The Undoing…

What drives people to be unfaithful, to be so disloyal to someone they claim to love that they will share themselves with someone outside of their relationship, commitment, marriage.
Selfishness?
Lack of self-control?
Fear?

I would like to venture that it’s not the act in and of itself that is the most painful to that person’s mate. It is the deception, the lie, the failure to be honest about where one was, what they were doing, the distortion of the who , what, when, where, and why. And that deception is not the actual act, but the source of the most difficult result of the act. And what drives that…
Ego.


The sheer audacity to assume that your truth will remain hidden, when we ALL know that the truth always comes out… in some form or another… always. That’s the work of the most irrational, asinine, and self-protecting part of the psyche.
It is not the fault of being ignored or feeling lonely. It is the fault of audacity.

The complete destruction of trust and safety. The realization that this person you share a life with, space with, who in your most vulnerable state you sleep next to, would sacrifice your shared trust and your personal safety in the name of protecting themselves, over your unit. The audacity, the deception, the egotism… that is the undoing.

Be responsible. Honor your commitments. Be strong enough to communicate through whatever fear, lack, challenge, temptation might be at play. Don’t sacrifice your 80 for a dalliance with 20, and there will be nothing to undo.

Don’t be this guy…

This is Kevin Samuels in 2009.

This is Kevin Samuels today… a self-labeled relationship expert and luxury lifestyle guru… and a whole ass clown. A whole one. Red nose and all.

There is nothing cute about him… yesterday or today. Let’s keep this in mind.

I’m sure we have all heard this rant to the woman who called into his podcast saying she wanted a man making six figures because she was a successful woman. He went on to roast her about being old, average looking, with a 13 year old, saying no high earning man… which coincidently makes him above average… wants an average woman and unless she was willing to date an average man, she would “die alone!” I listened and I wanted to fight him in his face for her.

Look… Kevin Samuels has no authority to talk about a woman’s looks or what above average men like… scroll up, look at that picture again. If he can be “honest” with old girl, we can be honest with him. But first let me just say this. Six figures is not billionaire status, be clear. Most of the men and women I know make six figures, and most of the men I know are not fruity pie ass dudes like he is either. These men love the gamut of women… because they are different men with different preferences. Some of them like curvy women, others like athletic women, some like em short others tall, some like em a bit younger or a bit older… there is no standard woman in terms of attractiveness or desire.

Furthermore, a woman is entitled to whatever standards she sets for herself, and reserves the right to bend and change those as she moves through the world… but on her own terms. Those preferences we hold closest on to, other than basic character traits, which don’t define someone as an emotional, mental, or spiritual being, but instead define them by their aesthetic or physical shell most likely lead us to miss out on good men or women. But we still have a right to our preference and standards. Men and women. There are very few things a man wants more than a woman, and his money and clothes and home and car are all objects of security meant to attract women. So yes, women, across the board, are attracted to stability and security. That shouldn’t change because of where some clown believes she falls on the looks rating scale. But then too, men who are married tend to be more successful and more wealthy. A man who findeth a woman findeth a good thing says the Lord.

I saw many posts saying there was truth to what he said… mainly by men. Be better than him, please. Don’t co-sign this wack ass insecure, closet homosexual (yes I said it and I’ll shortly tell you why), stupid shit. First of all, rating women on some scale is played out… unless you want to be rated on the length of your penis, the girth of your wallet, and the size of your credit score. Those things define a good man just as much as a woman’s looks alone define a good woman. Sure… we should all be attracted to our mate. But what that looks like is different for all of us and not based on some ratings scale from eighth grade. A man who comes into a woman’s life should be ready to provide and protect. A woman should come ready to provide peace and refuge. That doesn’t mean he needs to be a billionaire, but he should be stable. That doesn’t mean she needs to be a supermodel, but she should be her best. Stellar looks are icing on the cake… but the cake can stand alone.

Insecurity is a mofo. It will lead you to break down other people to their lowest common denominator just to make yourself look good… but it’s not long lasting. It doesn’t matter how far you’ll go to dead someone else’s shine to shine brighter, your shit will stay dim. You see only those of us that are good to each other ever truly become stars. This guy is posed up on Instagram and posting YouTube videos like he’s some sort of guru, and no one ever heard of this clown until World Star Hip Hop posted his rant. The same sight that posts NSFW photos of reality stars is what catapulted this fool to internet stardom… and we’ll forget about him in a few weeks. But that woman he spoke disrespectfully to will remember being put down and having it broadcast across the net, forever.

But my bet is that Kevin Samuels, despite claiming to have to fight young women off with a stick, doesn’t get a stiff stick from women. His shtick is too familiar. There is a whole subculture in Atlanta where gay men marry and date young, attractive, childless, and connected women so they can rise up the corporate ladder and join Black networks under the guise of being a straight man . The women, in turn, have a child by him and set themselves up to be well taken care of even after divorce. The men are free to come out after this tirade, with their man bags, shiny lips, waist erasers…to make that booty poke out, and whole body waxes. And all of those things are fine if that how you roll. But that doesn’t mean that once you’ve made it, you get to roast sistas because you think you are a Queen.

A perusal of his YouTube videos shows he thinks late blooming men, which he must see himself as… see 2009 photo… are the best because they reach their full potential financially and physically in their late 30s and 40s and can finally attract the type of women they want. But be clear, those men were likely taken care of and coddled by women prior to their come up… and now are too good to consider those women as mates. I call bullshit. A Hermès belt and a rented Bentley on the weekends does not make you the cream of the crop. The hobosexual turned metrosexual is not the move.

Listen… Kevin Samuels and his particular brand of women hatred, telling women they aren’t young enough, attractive enough, or small enough to get a man who makes six figures or more is a certified crime. Especially coming from a man who is espousing this toxic garbage as a means to make himself look and feel better. You can’t be a whole two trying to tell a whole five she isn’t cute enough. Furthermore you can’t mask the fact that the only thing in your closet isn’t Gucci loafers and Tom Ford pants. You are truly telling on yourself beloved.

The Dating Game

I get inspired by real life and in real life I’ve seen two conversations about dating that sparked my interest and my concern. These discussions were primarily happening among Black singles, and made me wonder if some of the confusion surrounding dating, “courting”, and commitment was part of the reason I know a good handful of extraordinary men and women who remain single. There seem to be so many different interpretations of what these rather simple terms really mean. Are we complicating these concepts too much, or is it like my good friend said… “interpretation is the whole problem.”

For a little insight, I have had a very varied love life. I’ve been married and in relationship with that man for many years, but no longer. I have cohabitated with men. I have been in long term committed relationships. I have also been with a few liars and cheats for short periods of time… cuz they were stupid. I am admittedly sensitive with my mates because I expect to be protected in that space in a way I am not outside of it day to day. Yet I am very self-sufficient, and looking for a partner, not a come up. What I am not is a dater. I have never had time for that. I am not going to spend any of my time with you besides a coffee date or two to talk about intentions (if you like to lay eyes and the phone is not your thing) if we are not on the same page. You gotta come to the parlor and sit and talk to me, play a hand of parcheesi, and state your purpose. If our purposes line up then we can go to a picture show. Period.

So what really is dating? The act of going on dates perhaps. A date according to good old Merriam-Webster is a social engagement between two people with a romantic character. One can go on a date to get to know a person, sit across from someone they find attractive, to share companionship, to get to know people and therefore what they like and don’t like, or to determine whether they are compatible enough to start a relationship. Only the latter if those options coincide with determining what your mutual intentions are… but since everyone has some intentions, each stage should IMO. The point at which it is determined that your goals match is the point at which healthy and transparent dating, courting, or commitment commences. If your goals just entail going on dates and don’t involve future plans, you are dating. Just dating. Once your outings have moved from just outings to purposeful engagements meant to solidify a commitment to one another, that’s courting. Dating can continue indefinitely or we can just randomly and inconsistently date. There is nothing random, inconsistent, or indefinite about commitment. That is an bona fide intention.

Most problems enter the picture when people fail to communicate, fail to believe the others intentions, or accept intentions that don’t meet their own. Some people love the spontaneity of the unplanned, but if you have work, responsibilities, and certainly children… that might not be your ministry. You need a plan. Communicate that. Don’t call me Friday to go out Saturday, we need to make plans, well in advance. Some people like to play things by ear. If that’s not you, speak up. I am dating to find a partner in marriage, what do you want? That conversation and statement of intent does not mean you will marry him or her, but you are each clear about the goal. The rest is up to compatibility, personality, behavior, traditions, emotional availability, etc., but the basic intentions have been set. You will either commit to that goal as time moves forward or not. But until you communicate them, both of you, it’s like floating in the water with your sail down… you don’t have any idea where you are going or where you will end up. And maybe that’s cool with you… maybe it’s not.

I believe most of us want to find someone to share our lives with… but a whole lot of us are not ready. If that’s your goal, perhaps readying yourself and not dating just for the hell of it, should be your first mission. The desire to be in a committed relationship won’t go away simply because you lack the resources and tools to make it work… you’ll convince yourself and some man or woman you don’t want that commitment and just emotionally injure yourself further and waste their time. Heal yourself until you can be a healthy partner, and then be honest about what you want and accept nothing less than that.

Whatever your intentions… make sure you are clear. Disappointment usually comes from having unmet expectations. You don’t have to wait in suspense for things to happen when you have clarity.

Now run along… there’s a gentleman caller in my parlor awaiting my grand entrance and my bustle needs fixing.

Bash Mister’s Head Open…

Did you finish it!?

I know you know it.

“…and think about Heaven later!”

Amen!

Everyday it seems, there is a moment that highlights for me the strength and resilience of Black women who stand in their Blackness and their womanhood. Today was no different. Today’s manifestation gave me greater insight on two groups I don’t belong to… black women (as distinctly opposed to Black women) and coy White women. As women, we couldn’t be more different.

So Black women don’t have the luxury of privilege and protection that White women do or the luxury of patriarchal privilege that White men do. We have to stand up, put our hands on our hips, and let our backbones slip with some stank on it… particularly professionally and socially. We are at the height of a pandemic where simple things like using safety measures to protect oneself are discouraged by our world leader, when the pandemic is having its most major affect in racially diverse and heavily populated areas. We have to be real clear on where we stand. Black people are continually brutalized and murdered by wayward police officers, so we have to be real clear on where we stand. Our incumbent President can’t open his mouth to declare white supremacy a human rights violation, so we have to be real clear on where we stand. We also have to be clear on who we stand in fellowship with, allow in our circle and blindly support.

For clarity, black women belong to the Black racial group but they often see their racial culture as secondary to the other cultures they belong to… women, evangelical Christian, wealthy, whatever. So instead of experiencing their race and sex and class and culture intersectionally, they backseat their Blackness. So they find themselves often in some sort of struggle when they have to defend and stand up in their Blackness with their evangelical, wealthy, White cohorts. People they usually have more affinity to than folks who look like them.

Data shows… White evangelicals overwhelmingly voted for Trump, at 76%. 55% of White women voted against their own interests to vote for Trump with 61% of White men. 54% of those who make over $100K did as well. (https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/11/03/us/elections/exit-polls-president.html). So if these are your folks, you need to know these facts. If you are a black woman, you have to get real clear about where your faith and your tolerance collide. Personally I see no issue. God commands us to love, so as God’s soldier you mandated and indoctrinated with the purpose of calling out hate, whether it is rooted in race, gender, sexual orientation, class, whatever. You should have no problem condemning hate and every instance of it… socially, professionally, even politically. That’s the cause you take up as an evangelical. But again numbers don’t lie… so look your White evangelical friends and colleagues and customers in the face… be real clear or not, the choice is yours. But when they spit back racist, sexist, homophobic, classist vitriol… and you’ve been silent…

“… in yo face/open yo mouth, give you a taste.” -Missy Elliot

It is most likely that 76% of your White Christian friends see you as “a good black” and are okay with the rest of us jungle heathens going back to hellhole countries despite having a much larger ancestral claim to America, as we know it, than they do. If you are okay with that… sobeit. You black, it’s all good. But if you are Black, this is your friendship mantra, and you aren’t afraid to go tell it on the mountain…

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” -James Baldwin

Be clear, I have friends and acquaintances of many a hue. However I’m very clear about how differently we are allowed to see life. Some shit I can’t ignore or blindly accept. Other shit I just cannot do. Unless I’m surrounded by folks who look like me who make decisions, chances are I’m going to be seen as a problem professionally. I’m smart, assertive, outspoken, and equally skilled and talented. I’ve had to learn how to fight for me. I don’t have the luxury of whining and looking for barriers of protection. But white women…

Do.

On more than one occasion I have witnessed a White woman’s response to mistreatment or unfairness. It’s like watching her sink in quicksand, hand just outstretched, no fight, no struggle, just this assurance she’d be saved. Often she was. But now I know why it took so long to let women become soldiers… cuz they (White women because Black women been fighting) are gonna scream, drop their weapon, and go hide behind their captain. It’s the same way they vote for their husband’s instead of their own… phantom protection. Be clear sis… he likely dislikes you more than he dislikes Tyrone. Racism is rooted in American society, Sexism is rooted in the American family.

So while coy white women , cuz White women like Black women are not a monolith, are trying to show integrity to people who will lie to them and sabotage them, mainly White men… they willingly shrink instead of bossing up to fight. And for a Black woman who is used to being second guessed, called to prove her worth, sabotaged because I’m so fucking dope and they know it… that captain save me, lily livered, weakassery has no place in my life and it just sounds like desperation and quitting had a baby named Sarah. Stop it. Put on those big girl panties he hates so much and grab a choppa. Blow up his spot by calling out his sexism and highlighting his each and every wrong. Don’t shrink, grow up and strap on your Nancy Sinatra boots. Walk all over his ass!

“For most of history, anonymous was a woman.”-Virginia Woolf

As a woman free from her chains, it’s partially my job to show other women their own… so they can recognize them as chains and break free. This isn’t a condemnation, it’s a truth telling. So share this with your black women and coy White women friends…

Some of these Narcissists are Haters too

“Playa, turn your head round
Take off that crown, you’ve been robbed” (Playa Hater, Biggie)

I’m breaking away from Election 2020 for a second, because I recently had a realization that made me really kind of take some inventory of my folks. I tend not to bring people along that don’t bring some light in, and I am unapologetic about it. But some folks you are just expected to fuck with… familial, professional, social. Nope and Nope and Nope. My energy is reserved for folks who in turn give me positive energy. That’s it. Anything else is uncivilized…

People who value you take interest. So if you know me, you know: I’m good with the words; I am particular about how my message gets across; I handle business. If there is one thing I can do well, it is communicate. I don’t need anyone to EVER speak for me. So after a recent incident that went totally against those truths, I realized someone whose business it should be to know who am I, doesn’t and doesn’t seem to care to. It’s really too bad because I am dope AF! Quote me. But it be your own people man…

Be clear, I am not complaining, I’m realizing. There are likely many people who could give two good fucks about me… that’s cool, feeling is likely mutual. But if it’s likely that you might ever need me in any way, it’s probably a good idea to be not only interested in who I am… whether I’ll hand you water or arsenic… but to treat me like I’m equally as important as you are and not like I’m your fan. Only people I’d fan out for are moonwalking and living their purple life in Heaven… surely someone who I’ve seen in their hair bonnet would never imagine I’m impressed by their regular ass. Proud maybe… maybe…impressed, no.

It be your own folks tho…

The ones who should support you, but don’t have a clue who you are, what you do, and what you have accomplished. The ones who should big up you, but try to son you like you are a peasant among Queens (many of whom are other narcissists themselves, say less) out in these streets. The ones who share or have shared your blood, space, energy, experiences, legacy, but spend more time trying to keep up with and get noticed by the Jones’s to honor how well you are representing the ancestors. The ones who will claim you and your greatness when they want something, and then talk to you like you are one of the help… my office hours are…

Fuck you Little Red.

I got an army on my team… a few different armies in fact. They will shake the coins outta your pockets for me… “pull a Suge Knight, press the issue on sight.” (Twist My Fingers, YG).

So I’m good. But I like to share my lessons with y’all, and I learned a lesson. Narcissists want to be the center of attention in every circle they belong to… they can’t stand to concede the floor. So whether they are family, friend, or foe, eventually they will attempt to dim your light. They are an overcast, and I told y’all I need light. Be careful who you let in… and don’t be afraid to cut off anyone that doesn’t know how to honor their shine without attempting to dim yours. I’m glowing. You are dull. Sharpen up sis… or get cut! It’s that simple.

Narcissism is a whole ass mental illness. Narcissists are also really good at fooling you. You think you see confidence, success, leadership, and empathy. In reality you are seeing the strange fruit of insecurity, loss, and weakness, and selfishness. Every picture is for a like. Every move is for attention. Every word is for applause. But I’m not fooled. Your narcissism will get you your whole ass handed to you, so settle down.

You can’t fit this crown! 👑

The Spirit of Kashiya Nwanguma

November 1, 2020: I slept all day on Halloween, so I’m up at 3.15am, when this Trump/Pence commercial comes on TV. The extreme dislike I’ve had for someone I don’t know personally know but who affects my life personally got really clear… clearer than it’s ever been. I not only work in government, but I’m a student of Constitutional Law and a advocate for the total liberation of Black people from racist systems in America. I’m a feminist. I’m always rooting for everybody Black. I’m a humanist. I’m an empath. In my 43 years, the last four have been some of the most difficult to watch play out socially. It all goes back to Kashiya Nwanguma.

While positive representation matters so people can envision themselves in their dreams, representation in negative situations can lead you to envision yourself in your biggest nightmare.

In March of 2016, Donald Trump held a rally in Kentucky. Like most of his rallies, there were protesters calling him out as a racist, booing him, the regular, and his militia of poor to working class angry White people who felt like the American Dream was denied them by some affirmative action program. He instructed the crowd to “get them out”, and the White male crowd began to mob, surround, push, shove, and manhandle three of the protestors. All three claimed some form of assault happened on the rally floor. One stated he was punched in the torso, one stated she was pushed and shoved, and the third, Kashiya Nwanguma, stated she too was pushed and shoved, which you can clearly see in all the videos of the event, towards the exit by the mob and called racial and sexist epithets. She filed suit against Trump after the incident. One of the most violent was in a MAGA hat, was Matthew Heimbach, a known white nationalist, who was charged with assault and battery. Another defendant, a Veteran, apologized for his actions. The ring leader, your President and his campaign were charged with incitement of a riot, negligence, and vicarious liability. Trump was found guilty of inciting a riot.

Kashiya Nwanguma

Watching that woman who looks like me and many of the people closest to me, started this period of intense reflection for me about the space in which I occupy as a Black woman. I am the mother of a Black son, who was younger than Tamir Rice, a 12 year old shot dead by police while playing with a toy gun in a park in 2014. I am highly educated and successful, the very person those mobs of White men see as their direct threat. I am outspoken, assertive, and I speak up for myself and others who may be silenced, especially in the face of racism and sexism and the delicate but real intersection of that discrimination. I am also a threat at work, armed with more knowledge, skill, and talents than the majority of my counterparts, especially those who make the decisions about who will sit beside them to compete for further promotional and leadership opportunities. My resumé and skill set outperform them by leaps and bounds, but I’m not given the same opportunity as the mediocre white women and white men around me. I often feel pushed and shoved towards the exit by a mob of white people. I hear “get her out” everytime they deny me an opportunity for no other reason than I’m Black, female, smart, and unapologetic about it. I am Kashiya Nwanguma.

The Presidency of Donald Trump has been a stark reminder that we are both a threat and unwanted. They will push us out, and if that doesn’t work they will pack the courts with people who will deny us our rights, and if that doesn’t work, they’ll sanction police to kill us in the streets, behind bars when we speak up and protest their mistreatment, or in our own homes when they scare us out of our sleep. These things are not new, but technology has given us the ability to videotape them and share them on every social media platform over and over so we all see it happening, sometimes in real time. The availability of these direct messages of hatred has been both eye opening and simultaneously difficult to consume on what seems to be sometimes a daily and sometimes a weekly basis. We are able to find out who the victims and perpetrators are in a matter of minutes. We are able to see the victim’s mistakes flashed before us like justification and their history of protest and activism that sealed their fate like so many of our heroes before them. We also get to see these racist monster’s manifestos and hate group participation live and in living color in a matter of minutes. These things didn’t start in 2016 but they certainly have been amplified.

Here’s the thing… we have the ability to show that we are not the same Americans who enslaved millions of people for hundreds of years. We are not the same America that put holes in humans with high pressure water hoses because they simply wanted to be treated with respect and dignity. We are not the same America that planned the execution of every Black hero that gave us hope in times of despair. There are certainly some of us who are those same people, but the majority of us have evolved past those times. We cannot sit around and allow the least of us to represent the best of us anymore. The American Dream is a fallacy because the systems of racism in place do not allow ALL AMERICANS to reap the success from the seeds of excellence they sow. However, we can redefine the American Dream, and it can morph and change over time. Right now, let’s start with this… Let’s construct an America where the laws and policies reflect the desires of the best of us and not the worst of us, where respect, humanity, and freedom from the -isms that allow some to be treated less well than the others are our guiding goals. Because this shit going on right now… is some bullshit.

The best of us won’t vote for a man who instructs a crowd to get protestors out by violence, but particularly not one who instructs White men to push and shove a Black woman like a rag doll, who admits to touching women without consent, and who has commented he would date his daughter. The best of us won’t vote for a man who says suburbanites (read: White middle class) should be afraid of urban (read: Black poor) people ruining their neighborhoods and infiltrating their schools. The best of us don’t vote for a man who says a pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands and left long standing health implications with millions is a blessing. The best of us don’t vote for a man who can’t simply say white supremacy is horrible and children should not be separated from their parents and left in cages for crossing a border. The worst of us will and then attempt to justify it with arguments about the economy and politics.

Donald Trump is not a politician. He has said so several times. He’s a business man who once hated the mere idea that in his America, a Black man… a handsome and articulate one at that… could elevate to the highest position of leadership as his businesses failed and went bankrupt, his intelligence was questioned, his hair piece ran away from his face, and his waistline disappeared. He is President because he was angry a Black man was President, so much so he incited the white supremacists into voting for him claiming to care about their economic and personal interests… when all he really wanted was for Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Moe to put bullets in their rifles, put on their hoods or riot gear, light their tiki torches, lace up their steel toe boots, and catch a nigger by the toe.

They caught Kashiya Nwanguma… and she put on her cape, activated her Black Girl Magic, sued the shit out of them, and called them out. So in the infinitely dynamic spirit of Kashiya Nwanguma, let’s #sayhername while she is alive and well, and take the pushes and shoves we have endured and make our gold cuffs, our ballot and our lasso, our vote, and catch a racist by the toe… and when he hollers, which he will, we will sing in harmony…

“Bone, bone, bone, bone, bone, bone Now tell me whatcha gonna do
When there ain’t no where to run
When judgment comes for you”

Tuesday, November 3rd, I’ll see you at the crossroads!

The Case of Chonkyfire v. Spottieottiedopalicious

Victim OR Survivor

Real OR Fake

Narcissist OR Empath

Shit Starter OR Shit Ender

Folks swear they are the gold standard when they are just electroplated dookie chains, hollow than a mofo, clanging like symbols on their chest. A Jesus Piece dangling on aluminum, yet everybody is hating on their fly. Nigga please…

Here are some facts.

People don’t wrong you because it’s something wrong with you. They desert, disappoint, or dishonor you because they ain’t shit. Yeah hurt people hurt people, blah blah… but a good person is honorable enough not to steep you in the shit they are sitting in. Stop trying to find people in the ruins. They gotta get the ash off their soul and the weight of the rubble off of their heart before you have even a crumble of a human being to work with. Be a survivor.

Be entirely who you are, because everyone can peep when you are trying to live beyond your means and your station. If you get off at Baltic don’t ride all the way to Park Place to fake the funk. Be live af on Baltic… put some hotels on that bitch and ride out! Be real.

You either care about humanity or you only care about yourself. Period. Pick a side. There is no middle lane.

You either fix shit or cause shit.

Everyone who is in the wrong side of the OR has some life work to do. You are not fine as all outdoors, and instead of lulling folks with lukewarm lullabies you simply bring all the “rats, mice, and snakes out they hole.” Before you go thinking everyone is wronging you, look at what you are doing. Who tf are you really? If you sit on a throne of thorns, the pain in your ass ain’t other folks. It’s you Suga, it’s you.

It doesn’t matter how many roses you claim. All the judgment you heap onto other folks, all that ego tripping, all that minding other folks business, all that talking loud and saying nothing for the opportunity to hear yourself, and all that fake shit is really just anointing your head with a crown of nettles that ensure no matter what color you paint yourself… Melanin Mahogany or Moe Money Green, you end up Bloody Red and maybe missing an eye and on your knees. If you can’t stay above water, it’s the cement boot of narcissism and grandiosity that ensures you sleep with the fishes. Even beauty supply hoops are good for that one night at the club, but you turn everything you touch green with your envy.

We ain’t all the same.

Narcissists like to claim they are the bomb… yet insecurity fuels the undesirable effects their inflated self-importance, lack of humanity, intense and constant need for attention, and inability to maintain healthy relationships have on people. It’s exhausting to continue to deal with someone who only sees what’s happening to them and never sees what they are doing to others. Remember, people who continuously do other folks wrong are the problem, not the recipient of the bad behavior. You aren’t wrong if you cut the ties that bind you to folks who can’t do right by you because they don’t have the ability to. In fact, it’s the healthiest option. Sometimes you just have to drop the punch bowl and start the process of letting go…

“Damn, Damn, Damn James” -Outkast “Spottieottiedopalicious”

Narcissists are Chonkyfire… they are “if fire in the hole” was a person. They are disturbers of nature. They flood the wrong places with vermin. They release the wrong gases into the atmosphere, causing people to inhale their stink. Characters and not actors…

“…let’s add up all the factors
You whack, you’re twisted, your girl’s a ho
You’re broke, the kid ain’t yours, and everybody know…” -DMX “Party Up”

The Ghosts of Jerry Heller

Ice Cube, born O’Shea Jackson, is truly a musical genius. He was writing some of the dopest lyrics in existence in any rap catalog at 15. He had a hugely successful rap career, even after leaving N.W.A in 1989. But in what is a very well known hip hop legend, he was still living with his parents even after Straight Outta Compton, the multi platinum album was released with Cube as both performer and writer… on EVERY song. According to Forbes, Cube had received only about $30,000 in album royalties at the time of his exit. His contract with Jerry Heller, Eazy E, and Ruthless Records proved to be legal robbery, and resulted in one of the most intense rap beefs in history. Talk about “No Vaseline”.

So recently Ice Cube has been interested in promoting a Black agenda to government, a very noble and innovative plan to have the needs and wants of the Black community heard by the powers that be. And here’s the thing, in the land of real ass Black folks, despite his Hollywood success, Cube is still that guy. Or he was until he fell for the same shiny penny our incumbent President drops in front of everyone with an anti-white supremacist policy they want to share with his whitewashed and shuck and jive administration. There is no in between. Dude cavorts with straight white nationalists or Black folks with Jermaine Jackson shellacked hair, a few dollars in the bank, and a MAGA hat dancing off beat to “You Can’t Touch This”. He is not your Svengali. He can’t save us from racism, sexism, poverty, or the deeds of Jerry Heller.

It’s less than 30 days to the election, the slave master ancestral spirits are out, and the ghosts of Jerry Heller are amongst them. Cube, you in trouble boy.

So, this is all you need to know about this Ice Cube business… at the VERY end of the day, he can talk to and promote anything he wants in the name of the progression of Black people in America. However, what is ALSO true is that (1) he is CLEARLY unlearned on how ANY of this works and (2) promoting that to a man who has picked a Black woman as his running mate versus promoting that to a man who is trying to get a White woman who thinks it’s okay to call Black people niggers at work a seat in the Supreme Court, who name checks a white supremacists group at a nationally broadcast debate, and who admits to sexually abusing women out loud on tape is wholly different.

Promote your contract on a bipartisan basis and sit down, you are no politician and therefore you don’t see that the incumbent is planning to make you look like a whole entire fool. He is Jerry Heller and this is your first contract… He dedicated $500 billion to your plan, promised to make Juneteenth a national holiday… he doesn’t know wtf Juneteenth is and doesn’t care and he has to get these billions passed through the Congressional budget. Remember Jerry Heller… $30K out of MILLION… with this dude you won’t see $500 of $500 billion. He’s a crooked ass politician… making promises he can’t knowingly deliver upon. Hence why Biden’s camp said, we will address it after the election. Beyond that, that clown is not promoting anything worth $500 billion for Black people. The last Black man to shuck and jive for him danced on camera at his rally where he contracted COVID and died, and dude ain’t sent condolences the first to Hermain Cain’s family publicly. Not a bleeding heart arrangement, a pan of fried chicken, NOTHING. You think he cares about a negro who wrote “F@ck the Police” … no sir he does not, just like he could care less about George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and any other Black life.

You’ve already been hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amok. Anything that is said this close to an election is campaigning… not policy making. He would tell you he’d paint the White House black, put in some bead curtains and bean bag chairs in the blue room, play “Tell Me Sumthing Good” by Rufus and Chaka, and have a whole basement party if he thought that would get him elected. But be clear, Donald Trump is not at all interested in contracting with Cube, Kanye, or anyone else. He especially ain’t interested in contracting with Black America. What he is interested in is himself… that’s all. And he is Jerry Hellering Cube so tough when he gets up there might be Jheri curl activator left where his head was resting.

It’s important that we don’t allow our legacies to be trampled upon because we are fooled into believing both Biden and Trump are different sides of the same coin. They are not. This isn’t about Conservative v Liberal, Republican v. Democrat. This is about Decency v. Evil, Life v. Death, and Right v. Wrong. You can’t contract with evil or death. And you most certainly cannot be on the wrong side of this election. But any contract you have sat down with Trump to promote is already worse than Cube’s first contract. At least he got something, and eventually got his royalties. Your President is bargaining with chips he ain’t even got access to yet… he’s promising you billions on a $750 budget. Talk about No Vaseline. So y’all Black Republicans and negroes with the spirit of the house slave running through you, please stop acting like Cube is doing something righteous. He’s angry, I get it, but the only contract he’s making is with the devil…Lord of the Flies…Beezlebub. Period!

“You better check yo self before you wreck yo self
‘Cause I’m bad for your health
I come real stealth” -Ice Cube, “Check Yo Self”

I Request Equal Time…

So y’all already know I think and process in song lyrics.

Trump: This monster who was onstage with Mike Pence…

Senator Harris: Just killed another career it’s a mild day… (Nicki Minaj, Monster)

I got your monster, you joker!

We all saw VP Pence do that white patriarchal privilege bullshit at the VP debate on Tuesday, speaking over Senator Harris, attempting to force her to bend to his whim, mansplaining, being condescendingly disrespectful, undermining her intelligence and experience, and speaking to her as he was the superior intellectual on the stage. But like a true Boss, she tapped that. She gave him the business. She did so with full on face language in moments that cursing him to hell would have been inappropriate, by coming at him with facts, and calling him on his lies despite his evangelical tone.

“Ok first things first I’ll eat your brains…”

Meanwhile Black women far and wide could relate, and were posting and group texting about how they endured that same level of sexism that showed itself in his ‘the man will get the last word’ behavior and the added intersection of race that led him to question her qualifications and experience like she could not be the most qualified and experienced person on stage. It is a reality we are all too familiar with, sadly. We are often the first or the only in the room. Our intelligence, skill, and ability questioned and excused as good guesses and somehow only pursued to engage in some nefarious activity like we are all out here on our Jamila Davis. No shade to Jamila… she’s a Boss in her own right.

Not just victims of sexism or racism, Black women face the intersectional realities of being both Black and female in a nation that hates women and both fears and despises Black people. We are often marginalized by everyone… White men, White women, and sometimes Black men. We are labeled as weak of mind to expose our alleged inferiority to White men, but strong of body like animals, to inform our need to be controlled like savages. While white women are seen as needing protection to maintain some false purity standards. Yet we are among the most highly educated group of people in America, we have increased our entrepreneurial efforts by over 200% in recent years, and we are making it harder for anyone to deny our skills, talents, and success by how unapologetic we are being about spreading our accomplishments across the social sphere. Despite the stereotypes, we are professional, educated, skilled, and respected in every facet of American finance, law, industry, government, education, healthcare, technology, art… everything!

“You could be the King but watch the Queen conquer”

The truth is, like Senator Harris, we come prepared with a script on how to handle these shenanigans, borrowed from the boardroom and translated now across every place where we take up space. Our facial expressions say everything from …

And when you don’t get those, we are forced to use our inside voices and our SAT words to slice you a new asshole, and you know it’s happening, but it’s done with such precision and care, you don’t know you are a bloody mess. Then we settle back into ourselves to give you a chance to right your wrongs. But when you question our very presence, you can’t help but be a bigot and throw your privilege around like a boomerang… until we again, less gently, fact check the shit out of you, and your own privilege ricochets to smack you upside the head. We have an answer for your every move, but it’s an exhausting game that we have been told we must tiptoe around to avoid being cast as the very stereotypes that haunt us.

But I am here to tell you, after a decade of fighting with White men and women with my pen, careful words, tempered anger, and lowered voice, I can tell you that it won’t change your circumstance or their behavior to stay in the pocket. Being angry at mistreatment is normal, you don’t have to scream and holler but you can surely call out their discrimination, bias, privilege, and disrespect by name as your full self without worrying about the stereotypes you might fall into. You were born into these stereotypes, they aren’t yours by ownership though to claim or discard. God gave you a voice to speak up and out, to educate the ignorant, and to call out the clowns. You were put into that position divinely.

You don’t think some fool man tried to take over Harriet’s plan and try to mansplain to her how to best cross the delta in the darkness… you know Soloman B. did. But Harriet’s sideeye said to him…”How many slaves have you freed?”

You don’t think some extra dainty White woman hasn’t tried to tell Serena Williams a lithe body would fare her better in tennis, of course Amy did. But Serena had to politely tell her with a laugh… “I got Masters you just got plans.” But Queen Serena wasn’t joking.

You don’t think some White man told Oprah she’d never amount to anything more than a local TV host, of course Tanner did. But now Tanner works for her, and at the latest Harpo picnic Oprah invited Jay-Z to perform … “Call me a Phil Collins I feel a billion is in the air. I affiliate with Billy Gates, that’s my peer.” (Jay-Z, A Billi)

So my sistas, don’t cower, don’t bend or beg, don’t wait for scraps. Let them know you are there and if you don’t get equal pay, equal billing, and equal time where you have earned it, first you’ll ask for it. Then you’ll take it. Periodt!

Divorce is Ok

I have a wide cross section of friends who are married, single, divorced, some in relationships and others not. Most of us don’t define ourselves by our marital or relationship status, they are surely a large part of who we are, but not indicative our whole person. There are a few women I know personally and many I’ve encountered socially who are married and believe divorce is quitting… or they say things in that spirit.

I’m here to tell you that it most certainly is not!

I have been married. I’m currently divorced and in a committed relationship. I am a serial monogamist. I am that girl whose friends say “you always have a man.” The truth is, if I always had a MAN, I’d still be married. I have been in relationship with many men who simply were not mature enough to be with someone who has her shit together, standards, and her own. I have never been looking for someone to take care of me or to lace me, I lace myself… but I am certainly looking for a life partner. In that process, I have had to learn the hard way what is best for me. That means there are some things I’m unwilling to be involved in long term. Period. But ESPECIALLY for a lifetime. We should all have some boundaries. I honestly believe many women get married and shed and erect those boundaries as they go. As Tamar would say… that right there, she don’t do that !

Gone are the days when women had to be and remain married for financial security. Hell, not that I would suggest it, but women are choosing to have babies without a mate… times have changed. Women spend as much time outside of the home, working to financially support her family, as men do. I have plenty of friends who bring in more than their spouses. But even with those very clear markers that women no longer need to completely sacrifice and compromise themselves to stay married … never had to frankly… we continue to do so.

Be clear, I’m not suggesting divorce as a remedy for simple marital problems. I am suggesting that when you see signs that the man you chose does not intend to respect, consider, and commit to you as fully as you have him, after you have exhausted all other remedies, you don’t have to remain with that person who is refusing to treat you well. Period. We all have our own boundaries… mine are simple. If you are unfaithful to me by bringing another person into the intimate bounds of our relationship or by sharing your body with them, you gotta go. If you mistreat me or my child, you gotta go. If you steal or take from me, either materially or otherwise, you gotta go. Lastly, if you are unable to be trusted and show that continuously by your actions, you gotta go. Otherwise, the table is open for discussion and solution. But I’m not talking about you being unable to control yourself sexually, financially, or behaviorally. Go talk to a therapist.

Those women who qualify it as quitting, are typically women afraid to be alone. Women who say things like, they feel sorry for women who are dating. Women who don’t know their own strength and power.

If I’m practicing for a marathon, and the shoes I picked are not supporting me, are hurting me, are making me feel like I can’t finish the race, it’s time for a new pair of shoes. Doesn’t matter how much you spent on the bad shoes, how long you had them, or how good the reviews were. You need good shoes to plant in to make your relationship with the ground as steady and solid as possible. It may rain, the sun may go down. Other people may be ahead of you, or pass you, but your only competition is you and if you felt like you gave it your best. You can’t be at your best with janky shoes. You can’t be at your best with a janky man either sis!

Marriage is hard. Divorce is much more difficult. When you cleave to a partner, to end it, you have to chop them off like a limb. And like an amputee you will feel phantom emotions from that person you cut off. It’s very much like death. It’s also much like ending a book before the last chapter and having to wonder what might have been. So before you make that choice you have examine and exhaust all the possibilities for healing. But if you dig and find nothing but more dirt, eventually you can stop. There is nothing there. The choice is yours… but by no means is it a choice based on quitting. It’s a choice based on you, choosing you.

If you happen to be reading this and you are married and have sacrificed and compromised yourself into a person you no longer recognize for the sake of marriage, but you choose to stay, I hope you find comfort in that decision. But don’t attempt to weaken the person who makes a different choice. Like you, she too deserves support.

As for me, I chose not to subscribe to the very negative propaganda that is spread about Black couples, Black marriage, Black men, Black women, and Black love. Marriage is difficult to maintain across the board, but so can be your sense of self. One shouldn’t be sacrificed for the other, ever. Choosing you is NEVER quitting. It is imperative. Divorce doesn’t make you a quitter, just a survivor.

If you need to… and only you know that, quell the chatter, divorce is ok!