Sending your coochie through the phone

Ok so I am not calling ANYONE a ho… period. Your coochie, ultimately you do what you want with it. However, if you really want some semblance of a relationship you cannot serve yourself up like a T-bone, and expect the recipient of the meal to keep the bone after he is done. that’s now trash… it’s meatless, it’s dry, it’s pointless. So let’s stop hoping someone will take a bite by broadcasting ourselves as not just available, but ready, wide open, and STILL available. Sis put your phone down, binge watch a show, make a smoothie, stretch, window shop online, plan your next house project, read a book, look up some stocks, apply a face sheet mask, something… but stop sending your coochie through the phone. That ain’t the way.

Single folks get a bad rap… why you single, how are you single, what’s wrong with you, blah blah blah. The older you get the more intrusive snd ridiculous the inquiries and assumptions get. The game people play pitting married women against single women… is even more problematic and ridiculous. Be clear, the entire point is to be happy and successful… and there are many married women who are miserable. They have been cheated on, cheaters, lied to, liars, stolen from, disrespected, and chosen many times to stay with that loser because they’d rather be unhappy than single. All of that is their business, until they claim their married status makes them better or somehow in a better state than you because you are single. Nope. So I get the whole dilemma. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit and your coochie deserves better treatment than to be laid bare and unprotected as a lure for a man. Your coochie is lure for a man in panties, stockings, pants, and a full length coat. It’s like a worm to a fish… you ain’t gotta do nothing but have one. Then don’t let it be attached to someone dope and smart and loving… girl bye… you the whole prize. But you diminish that prize when you send your coochie through the phone. Don’t do it.

Plus it’s a whole pandemic. I get it, it’s highly entertaining scrolling through inbox messages and having conversations with folks from all walks of life interested in your wares… but trust me, The Undoing is more entertaining. Put your phone down. I also know that it can be a lonely time for folks who live alone. But folks carrying COVID in their pockets, so the most you can do safely is talk or engage on social media… and once you have pulled him with ur coochie he really isnt interested in your life story. So just be sure of what you want, and act accordingly. Cuz what you lead with is what you plead with… you can’t go asking for quality time and words of affirmation when you were only seemingly seeking horizontal attention and hinting at mouth massages at the outset.

See no matter how much Shawnee Easton tried to get Q to take her bait, he wanted Monica. She didn’t have to do anything but comb her hair and put on a dress and baby was banging. He stared a hole through her. She didn’t have to twerk on him, promise to “leave him satisfied” or otherwise make it known she was ready for whatever. She was who she was and that was enough…. say what, oh you are just being who you are too? Girl bye. Behavior and personal traits are not one in the same. Being easy isn’t a personality trait it’s a bad behavior. Stop. When we can identify why we are acting a certain way, whether it be insecurity, constant disappointment, fear of lack of control, etc. then our outward actions as a result are behaviors not personal qualities we are born with or nurtured into. Nope again. I guarantee, if you work on bring authentically you, the right guy will notice and come scoop you like the French Vanilla, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Deluxe treat that you are. I mean old boy is staring at her like she’s a milkshake… and you know what they say about milkshakes and boys.

Point is… mo matter what lies someone tells you or what mistruths they hide behind, no one wants to be alone. No one. So we all understand the desire to share your status so folks know you out here. But desperation and reckless availability is not whats up. A man that findeth a woman (cuz he had got to find a woman well before he finds a wife or anything else) findeth a good thing if she is a good woman… but that entails being a secure, confident, self-respecting woman. Now again, you can give your coochie to the masses and send it to the universe via rocketship if you desire… more power to you. But if what you’re really trying to effectuate is a great relationship with a great guy, chances are he has seen all the coochie grams you been sending through the phone. Great guys accept coochie grams too… but the probably won’t buy that you all Proverbs 31 too. I mean… I’m just saying… Don’t shoot the messenger.

The Dating Game

I get inspired by real life and in real life I’ve seen two conversations about dating that sparked my interest and my concern. These discussions were primarily happening among Black singles, and made me wonder if some of the confusion surrounding dating, “courting”, and commitment was part of the reason I know a good handful of extraordinary men and women who remain single. There seem to be so many different interpretations of what these rather simple terms really mean. Are we complicating these concepts too much, or is it like my good friend said… “interpretation is the whole problem.”

For a little insight, I have had a very varied love life. I’ve been married and in relationship with that man for many years, but no longer. I have cohabitated with men. I have been in long term committed relationships. I have also been with a few liars and cheats for short periods of time… cuz they were stupid. I am admittedly sensitive with my mates because I expect to be protected in that space in a way I am not outside of it day to day. Yet I am very self-sufficient, and looking for a partner, not a come up. What I am not is a dater. I have never had time for that. I am not going to spend any of my time with you besides a coffee date or two to talk about intentions (if you like to lay eyes and the phone is not your thing) if we are not on the same page. You gotta come to the parlor and sit and talk to me, play a hand of parcheesi, and state your purpose. If our purposes line up then we can go to a picture show. Period.

So what really is dating? The act of going on dates perhaps. A date according to good old Merriam-Webster is a social engagement between two people with a romantic character. One can go on a date to get to know a person, sit across from someone they find attractive, to share companionship, to get to know people and therefore what they like and don’t like, or to determine whether they are compatible enough to start a relationship. Only the latter if those options coincide with determining what your mutual intentions are… but since everyone has some intentions, each stage should IMO. The point at which it is determined that your goals match is the point at which healthy and transparent dating, courting, or commitment commences. If your goals just entail going on dates and don’t involve future plans, you are dating. Just dating. Once your outings have moved from just outings to purposeful engagements meant to solidify a commitment to one another, that’s courting. Dating can continue indefinitely or we can just randomly and inconsistently date. There is nothing random, inconsistent, or indefinite about commitment. That is an bona fide intention.

Most problems enter the picture when people fail to communicate, fail to believe the others intentions, or accept intentions that don’t meet their own. Some people love the spontaneity of the unplanned, but if you have work, responsibilities, and certainly children… that might not be your ministry. You need a plan. Communicate that. Don’t call me Friday to go out Saturday, we need to make plans, well in advance. Some people like to play things by ear. If that’s not you, speak up. I am dating to find a partner in marriage, what do you want? That conversation and statement of intent does not mean you will marry him or her, but you are each clear about the goal. The rest is up to compatibility, personality, behavior, traditions, emotional availability, etc., but the basic intentions have been set. You will either commit to that goal as time moves forward or not. But until you communicate them, both of you, it’s like floating in the water with your sail down… you don’t have any idea where you are going or where you will end up. And maybe that’s cool with you… maybe it’s not.

I believe most of us want to find someone to share our lives with… but a whole lot of us are not ready. If that’s your goal, perhaps readying yourself and not dating just for the hell of it, should be your first mission. The desire to be in a committed relationship won’t go away simply because you lack the resources and tools to make it work… you’ll convince yourself and some man or woman you don’t want that commitment and just emotionally injure yourself further and waste their time. Heal yourself until you can be a healthy partner, and then be honest about what you want and accept nothing less than that.

Whatever your intentions… make sure you are clear. Disappointment usually comes from having unmet expectations. You don’t have to wait in suspense for things to happen when you have clarity.

Now run along… there’s a gentleman caller in my parlor awaiting my grand entrance and my bustle needs fixing.

Pulling Numbers and Letters

So I’ve been told I must got the GCP. What’s the GCP you ask… well in the words of Jay Z and in the spirit of Don Magic Juan’s pimp challis, “my cup runneth over”

I hear it all the time…”who are you dating NOW!?!?” like I’ve got a wheel I spin to see who’s on my hit list this month. Or the ubiquitous, “You always got a (insert term for man: dude, boyfriend, whatever)” comment, that is so interesting to me. “Got” would imply in my vocabulary, something that one has on lock… yeah nope. I might be able to pull, as my one friend termed it “letters and numbers” (I’ll leave that for you to decipher), but dating is the pits. I personally despise it. Plus at this point, post 40 with kids as the custodial parent, there is no dating. Any outings or conversations, texts, or emoji sends are basically one long ass interview on how much you make me laugh, how long I can stand to be around you in one sitting, and whether you match at least three of my five must haves, that better quickly materialize into a relationship if you meet the requirements, or I gotta go.

Most of my first dates have morphed into relationships that last years. Instead of “dating”, I participate in the pull and catch; it really is self explanatory. There is a subtle art to the pull and the catch… and while I’m not interested in doing much more than expressing interest and then letting him find his good thing… cuz I’m a mf lady, I am involved in the process. Not that I’m an expert… but I pull a lot of As and Bs, and 9s to 7s. You can keep that 10 though, leave him for the chicks with time on their hands. He’s too pretty for how my life is set up.

The Art of the Pull

1. There is nothing sexier, in a man or a woman, than confidence. Period. When you know you are fine, he’ll know it and she’ll know it. Confidence is the art of aesthetic persuasion. Notice I didn’t speak of beauty, that’s too subjective a thing to use on humans. You need something foolproof.

Confidence is the reason she wore THAT dress, the one you hate and think she’s too whatever for, but that him, him, and her are staring at. Confidence is the reason she cut her hair the way she likes it, with no worries about what he thinks, or why he wears that combination of shirt, pants, and shoes that confuse you but your woman says “his outfit is NIIIICE!” Confidence is not bound by beauty, body type, color, or any subjective boundary… it’s an undeniable acceptance of how wonderfully made you are, despite whether you do or don’t fit into society’s ideals. And it’s 100% ownership in that acceptance. Get you sum.

2. If you are playing Bid Whist and you pass on your bid, and you knew you had 7 Uptown and the clowns next to you bid 6 Uptown -cue Aretha “Ain’t No Way”- how pissed will you be that you didn’t bet on yourself. You knew what you had and what you wanted, but you got scared of the win. Well, in dating, the win is the guy or girl you dream of, the one you know or don’t yet know who will check all your boxes. You have to bet on yourself when the opportunity presents itself, and speak on your wants. Now you don’t have to be full on direct, but if you are like me, you give an in. You leave the door ajar. You flirt, come hither, a little Happy Birthday Mr President… and then you go sit your cute ass down somewhere. If he’s in for the win, he’ll bet on himself, and complete the deal. If he’s not, he missed out. Cue the death of Pac-Man…

But always bet on you, know what you want, set a boundary, and then touch your boundary by going for the win. Shit, at least smile.

3. NO ONE LIKES REJECTION! Not women OR men. Just because men get rejected more, does not mean they enjoy it. C’mon, that’s ludicrous. So just like the thought makes you want to hide under a rock, it makes him want to hide in a cardboard fort. So, it is very important that you make sure he can see your open door… fellas too, women are shooting their shots out here these days. Its also important you clearly communicate with kindness your closed door. If you are involved, say so. If you aren’t interested for one reason or another, say so. If you simply are casing the joint and don’t yet know what you want, say that too. But whatever you message, make it clear. If one doesn’t have to guess what you want, but it’s clear, the more likely you’d get what you want! It’s a pull not a push.

The Art of the Catch

1. “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar”

Okay so one wants flies, but if you want anything, you get much closer to your goal by being positive, with smiles, with kindness, and with, well, honey. There’s a reason Pooh ate it by the jar full… shit was good and sweet! Likewise, being a bitch will get you nowhere. Only assholes, real assholes like bitches, they enjoy that game. But people tryna boss up and get this money …

… have no time for that game, cuz tryna figure out your bad attitude takes up time away from the grind. Once you have pulled, you have to be kind and open to the catch. And while we’ll eat cod, every one prefers fresh water fish over salt water fish. Be not salty or stank.

2. Ella Mai said it best :

“I put my feelings on safety
So I don’t go shootin’ where your heart be

All that extra special crazy, it took you five minutes to text me back, trippin for nothing, checking his phone, acting a damn fool is for the birds. Yes, KeKe Wyatt might have that bomb snapper, but again, that’s your typical saltwater variety. It’s sure to run your pressure up and increase your light bill. Let’s look at the quality of her choosers. The last dude was a preacher who left her while she was pregnant with their third child, after she raised two of his children, right… okay enough said. We want to be a quality catch just like we want quality fishermen. And you simply are not exhibiting quality behaviors when you are acting a fool. You have to remember what pulled dude… your confidence, self-love, high esteem, win-win-win-win attitude, and your kindness. Keep those factors at play the entire time. Put your weapons down and rely on your personal stock of personality and class to end up, hooked up with a quality dude. But you gotta be quality first.

3. So since I’ve earned my degree in letters and numbers… I think it’s safe to tell you, that the final test, the piece de resistance, the grand finale of the catch is the most important. Webbie had I-N-D-E-P-E-D-E-N-T what you know about me… and I’ve got C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y, that shit’s so fly! So they say women date & marry men hoping they will change, and men date & marry women hoping they’ll stay the same. Now I’m all for growth, but I don’t think you have to change who you are fundamentally to grow, you just get better. I’m with the fellas. We should be FIRST, ensuring we are dating people who we like and accept AS IS! At 40… they might not ever be anyone different than the person you see in front of you. Furthermore, we could stop sending our representative and just be who tf we are. Then be consistently that in word and deed. If I tell you I’m going to cook you dinner on Thursday, only an emergency out of my control would change that. If I say I’m going to be respectful of you, that’s what it is. I’ll even respect you and me enough, in the presence of your disrespect, not to stick around and bust your head to the white meat. In order for human beings to feel safe enough to be emotionally vulnerable and mentally free they must be in space that’s consistent, which is synonymous with peace. You won’t get chose if you bring chaos.

So you see, it’s that simple. And if you are doing all those things and he doesn’t respond, he’s not the one. Move on with grace and bitter-free. You put your feelings on safety so you wouldn’t black out on these dudes, and simultaneously dodged a bullet. See how the universe is always working with you. Now put on your sundress or those gray sweatpants and that beater, check yourself in the mirror, do the Blade Icewood dance, and go out here, boss up and pull letters and numbers, and soon you’ll be saying …”my phone won’t stop ringing!”

“It’s Mr. Lee Iacocoa
And I’m the mayor of the mitten
Ya’ll niggaz ain’t bossin up y’all bullshittin!” -Blade Icewood and G-Rock “Boy Would You”