cheating

My Lips Hurt…

Posted on by karyn deshields

Patriarchy is a hard word.

So I just watched the Janet Jackson documentary. She is a national treasure, be clear! We all knew she had a few marriages and relationships over her lifetime… not atypical for any woman, but especially a beautiful, famous, talented, sweet soul like she is. So no secrets there. But then, Jermaine Dupree comes on the screen… and announced his relationship with THEE Janet Jackson ended because he cheated on her. Now be clear, beautiful women get cheated on all the time. Beyoncé, Halle Berry… I could list names until my fingers fell off. Point made though. But Jermaine Dupree cheated on Janet Jackson…

I’m now convinced it’s some chromosomal defect.

You hear it all the time. What’s wrong with so and so…she’s pretty, successful, nice…why she can’t keep a man, why is she not married, why is she single, blah blah blah. Folks wrote books about what rules women should follow, what women should stop doing to find a mate, what top ten things women need to do to get a man, how to think like a man but act like a woman to get a man. I mean the dude that wrote the latter book allegedly cheated in his wife of 16 years with his current wife. The dude who starred in the movie cheated on his current wife when she was pregnant. And not that women don’t cheat, do wrong, ruin relationships… we certainly do, but the point here is different. This is particularly about how women are made to be responsible for being single and divorced or in a series of failed relationships, when it is COMMON KNOWLEDGE that many men have a problem keeping their penis in their pants, and that is often the cause of her singleness and failed relationships.

Jermaine Dupree claimed the fact that other women wanted to date him because he was dating Janet Jackson is the reason he cheated in her… WHAT!?!? They just wanted to see if they could compete with Janet sir, they didn’t give a damn about you my guy. The story was not I smashed JD. The story was, I smashed JD while he was with Janet. I mean…

So I need everyone to stop playing. We need to stop acting like women are to blame for the bad behaviors of unready and unsteady men. These dudes don’t walk up to you and say… hey girl I’m gonna hurt you, but give me a chance. They promise you the same things men who honor their word do, except… they don’t. They don’t wear a Scarlet A cuz guys don’t wear those. It’s okay for a man to be a whole heaux then decide he’s ready for more, but a woman who has sowed an oat or two has not readied herself for marriage because she has turned a few trick pages. Men can collect notches in their bedposts, but women are supposed to be pure and untouched… but who they getting the notches with tho!?! Men can be grimy but women have to be pristine? I call bullshit, and patriarchy. And we can argue patriarchy is an unfortunate reality, but a reality nonetheless. Yet, so is racism and if that is worth fighting against whenever it rears its ugly head, the idea that men are somehow more valuable than women because they are men, should elicit the same upset. I am no less valuable than a man or a White person. Period.

Men should be held to the same high standard women are held to. Men should be called to task and demanded to be better, more honorable, faithful, honest, loyal, etc. just as women are. A mans choice and decision to be dishonest to his woman and to lie to her about his outside sexual activity is manipulation and coercion to get her continued consent. Women don’t ask for that. In general women may know something is off or wrong, but we aren’t mind readers and don’t see visions in crystal balls, so we typically have operated in a space of unknowing until we know. But it isn’t our responsibility to stop or start doing something to get a certain behavior from a man… doesn’t work that way. Men should be the ONLY person held responsible for his behavior. Its too many women with the same story over and over for this to be just a woman issue. Cuz the common denominator in all this shit is the bad behavior of men. Just be single until you can be good. Who is telling dudes that with the same frequency you telling women what to do or not do?!?

Anyway… we tired. I’m tired. Tired of dudes who are determined to wrong us no matter how right we are. Tired of men and especially women giving women advice on men all the time, but never telling bad behaving men to stop that shit. We are tired of having to keep telling ya’ll this shit. Tired of having to explain that this shit is patriarchy. Tired of raggedy men being let off the hook because they are men. Our lips hurt.

But Thank You, Jermaine “These are My Confessions” Dupree. My guy made shit real clear this fine evening. Salute!

Cheating 301

Posted on by karyn deshields

A few housekeeping items… this is not a Master P “Ghetto D” how to, it is a 300 level course, a much deeper look into the consequences, experience, and processing of cheating behaviors inside what was built as a monogamous relationship. We often hear statistics on infidelity, how it affects relationships in a real esoteric and trivial way. But this is a perspective first hand … I’m about you give you something you can feel. I think it is a betrayal that is much more devastating and impactful than most of us give it credit. It is also an unconsented taking of liberty with someone’s body and emotions that we need to start treating as such. Snapped is a show for a reason.

So this is a deep share, but deeply relevant… so very recently, my long term relationship ended because of cheating… months long, intentionally and horribly deceptive, disruptive and chaotic, cheating. It was a heartbreak and setback that I was not expecting and did not see coming. It was a relationship I protected from any and all outside influence and individuals, and put a great deal of my time and energy into. I felt like that was reciprocated until I learned about his disturbing behavior, that included giving this other person access to me. But more about that shortly. Point is, it was a messy and very peace disruptive experience that left me feeling devalued by a person too damaged to choose to honor who honored him.

There are many studies and surveys, and generally 40% of Americans admit to cheating on a spouse or partner. There are many reasons expressed for cheating, but I don’t think any of those reasons ultimately matter. In fact, much of the nomenclature and messaging around cheating, in an of itself is problematic.

“Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you.” -David Leviathan, The Lover’s Dictionary

It really is infidelity, and that is a much better word. The perpetrator much like an infidel, where the issue at hand is not religion, but not believing in the honesty and truthfulness of commitment.

Like most adults with integrity, I am (and was) very very clear about my standards and what it is I am committing to… I just don’t really have the time to engage in uncertainty. So, I make it very clear that if this is not a commitment to honoring honesty, faithfulness, security, kindness, support, and compassion then I am not interested. In other words, if you want to engage in fuckery, I am not your girl. I have no time for it, and I am vindictive and will probably try to ruin your life afterward. I don’t offer that as a positive trait, just an honest one, so you get a feel for the lay of the land here. I speak in clear terms. I am not interested in cheating, your friends or family invading the inner sanctum of our relationship, lies about anything, or being used. I am not running an inn for hobosexuals, any decision to cohabitate will be after careful planning, lots of communication, a clear and concise budget, and demonstration of a healthy, open, and honest relationship. I am not an ATM, do not ask me for money, period. If necessary parts of your body don’t work and you don’t already have a doctor involved who has given you therapy or pharmacology to fix that, come back when that has happened. I mean the basics. I don’t ask for much. I don’t have a laundry list, but I do have standards. I am like the bumper cars at the amusement park, you do have to be over a certain height, but it’s a pretty easy and fun ride if you meet the requirements. But folks just don’t want to do right.

“I know the way a nigga livin was whack
But you don’t get a nigga back like that!
Shit I’m a man with pride, you don’t do shit like that
You don’t just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don’t throw away what we had, just like that
I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon’ get right back” –Song Cry,

That…. is that bullshit!

While so many people try to reduce the importance of the sexual part of infidelity, it is a salient feature. Even when people say, it meant nothing, the sacredness of intimacy means everything. Living outside of the bounds set without telling their partner, their sexual partner, is a betrayal that often leaves the other party unprotected from the outsider the infidel has invited into the relationship without mutual consent. You see, while it is important to remember that the issue is with the partner, and not the man or woman he or she was cheating with, if that man or woman was a willing side piece, their trash ass won’t hesitate to deliver you all the receipts, screenshots, and chaos they collected on their back. When that person has also been lied to, which is often the case, very often it is the unaware partner and not the infidel who receives the wrath of the third party. Sex is rarely void of emotion, so you add a lack of emotional maturity to a lack of integrity, very rarely will that not erupt into a mess. A mess the unsuspecting partner did not want or ask for, but has been attacked with.

Furthermore, when one is engaging sexually with someone other than their partner, they are taking away their partner’s ability to choose. If two people have agreed to have a monogamous relationship, the agreement is to have consenual sex with only one another. The minute either party wants to change that, if they are interested in having a willing partner, they should be offering them the option to participate or not. Perhaps they will… great. But if they don’t want to , they now have the floor to make whatever decision is best for them based on honesty. Otherwise, finding out your partner was sleeping with both you and another person, feels not only like a betrayal of emotion but a betrayal of body. An invasion of my sacred physical space with negative and dishonest energy. An invasion of my sacred emotional space with lies, betrayal, and another unwanted and uninvited person. An invasion of my mental space because I am left to process emotions that affect my thoughts about myself, my future, my worth, etc. It is so much more than cheating… it’s not looking at someone else’s paper during a test, or hiding a scrabble tile when your opponent isn’t looking, it is a deep betrayal that has harmful and negative physical, sexual, emotional, and mental manifestations that were not agreed to. Like David said above, Fuck you.

Infidelity causes a deep wound in the partner cheated upon, and often leads that person having to heal their heart and their mind from hurtful emotions and unhealthy thoughts. But hopefully they land on the fact that the choices other people make are their own. Every relationship has moments of downtime. Maybe you are both busy, or maybe just one of you. Perhaps work or school is taking up a lot of your time. Maybe you are having health concerns. Whatever the case, those moments are times that you and your partner should cleave to one another, and more importantly, if one of you is feeling in the myriad of ways that might lead one to even consider being unfaithful, it is an opportunity to have a difficult conversation that can strengthen your relationship. Integrity is a priceless human value, and even when it is hard, we should be interested in doing the right thing to honor our commitments. Our last intention should be to hurt someone we love and care about intentionally. But when folks are selfish, used to or even turned on by foolishness, and/or don’t value themselves… they won’t value and appreciate you.

Cheating is intentional, and it is wack AF. It involves the thoughts before the decision is made, every step toward that decision, the follow through, and then every lie one has to tell to try to keep their behavior away from their partner. Trust is like glass, if you just keep stepping on it, eventually it will break… maybe even the first time. No one, not even a spouse, should be expected to tolerate betrayal. Nobody wants to deal with someone’s inability to take responsibility for breaking trust. Nobody wants to deal with cycling emotions of apologies, shame, anger, irritation, and frustration from a cheater… are you even serious?!?! Nobody should have to wait for anyone else to be ready for commitment… if you show up for it, be ready for it. Otherwise stay away from intentional and purposeful people.

When we enter relationships and make agreements about how that relationship will be conducted, we owe it to our partner to honor that or if we change our mind, to inform then before we break our commitment. It really is not hard. It is always easier to do the right thing, always. Bullshit just breeds bullshit. I did nothing to deserve this bullshit. That I am clear about. My emotions are raw and my feelings are hurt, but I am also faithful that next time around, someone who is going to honor me completely will show his face. For right now, this ride is closed for construction. But all of you engaged in partnerships, marriages, whatever or however you construct your relationship, be intentional and purposeful and honor your partner. Don’t be a heaux, but if you must, be like Cody and only…

As for the unfaithful… you gotta live with the fact you did me wrong forever…

The Undoing…

Posted on by karyn deshields

What drives people to be unfaithful, to be so disloyal to someone they claim to love that they will share themselves with someone outside of their relationship, commitment, marriage.
Selfishness?
Lack of self-control?
Fear?

I would like to venture that it’s not the act in and of itself that is the most painful to that person’s mate. It is the deception, the lie, the failure to be honest about where one was, what they were doing, the distortion of the who , what, when, where, and why. And that deception is not the actual act, but the source of the most difficult result of the act. And what drives that…
Ego.


The sheer audacity to assume that your truth will remain hidden, when we ALL know that the truth always comes out… in some form or another… always. That’s the work of the most irrational, asinine, and self-protecting part of the psyche.
It is not the fault of being ignored or feeling lonely. It is the fault of audacity.

The complete destruction of trust and safety. The realization that this person you share a life with, space with, who in your most vulnerable state you sleep next to, would sacrifice your shared trust and your personal safety in the name of protecting themselves, over your unit. The audacity, the deception, the egotism… that is the undoing.

Be responsible. Honor your commitments. Be strong enough to communicate through whatever fear, lack, challenge, temptation might be at play. Don’t sacrifice your 80 for a dalliance with 20, and there will be nothing to undo.

Hart of the Matter

Posted on by karyn deshields

So have y’all watched the Kevin Hart documentary? Well if not, I’m about to talk about it so come back after you watch it. Anyway, I am a few episodes in and I see a lot of commentary on his cheating scandal and his wife, Eniko Hart’s reaction and commentary. His cheating…yet her words are at issue.

His.cheating.

This isn’t a bash Kevin Hart thing… trust, I understand that people make mistakes and have lapses of good judgement. Bad decisions. People also should own and admit responsibility for their chosen failures and seek whatever redemption is necessary. Seems like he has done the latter. He also clearly strives to be a better husband and a much better father to his children than what he witnessed. Props for that. Mad props. But be clear… his indiscretions don’t make his wife or anyone BUT HIM at fault or in any way responsible for his shitty behavior. His shit.

The Blame Game…

“I’m happy now that it kind of happened… he’s a better man now because of it“-Eniko Hart

Her reaction and her grace towards him are her own and she has every right to it. Now… be clear… I don’t understand that shit at all. At all. Sure someone might learn from their mistakes and be dedicated to making good decisions, I get that. But there is no way I personally would be happy to be cheated on. No way. I can’t say if I’d stay or not, because I’m not having any more kids and I’m not with someone who has cheated. However, I can assure you that happy would not be on my list of emotions. But again, her right.

More importantly, given the circumstances of the situation, learning about it via social media, being pregnant, the extortion from his longtime friend, fame, and the very public embarrassment, let’s not act like this situation is your typical, run of the mill, situation. It is not. She was put in a horrible position at the worst possible time. Yet there is something about the growth and betterment she speaks of that is reminiscent of what tends to happen to and with women in these situations. It’s what makes her words sad.

So very often women’s actions are torn apart and analyzed as if they made the indescretion. That is unfair and riddled with sexism and the hatred of women. More importantly, women are expected to forgive and then give accolades for a man changing his behavior when that change came at her expense. That too is unfair and riddled with sexism and the hatred of women. Search Twitter for #KevinHart and tons of women make these points, but very few men. Men need to hear from other men that their mistreatment of women and toxic masculinity is bullshit. Men and women cheat, it’s wrong af. Women rarely get out of that unscathed from being called a whole whore. It is often excused for men.

You could see in her face she ingested his responsibility to be good to her by excusing his behavior. Because that kind of hurt will land and reside somewhere, you could see it in her emotions, on her face, and hear it in her words, her voice. So often when men, especially celebrity men are unfaithful, their women are left to bear the brunt of the blame in some way or another.

“I don’t have my circle around me… when your circle is around you it’s kinda hard to do stupid shit… I didn’t have nobody with me.” -Kevin Hart

Everyone needs to own up to their shit. All of it. We should also not be blaming our inability to not cheat on our pregnant wife on other dudes. Nope.

See, THIS type shit is why people are side-eyeing him a bit harder after this documentary. He briefly talks about how he hurt his wife, but more focus is put on the extortion attempt because there was a videotape of the incident allegedly by a close friend. He and his friends repeatedly say it is because they were not there. Nope. He had ALL the responsibility to remain faithful to his pregnant wife. Hopefully behind closed doors his friends called him on his shit… and didn’t just emphasize their absence but his presence somewhere he did not belong. It’s not just about something unnecessary happening to him that hurt his image… he did this to his family… he betrayed his wife during one of the most fragile times of her life. And the dude who videotaped it is extra special foul. But that man did not make him cheat on his wife either. Stop it.

How about this: Don’t cheat…. period. Alone or with friends. In Vegas or LA. Famous or regular. Male or female.

The heart of the matter is this… Own your shit and protect others from its stink!

Looking… at the Front Door

Posted on by karyn deshields

  1. Check your phone
  2. Stalk you on social media to see whose booty pic you liked.
  3. Sneak watch you texting people.
  4. Give a DAMN about any of that.

That’s a list of what I’m NOT gon do!

So let’s be honest. Black men don’t cheat my ass… they cheat, women cheat, Indian transsexuals cheat, Tibetan polyamorous bisexuals cheat. People are imperfect. People are stupid. People are selfish. People are tempted and weak. But what won’t happen, is me looking for your cheating.

Nope.

The cliches are true…

What is done in the dark will come to light!

If you go looking for trouble, you’ll find it.

But if you got a job, a life, take care of your skin, and drink your own water, you don’t have time to concern yourself with the transgressions of other individuals who don’t respect or care about your feelings and who give up.

Cheating is giving up. A cheater is a quitter. Instead of dealing with issues that arise they take your relationships trade secrets outside of the relationship and with it their intimacy, insecurity, and infidelity. Flag on the play! Now if you choose to forgive and move forward with that person, cheers to you! However, cheating, that is a deal breaker over this way.

But looking at attractive women, talking about attractive women, sharing with their friends, communicating with their friends… it ain’t cheating. It’s not something I care to spend any time worrying about… because you can be sure I’m looking at these fine chocolate brothas, talking to my friends about these fine chocolate brothas, talking to my friends when I need to, and checking on ALL of my people. I have zero interest in cheating on anyone, but I’m neither blind nor dead and fine is fine… okay. Most importantly, I am secure in mine. If you wanna give up this 80 and go get that 20, go ahead. But numbers don’t lie… only men and women do.

I’m a fan of not just emotional intelligence but sexual intelligence. The sight of a beautiful woman should be something you look at, it’s aesthetically pleasing, and ABSOLUTELY healthy and normal. If you looked at me that way, chances are you see all these other fine ass girls too. Finding someone attractive and acting on that attraction are two entirely different things. The ability to do the former without engaging in the latter… a sign of sexual intelligence.

So follow Big Booty Judy on Instagram if you want… but have some fucking loyalty… if the sneakers she has on with those booty shorts are fire… show your girl. Keeping that kinda stuff from me will get you thank you nexted. All that other, I’m unconcerned with.

But go sharing the ole bait and tackle… that’s a one way ticket to Nopelandia and I live in Yestopia.

“I say it now like I said it before
I’m lookin’ at the front door” -Main Source