for so long that you weren’t even realising what you were doing.”-Ye, Drink Champs Interview, 2022

“Artists getting robbed for their publishing/By dirty Jewish execs who think that it’s alms from the covenant.” -Lupe Fiasco, N.E.R.D.

You wanna know what’s more important than throwin’ away money at a strip club? Credit. You ever wonder why Jewish people own all the property in America? This how they did it.” -Jay-Z, Story of OJ

“Get rid of that Devil real simple / Put a bullet in his temple / ’Cause you can’t be the N*gga 4 Life crew / With a white Jew telling you what to do”-Ice Cube, No Vaseline


“I feel like the people that’s in control of what Hip Hop does is so f—— white and so f—— Jewish until they don’t give a f— about what the culture and craft really is about,” -Scarface, Hard Knock TV, 2013

*******

Negative sentiments are shared by many Black male rappers who have been taken advantage of in unfair contracts between themselves and Jewish record label executives. This isn’t unique to hip hop, so called “race music” of the 1920s and 1930s, music marketed specifically to African Americans, was often produced and owned by Jewish music professionals who pocketed the majority of the money and left artists poor and unable to care for themselves or family once they left the business. As artists are able to get on streaming platforms without major labels, that is rapidly changing, but for many Black musicians in their 30s or older, being sheisted by record executives was common. It was also common that these individuals, particularly New Yorkers, lived in slums, were taken advantage by pawn shops, and had to pay exorbitant rent at storefronts in their communities that were owned by Jewish people. It’s not surprising that their take on Jewish people is relatively unpopular and their comments among those considered anti-Semite according to the American Jewish Council (AJC) and Anti-Defamation League (ADL).

Of course this doesn’t include all Jewish people. We should all refrain from extremist statements that attribute negativity displayed by a some members of a group to everyone in that group. However, stereotypes, or oversimplified and fixed generalizations about a group of people may be rooted in the truth about a majority or large sample of that group. There are great differences between stereotypes and how they are treated, when we consider Jewish people and Black people. Antisemitism is sort of codified by the AJC and ADL, while racism has no standard set of ingredients. Stereotypes that Black people are less intelligent, listen to rap, are poor, and loud are all very damaging and untrue statements with no rooting in truth… but no one is going to be labeled anything, most likely, if they say or strongly hint at these ideas. Is it racism to assume a Black person is poor like it is antisemitism to assume a Jewish person is wealthy?!?!? The plight of Black people in America is an atrocious history. The history of Jewish people in America, through the eyes of many Black people, looks like one where they took advantage of their perceived Whiteness and then of us.

Let’s be clear… Jewish people have played a huge part in the entertainment industry, particularly music. It is no secret that a great deal of their success in that venture was built on the backs of Black artists. The Jewish record company owners paid jazz and blues artists in liquor, not money. The Chess Brothers acts mostly died destitute and owning nothing. Jerry Heller left N.W.A. members poor. Lyor Cohen negotiates faulty deals with young musicians cheating them out of millions. So the stories go. Just because these stories repeatedly held negative notions about Jewish people, used by Nazis to execute them during the Holocaust, that doesn’t negate the lived experiences of these artists. At some point accountability needs to be taken… that some Jewish people profited from victimizing Black people based in part on their juxtaposition to Whiteness and their proximity to Black people. Their ethic or religious differences far harder and frankly less likely to elicit the same negative consequences as dark skin.

Racism is the systematic discrimination of a group of people based on their race and their perceived inferiority to another race, their expression of that racism. So even if a person who has suffered or carries the ancestral suffering of racism relates that experience with the codified anti-Semite rules… their lived experience needs to be heard and considered as such before it is dismissed as antisemitism. Especially if the experience is rooted in the truth of history against not all, but some Jewish people. Then that truth needs to be acknowledged.

As far as Ye is concerned, he goes Bobby Boucher, the boy is wild. He’s a propaganda pusher, and while there are more positive and frankly better ways to express the idea that Blackness is exploited in entertainment, he has the right to chose how he verbally expresses himself. He could have just said : Black people don’t often own their own stake in most entertainment ventures. The only lives that continue to matter in America are those of White people. Racism won’t cause change, outrage, or uproar, the way antisemitism will in most industries in America. The surefire way to get blackballed and blacklisted is to utter negative Jewish tropes… because those are codified, yet Black people are asked to be resilient in the face of centuries long racism. He did not. He went full apeshit. But there is no denying that last week he wanted to own his interests outright… and now he does. Call it genius or despicable, but don’t call him Kanye.

They throwin’ hate at me
Want me to stay at ease
Fuck you and your corporation
Y’all niggas can’t control me
I know that we the new slaves
I know that we the new slaves
I’m ’bout to wild the fuck out
I’m goin’ Bobby Boucher”-Kanye West, New Slaves

Reparations

If you are Black in America and have lived in any predominately White spaces… school, work, community… you suffer from racial trauma. What is racial trauma? Racism based stress responses “refers to the mental and emotional injury caused by encounters with racial bias and ethnic discrimination, racism, and hate crimes. Any individual that has experienced an emotionally painful, sudden, and uncontrollable racist encounter is at risk of suffering from a race-based traumatic stress injury. In the U.S., Black, Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC) are most vulnerable due to living under a system of white supremacy.” (Mental Health America) It manifests in PTSD, physical reactions and mental shut-down. Racial trauma can be transmitted through ancestral generation, vicarious as a result of just witnessing racism, and direct acts of race based violence, discrimination, exclusion, punishment, negativity towards you. It’s pervasive and haunting. It is the direct effect of white supremacy and chattel slavery that has existed in this country since 1690. Give us us free!

Racial trauma is often minimized as discrimination, some natural unfortunate byproduct of race based distinction. It is posed as a simple legal phenomenon that if excessive you can bring lawsuit against certain people or entities for. Yet it’s impact on our physical and mental well-being is often overlooked. In fact, our mental well-being seen as something we control and are in control to heal via therapy, but racists aren’t seen as responsible for educating themselves on the realities of race-based distinction and the real reason for our skin color differences. It’s the quintessential victim blaming. We are asked to build resilience but the powers that be are never asked to stop the behaviors, policies, procedures that make that resilience necessary… ones built upon racist thought.

If you are Black living in America (or Latino, Native American, etc) and particularly if you are indigenous, you likely suffer from transmitted (generational), vicarious (witnessed), and direct (experienced) racial trauma. You carry the oppressed yet beautiful spirit of ancestral slaves; you are a child of generations of people who faced financial, social, housing, educational, medical, and professional inequality and discrimination; and you are the result of people who have been displaced, used, killed, maimed, hung, and disproportionately subjected to the lowest living conditions in the name of power and supremacy. You have watched videos of Sandra Bland, Eric Garner, George Floyd, and Philando Castile murdered by state actors, seen Trayvon Martin and Mike Brown’s bodies lying in the street, and heard of the murders of Botham Jean, Breonna Taylor…the list goes on and on. And you have likely been looked over, passed up, paid less, assumed you were not educated or stable, mistreated, or told what you’d never be or what the highest level you could aspire to was by some teacher ill-equipped for the culture.

We must start to look at methods to stop availing ourselves to white supremacy. Those of us in the thick of it have to promote attending Black colleges; training in a variety of skills and not just one; gaining skills in corporate America to then use in entrepreneurship and consulting; social leadership when we are pushed out of professional leadership roles; and taking on training and training development to be the subject matter expert on corporate knowledge to make ourselves more professionally valuable. We all need to educate ourselves on investing; home ownership; Black indigenous history; capitalism; life insurance; entrepreneurship; advocating for ourselves medically; marriage and long term commitments; saving and spending money; and being physically & mentally well.

The truth of the matter is that while we can help make the change through voting, we can start to feel more successful in and therefore more invested in America through life and financial success that we define. More importantly, we can embrace our natural communal nature to help one another, instead of abiding by the individualism we see. We are truly stronger together. So much of our existence has been this fine line between maintaining ancestral ties, to participating and integrating in America, and to living in and being proud of Black culture. We must live as authentically Black as possible moving forward. Our competition doesn’t consist of working twice as hard to accomplish what White people do. Instead, perhaps, we can do our best and live inside, outside, and all around Black culture. Time to get Plymouth Rock up off of us!

Stress is not just an emotional responses, it results in physical deficiencies, ailments, and can kill you. PTSD, anxiety, depression and mother mood disorders and some affective disorders perpetrated by stress. Eating high glycemic “comfort foods” regulates lower stress hormones, as do alcohol, nicotine, and stimulant drugs. Racism can increase adverse birth outcomes and maternal stress. Housing discrimination and white flight can lead to living in environmentally polluted areas. Increase in hormonal load can result in high blood pressure and diabetes. All of these responses are unhealthy and will lead physical health decline. Racial trauma can literally kill you. So we need to work hard to divert that trauma, and lessen these results, both behavioral and natural, to stress. Just say Nope to racism, stress, and trauma!

We need those 40 acres (the mule was actually just going to be loaned to each family) for pain and suffering.

She by She

Black Women are the kryptonite of the establishment.

We aren’t the socially superior. They only want the colorful, creative, Nicki Minaj voice over tik toks, cornrows, and asses minus oppression. Their oppression. We aren’t the femininely fair. Not willowy milky white or sweet, untouchable, and shiny. Our sun swathed skin and strong bodies the manifestation of our ancestors. Our bodies the result of having to fight instead of being loved, to toil instead of being bathed in coconut milk and manuka honey, and to assert in order to win, as it’s not our birthright in America. That was stolen from us. Both our bodies and our wins deemed unfair and unearned.

They will place rules on your
body, say it’s a distraction from
their game,
as if they know better than you
how your bones should wear your own body

Jessica Mans, Serena

Descendants of Maat, Lady Justice. But they don’t know justice. She is disguised by a blindfold and drapes of fabric hiding the body as if it’s femininity cannot coexist with its power and it’s genderless to negate the male gaze. Adorned in purity and holding balance in her hands, she is a source of false imagery not represented in reality. Yet, we live in this feigned utopia, where Black billionaires are bred… but even billionaires are Black. Still nigga. Justice, the epitome of who we are, doesn’t live here.

Your daughter’s face is a small riot, her hands are & civil war, a refugee camp behind each ear,
a body littered with ugly things but God, doesn’t she wear
the world well.

Waran Shire, Ugly

Gods and Goddesses. Queen and Kings. Mermaids and Mermen. The ancestors are of the spirit, swathed in royalty, and some even live under the sea. We are fluid. From our native land to the belly of the boat. Middle Passage. From our living room to our roof. Katrina. From the foamy river to our drinking glasses. The Flint River. The ghost of Queen Makeda walks through the 8th Ward. Oshun withholds and calls back the waters in plagued bodies. Yemaya, mermaid goddess, protects & swims the seven seas. The granddaughter of Poseidon welcomes any who prefer the ocean floor to the plantation.

When they tell the Black girl
She can’t play play mermaid ask them, what their people know
about holding their breath
underwater. About giving their bodies
to the current

Jasmine Mans, The Little Mermaid

We are unicorns. Our horns antennas to the heavens so we can dial into James, Maya, Frederick, and Sojourner. Our bodies stallionesque. Thick like Luke dancers. Legs strong enough to walk the Serengeti. Angel wings and rainbows, myths and legends. But like our music, our art, our minds, even our mythology is covered in the darkness of hatred. Superior yet inferior. Greater but lesser. Not fly despite their wingspan. Not colorful despite Mr. Crayola. Not a unicorn, just Mr. Ed. But we are not defined by their definitions. We determine who we are… our ancestors passed our identity down to us: braids, curls, bodies, color, soul, spirits, and magic.

The black unicorn is restless
the black unicorn is unrelenting
the black unicorn is not
free.

Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn

We hold the key to our freedom!

Real Bad

Many women have wasted their youth on Diddy, while he ran the streets with his thugs. His hit list is long: Kim Porter, Cassie, Gina Huynh, Jennifer Lopez, Misa Hylton, Lori Harvey, Miracle Watts, and now Caresha, “Yung Miami” of the group The City Girls. He has children with the late Kim Porter, who he didn’t seem to appreciate until after her passing. They had three kids, Christian and twins , D’Lila and Jessie who are the same age as his daughter Chance, by another woman. He later dated Jennifer Lopez for several years; Cassie Ventura, a singer, for over a decade; and Gina Huynh since 2018. He’s simultaneously been dating Caresha since late 2021. Most of these women have been much younger than him, waiting to be chosen. But he remains unmarried. He is perpetually single. Real single.

Listen, everybody ain’t mean to marry. And based on his track record and the fact that he’s 52 years old dating a 28 year old, he likely is one of those men. And really this isn’t about him… it’s about young women not wasting their youth on men who have ZERO desire to marry them and they know the women desire marriage. I mean this woman declared publicly that they were a couple… to his surprise… she clearly is tryna get chose. Sadly he likely won’t keep it a buck and tell her that’s not his desire. If he knows -and you must make sure to tell him, that your purpose in dating is marriage and family- and he isn’t headed there or talking to you about it, it’s time to run. Real fast.

Men interested in commitment will pretty quickly during the dating phase ask you questions and set up experiences you can enjoy together that gear towards that end… to see if you align. They will want at some point to be exclusive, and make plans with you, talk to you like you’ll be a future fixture… if of course you are a woman who has readied herself to be a wife. And while commitment and marriage is nothing to be rushed, men that are interested in that will lead you with intention closer and closer to that until together you decide to take it no further or to meet him at the alter in your white dress. Real shit.

Now how that will look… won’t be textbook. All relationships are different. But be sure it’s a relationship and not a situationship, usership, sexership, or bullshitship. He will show you he is serious because his words and behavior will match. He’ll be consistent and excited to see you, and he’ll make time for you. He’ll also respect that you are choosing to spend your pre-midlife stress-free energy, flat stomach season, and yet to be ruined credit score on him. I mean let’s be honest, you will be fine as frog hair with Meg knees, and he that is worthy will not take of those years then leave you off his life insurance after a 20 year relationship. He’ll appreciate the value of your youth. Men with their shit together, if you are a likeminded woman and share a personality he can appreciate, are gonna scoop you like real Superman ice cream during a Detroit summer. Real hero-like.

Caresha, you are a young tenda and he’s a beyond middle age guy still trying to diddy bop his way into young ladies panties. Make him work to even look at you. The least he can do is treat you like the prize that you are. Ladies, demand what you deserve. He should always make you feel appreciated, desirable, and chosen… especially if he’s an old man you are blessing with the beauty and value of youth. And if he doesn’t, you make sure you do. After ten years of dating Diddy, Cassie was married with a child on the way in less than one year. Don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t choosing you! You need a new boo. Real bad.

Periodt!

But if he is really gifting you $250,000 a month, carry on. 🤷🏽‍♀️

He-Man Woman Haters Club

I was rewatching A Handmaid’s Tale and after Serena is beat, with a leather belt, by her husband, Commander Waterford, their handmaid Offred says… “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” It’s actually a quote by the author of the book the series is based on, Margaret Atwood. I heard it and I had to go back to listen again, it struck me.

Men are socialized to be void of emotion and aggressive, it’s an age old fact. It is the topic of many a book, article, dissertation, and op ed. Likewise, women are socialized not to make men angry. From a young age girls are oogled, touched, commented upon by men in inappropriate ways and with undertones of violence. As young women we are taught to fear strange men, never be alone in certain places, at certain times, and certainly with men we don’t know very well. We are socialized to expect strange men to be verbally aggressive, and sexually interested in us. It seems like men aren’t taught to be the antithesis of this, but we are made responsible for our own victimization. Even as young girls. When your aunt asks you “Why were you smiling and being friendly with Mr. James?” after he touches you in your private body parts, we live much the rest of our lives trying to avoid grown men’s inability to control themselves.

And as times have changed and women have become more independent, fought for equity, exposed the victimization they have suffered at the hands of men, and taken control of their voice… that fear hasn’t disappeared but doesn’t necessarily stop us from expressing ourselves, our wants, needs, disappointments, expectations, feelings, and boundaries. But again the fear doesn’t dissipate. I’d like to think of it as living deeper down in our consciousness, as opposed to at the front of our minds.

It’s not as “simple” as a fear of being killed. It really manifests in more ways than just physical. In light of the aggressive tendencies boy children are inundated with, that results in some men being uninterested and unable to treat women well across the board. When you add to that boys lacking fathers, father figures, and positive male representations and being raised by bitter, angry, mistreated, misinformed, women who might cope with those feels with alcohol, drugs, sex in front of their boys… feelings of being valueless and devaluing women just heighten bad behavior. Women those men encounter often have to endure betrayal, control, emotional void, being hit, beat, raped, and maybe even killed. We see examples of it constantly. We all know a woman who has endured abuse. Most of us know a woman who has been raped.

Just yesterday, comedian Aries Spears, a sorry excuse for a man, who described himself as handsome (insert laugh track), went on a tirade about Lizzo, unprovoked. He went in about her health and body when he is diabetic and has bags under his eyes big enough to pack your luggage for a two week European tour and the antithesis of in shape. It was a very sad display of woman hatred. Kevin Samuels level fuckery. And this fool keeps talking. Who hurt you my guy?!?

And he’s just one of many displaying these types of aggressive and hate filled behaviors toward a woman. In 2019, 406K women were raped or sexually assaulted. In 2020, 7,320 women were killed by intimate partners or male family members, and over 50% of those women were 12-34 and 75% of those women are Native American. 4.8 million physical assaults happen to women by intimate partners per year. Those numbers should upset you. They are staggering.

The number of women who suffer coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online abuse is often not reported but is typically the predicate of sexual and physical abuse. Aries is an abuser… and he hates women. Frankly, he should be scared women will laugh at him and not because if his bad jokes… but because he’s a certified clown. Aren’t you supposed to laugh at clowns… or are they to be feared?

If you hate women…stay far away from us!

Note: There are never two sides of the story when you prey on women. Just one fucked up side.

Social Madness

Picture it, Detroit, MI, 2010, I entered the world of social media as we know it today. Yeah I had a MySpace but I rarely used it and really saw no value in it. But Facebook…

Facebook was like this new frontier. I could see pictures and read posts about people’s lives, kids, trips, weddings, birthday parties, bad wigs, weight loss and gain, drunken moments and bad decisions… people I hadn’t seen since elementary and high school. It was fascinating, and daily new people popped up. Some whose hairlines were so, uhhh, absent, it took me a minute to figure out who they were. Others whose glow up was phenomenal. It was the best of times…

Then I got into Instagram, Twitter, and now Tik Tok is like my favorite past-time… mini 90 second movies about everything from dance challenges, to folks cleaning their houses, to stuff that’s one set from only fans but for free. I use social media to keep up with folks, post my thoughts, share inspiration, and promote my business. It’s become part entertainment, networking tool, marketing tool, den of foolishness… a smorgasbord of uses… great and no so great.

One of it’s biggest downsides, second only to promoting unrealistic, unhealthy, and just completely false narratives about the ways people look, live, and behave… is this idea that if it isn’t on social media, it didn’t happen. The manifestation of that voyeuristic approach to people’s personal lives goes beyond social media into real life in ways that puncture relationships. Like stab the shit out of them. Murder, death, kill.

“You never post me” , “You didn’t like my status”, “You didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook”, “You didn’t comment on my post”… WHAT!?!?!? I mean I have either heard or heard stories about these very conversations, even when acknowledgement, when necessary, is made person to person. There is a heavy belief among folks in a certain demographic… mostly people who grew up with social media… that it simply didn’t happen if you didn’t broadcast it. It’s the nightly news for foolishness. “Reverse cowgirl on that ass and knocked him out” (with a picture of him asleep), “We twerked on handstand for my girls birthday in the middle of Peachtree Street… city girls for life.”

That energy leads to people having this wild notion about what you should and should not share, either because they overshare, are nosy, or both. Why you never post your bf/gf!? Why you keeping secrets? Why you didn’t post your new house? This idea that somehow people should be privy to whatever sector of your life they deem interesting, juicy, entertaining is mad wild. No one is obligated to share personal shit with you unless, until, and in the forum they deem appropriate. Just because half the world posts themselves doing everything from brushing their teeth, changing their clothes, writing a letter, making a snack, and making their bed… does not mean anyone else must follow that blueprint. Social media got ya’ll so busy taking selfies all day you have forgotten that real human connection leads to vulnerability and openness… not keystrokes.

We live in a time where people would rather text that hear someone voice, inflections, tone; The necessities of effective and meaningful communication. The “don’t call me” faction is mad heavy. So people believe they have real friendships in interactions that are limited, virtual, and void of body language and human to human emotion. Some things cannot be translated via strictly wireless interaction. Someone on your “friends list” doesn’t make them your “friend”… that’s a strong word. An associate, acquaintance, Facebook or Instagram cohort sure… a friend… not necessarily. So those folks surely are not going to give you access to every intimate part of their lives. Stop expecting and asking for it. It’s mad weird. Read the room.

In a not so odd twist, the intensity and level of sharing people do to strangers gives an unrealistic idea to people you might actually have real relationships with about what they are privy to or the amount of equity in your friendship. We all have the right, whether virtually or in person to share what we wish. Sure, friends are open with one another, but everyone has boundaries. We’ve come to believe that our stock in other people is limitless and we have some say in their bounds… we don’t. It is imperative we allow folks to decide what they communicate and to whom… and as long as their communication with us is honest, responsible, kind, and with some semblance of regularity (whatever is regular for those people), then that should be sufficient. Demanding shit from grown people that they don’t owe you is madness. Social media is not a replacement for human connection, and it certainly isn’t the place to tell all your business. Cuz why don’t you post your credit card number and expiration date… I mean if we posting all of our business.

Thank you for attending my TED Talk.

ain’t nobodys business

We all know someone who tells everything, about themselves and sometimes everyone else. It is hard for that person to maintain relationships because they give the impression that nothing is off limits … and often that is how they act. For most of us, who appreciate degrees of privacy, that type of person usually wants to receive that same type of overshare from others… and it’s not gonna happen. Everything is not for public consumption.

On a few separate occasions in the past few weeks, I have encountered people who believe that transparency is a healthy and necessary part of vulnerability and social engagement. I don’t know that it is transparency as much as authenticity that’s key. My open and honest dialogue, where I reveal parts of myself, should be based on my comfort, not the comfort of those around me. That is authentic. Sharing because other folks want to know, doesn’t feel either open or honest to me… it feels forced and uncomfortable. Being authentic is synonymous with personal comfort… because it stems from you being who you are without pretense. I’m authentic with people I have real relationships with. Everyone else is not entitled to my personal business, and I’m authentically private. Period.

Privacy is not negative. It is a protective tool for ensuring that others are not immersed in every part of your life, that you still have private moments whether with yourself, your kids, your spouse, family and friends. In those moments you don’t want a microphone attached to your blouse or everyone recording videos, you simply want to spend time with folks. Folks always trying to post and tell everyone what they were into can be very overwhelming and a source of sensory overload. The same way 12,000 selfies gets old after selfie #5. The need for attention is overwhelming for some. Some is me. I stop looking and listening after awhile. Mystery is sexy. Leaving a little something to the imagination is fun. Dumping your whole personality on the table is like a game of concentration… the buzzer goes off and you are both nervous but anticipatory of all the pieces shooting up in the air. Whew… that’s over. Enough already.

Social media has resulted in people talking about, taking pictures of, and sharing the location of what they are doing, thinking, eating, buying, want, need, and believe every second of the day. I know what they ate, wore, how they did their hair, and who they did it all with every day of the week. It’s a very interesting life of voyeurism. Similarly, others like to tell you everything about themselves. Whether they just love attention or are being open and honest about everything, so it leaves nothing for people to criticize (they’ll always find something), I think it’s typically rooted in some insecurity. Additionally, transparency doesn’t necessarily have honesty at its core. Authenticity does.

Share what is comfortable for you. You aren’t required to be psychologically nude at someone else’s request. Just be who you are, and that is enough. Other folks can go on telling all the ins and outs of their lives if they want, but their level of transparency does not dictate yours. Transparency, like misery, clearly likes company. Who all gon be there!!?!?