If You Ain’t Got You

Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all, if I don’t got...”

ME.

It’s true, indeed. Being in and giving love is the best feeling in the world when it’s reciprocated and consistent and good. Full stop.

It is also true that there is nothing you can receive fully and completely if you are not already in a full fledged love relationship with yourself. Full stop.

Both things are absolutely true, but let’s talk about the latter.

Some people want diamond rings…

Since the beginning of time, women have received the social message that their most desired state should be married woman. Not healthy woman, smart woman, independent woman, good woman… but married woman. Our worth is most often tied to being with a man, and when we are single, our top priority should be being someone’s woman.

In an 1889 article, women who were unmarried were asked “Why are you a spinster?” , which was considered a negative term and brings to mind a homely woman, who looks older than her years, with a home full of cats. This woman’s response was brilliant,

While she was not the norm, her independence and desire to be emotionally healthy and not overburdened by the needs of others, was not common. During this time women were looked at as perpetual juveniles, needing to be told how to act, and needing a man to ensure she was taken care of, something she was considered ill-prepared to do for herself.

So there is no surprise that women were conditioned to believe they needed a man, and more specifically be married, as validation of their worth. And it continues today…

“15 Ways to get him to propose.”

“Why are you single and alone?”

“Being single too long ruins you”

Those are real titles of real modern day articles. But they are no excuse to be ringmatized.

So many women simply want to be married… not They want to be married so badly that they will diminish parts of themselves, silence parts of themselves, give up and damn near extirpate parts of their very being to fit into someone’s model of wife. They’ll do anything for the ring.

They alienate themselves from friends and family to be at someone else’s beck and call. They allow themselves to be groomed to fit into some made up version of matrimonial perfection. They grow their hair out, if he prefers it. They lose or gain weight, if he prefers it. They stop drinking, cursing, dancing, dressing sexy or comfortably, to appeal to him.

Is that ring or marriage more important than who you are? Are you willing to give up yourself so you no longer check the single box?

“Some just want everything…”

Yep, I don’t know about you, but I want it all. Not just a man. Not just a marriage. Never just a ring. And certainly not any of it at the expense of my spirit.

They make men as raggedy or as wonderful as you can imagine. Marriage can be as fulfilling or as empty as you and that man are willing to ensure it is. But you will never get the same you back that you gave up. Now you can heal her, but that takes a lot of hard and arduous work my friends. Think of all the unhealed souls you know. Many of them stay that way, stuck in the Matrix, for a very long time.

When you love yourself and treat her properly, you teach other people how to treat you. A healthy you is kind to herself, she protects herself, and she realizes her value. An unhealthy you believes she is incomplete. Choose health. You don’t have to heal from an illness you never had. And it’s called desperation. (I said what I said.) The willingness to put yourself on the line comes from the belief that you aren’t good enough, so when someone does pick you, you have to prove your worth through blind dedication and self-sacrifice. Nope wrong!

Instead, you can ensure that you enter into relationships with your self intact. You should not have to give up parts of yourself to be with another person. He should have picked differently if you weren’t his cup of tea with honey and crumpets. But if his pick was intentional, well… he wanted you… all of you… whole and complete and imperfect, but you! So be who you are. The world is better when we are who we are meant to be rather than who anyone else might want us to be! And we are better when we know our worth is not found outside of us, but comes from within, from our healed heart, loving soul, and intact spirit. Whether we are single af, taken, married, or in partnerships… we are worthy of His love and his love. Ain’t no ring worth this goodness!

“But everything means nothing, if I ain’t got…”

Me!