healing

How do you spell relief…

Posted on by karyn deshields

Y’all remember that commercial!?

Well this ain’t about heartburn. But it fits.

A little bit about me before I get into it, I am pretty straight forward, no nonsense, ignorance and mess averse. I grew up in a house where you were encouraged to say what you felt with respect of course. I had a hard nosed Grandmother who said WHATEVER was on her mind and didn’t care about your feelings or if you took offense. If you had a Betty Lou, you know you learn very quickly how to not only respond to foolishness but stand up in your own imperfection and own it. I often wondered what her deal really was… I recall my Aunt, her sister, telling me once “Your Grandmother needs a psychiatrist. Never forget that or let her forget it.”

I later learned exactly what that meant. At the time I thought it was funny, but as I got older she was basically telling me that I wasn’t personally responsible for managing my Grandmother’s emotions and insecurities and nor did I have to act like they were not there or like she wasn’t in need of a long sit down in the couch of her choice. Seeking mental therapy was normalized for me in that moment. I remember hearing my mom and even my Grandfather saying things that let me know Nana was not to be allowed to infect us with her unhealed trauma… whatever trauma it was.

So I got with Nana!

I’m about to get with you!

Earlier this year my closest, dearest, and bestest friend got really ill after contracting COVID-19. She was put into an induced coma, intubated, and spent two weeks in the hospital. When she was released home, she spent a very long time inside of the house and clearly afraid to go outside. The virus and it’s affects on her had left her with an acute case of PTSD that she couldn’t seem to shake, even a few months after being home. We were talking at least once a day… and each conversation her outlook on her physical healing got more gloomy and added another day in the house at the beginning of summer. So like I do, I said to her, ” Hey you might wanna talk to someone because your body and your emotions are traumatized and neither will get better if you don’t move around and start to reestablishing your daily patterns.” I let her know I understood that she’d feel different… your body IS different! But she was still in charge of her own healing… she could talk out ways to integrate some necessary changes into her life to establish a new baseline. She said something like… yeah I know. But soon after she told me she had started therapy, and next thing I knew she was at a social distance, outside event, mask on, but healing in every way. To that I say… Bravo!!!!

Normalizing therapy is important!

Life is a series of experiences… lessons and learning opportunities. Some are like Hamilton, you get schooled while folks rap and dance in costume. Others are like Saw, you get tortured in the process, but if you make it through, you can survive anything. You don’t get to choose how you learn. I believe it depends on the severity of your lack and importance of the knowledge… the path to enlightenment is paved in karma and curses you gotta learn to hurdle over. Jackie Joyner-Kersee them jokers!

But these are not unique to you. Sure your particular set of experiences and how they manifested in your life are uniquely yours, but be clear… people get cheated on, abused both emotionally and otherwise, stolen from, tricked, played, hurt, manipulated, lied to, lied on, misunderstood, and mistreated daily. That isn’t your fault, that’s based on the mental illness of the perpetrator. But you are responsible for how you handle those experiences and whether you choose to heal from them. That is totally on you. You can’t ignore it, push it aside, joke your way through it, or put a mask on it and call it something else… because it will find it’s way back, it will deposit itself on your skin, in your pores, in your heart, in your liver. It’s that starvation, insecurity, overindulgence, inappropriate behavior, nonproductive overexertion, lack of discernment, and fake shit. It will leak out from any orifice. It will infiltrate every good thing and rot it until it stinks like that old meat Langston reminded us about. It will pool around you until you drown in it… unless you save yourself from it. It is trauma. It’s worse than the most aggressive cancer or the most vile killer. That shit there is toxic and you gotta fix it. Or it will fix you.

Trauma is like quicksand. You knew the ground had gotten softer but you didn’t walk around it, and it sucked you in. Eventually it started to fill your nose, airway, and eyes with sand.., your last vision, feeling, thought, sound stuck at that last moment your eyes witnessed. You reach out your hand, but you’ll just pull them in too. No one wants to go there who doesn’t have the tools to pull you out from stable ground. But it’s possible to save yourself. It requires you to put on your big girl panties or your big boy draws, pull em up, and DO YOUR WORK … c’mon Auntie Iyanla told y’all. And in the process you must seek help from people who know how to help you help yourself. Most of the people around you simply aren’t equipped to manage your emotions. It’s not their job or responsibility.

In all seriousness, I leave you with this, My favorite book is The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo and he always has the most sage advice. He once posted on Twitter, “To heal a wound you must stop scratching it.” Anyone who has healed knows exactly what you must do… change your thoughts. We focus on what is and has been wrong, keep peeking under the band aid, scratching at the scab, to just reopen the wound. Instead you have to DECIDE to do what is necessary to let it heal. For a physical wound it’s usually to leave it alone. For an emotional one it’s to bust it wide open, scoop out the bad insides, look at them, trash them, and concentrate on the present. Most times, to do that well, we need some help. Therapy comes in many forms. If couches ain’t for you, get some spiritual healing. If that ain’t your bag, try some crystals, reiki, whatever you need to do in order to learn the lessons, heed the word, and exist in a state of vainglorious.

You’ll be alright, just get yourself together and get some T-H-E-R-A-P-Y!

King Augustus the Strong

Posted on by karyn deshields

In 1967 Augustus II (Augustus the Strong) became the king of Poland. In the early 1700s, Chinese and Japanese porcelain was a highly sought after commodity, and as a result, Augustus hoarded it. He had over 20,000 pieces in what was called his Porcelain Palace. At one point, he was so obsessed with porcelain he imprisoned an alchemist to find the formula to make it. The young alchemist discovered the formula, allowing Augustus to open a porcelain factory. He considered it one if his greatest accomplishments.

…

On May 7, 2018, Queen Jada the Healer premiered Red Table Talk, an Internet show where individuals with issues, concerns, and problems could come air and talk them out along with her daughter and her mother. Topics such as addiction, misogyny, relationships, and sex were highlighted in the spirit of healing past experiences and trauma to be able to fully realize one’s ability to overcome their current day concerns. She often served as master healer during these conversations. Most poignantly so during a July 2018 interview with singer August Alsina, who she chronicles helping to overcome his addiction to opiates since 2014. He credited her with being the impetus to his recovery.

A lil backstory: August met the Smiths in 2015. He quickly became close friends with Jada, posting a lot of pics with her and her with him, on social media, sans Will Smith. At that time August was a 22-year old with a history of molestation, addiction in his immediate family, he had already lost one sibling, with no relationship to speak of with his father, and addicted to pain killers. At some point during that time, we now know, he and Jada Pickett-Smith engaged in a romantic relationship while she and husband Will Smith were “separated”. We also know Will and Jada stayed together, and in December of 2018 after the Red Table Talk, his sister died and August broke off the relationship with Jada and ceased all communication. End scene.

So last week he admitted, during a deeply personal and gut wrenching interview, that they had this once secret relationship. The interview and admission seemed cathartic for him, yet still emotionally raw. And immediately after the interview was posted, the innants BLEW UP! Talk about going up on a Tuesday… dude set it OFF! Black Twitter went nuts. And here’s the thing, this type of open marriage between Will and Jada had been hinted at before, this wasn’t shocking but dude had on a two toned suit and pink and orange hair and seemed SHOOK. Some folks took August’s side, understanding his need for healing from what looked like predatory behavior on her part. Other’s took the side of Jada, stating that marriage is hard and for two people to figure out, and if it was consensual and in the nature of Will and Jada’s relationship, August was little more than a snitch.

Then Jada admitted the entire thing… stating several times that being with the young man helped her heal to get back to a good place with Will… and I was all like “Hunh?!?” and “Hunh What?!?!” Will was sitting beside her looking part frustrated and part like he wanted to bust out crying. But mainly what I took from it is this… healing is Jada’s porcelain and August was her alchemist. He was understandably shook, and Jada, well…

…ain’t no such thing as half way crooks.

-Mobb Deep “Shook Ones”

Gaslight…

Gaslight…

Neon Light…

Stop Light

Listen, just be straight with me, okay. King Augustus has the Royal Scepter in his pants and ole girl just wanted to “feel good”…

… when she was having a hard time in her life. That’s it! That’s all! The End. Full Stop.

We all know marriage is hard, and being with any other person for over 20 years is a series of shifts and changes that are not always nice or pretty or feel good. One doesn’t have to be married or have ever been, to understand that. But one does not get to gaslight another person because you refuse to be accountable for your predatory actions in the name of healing… whatever it is you claim you are healing. That’s not promoting wholeness, it’s selfishness. That’s not a marital shift, it’s a lack of accountability. It’s inflicting more trauma on the traumatized. It’s wrong. It’s especially wrong when you have labeled yourself as and been accepted as a ally in preserving and championing mental health through healing past trauma and toxicity.

You not only a client, you the toxic President.

As for August, he is a victim. She was an old ass married woman with children his age, and she had an open opportunity to try out that monster, so she took it. The problem here is that she was a hound dressed up in a therapist’s clothing. He needed to feel loved, wanted, safe, protected… and in many ways she provided that experience. Then she took advantage of his weakness, cuz make no mistakes, any 22 year old with those kind of scars is still bleeding out profusely. She was never going to pick him, and in such a state as he was in, rejection was the last thing he needed. She had every right to salvage her marriage, but using him to scratch her itch just caused him more pain. She never took any accountability for that.

She is so obsessed with healing that she imprisoned August to find more if it. Sign of a true predator. He was so traumatized, he didn’t even know he was being held captive. Sign of a true victim.

A funny thing about victims… when they release their trauma they often heal. One is a snitch when they tell on someone else. He told on himself. That’s the whole idea of being involved in a love triangle… one person is usually the odd man out, and that person usually blows up the spot. But it’s their spot too! So if you share that married cougar coochie and it goes public, say nothing or tell the truth. No one cares what entanglements you and your dude engage in if that’s how y’all run your show, but understand that if you are being fake AF, that third party might divulge that he might have a King Cobra, but you the real snake.

And when these bustas try to knock you out your place

Hold on, and be strong

You stand there to they face

Tupac, “Hold on be Strong”

A Stale Mate

Posted on by karyn deshields

Do you throw milk away on the date on the carton. What’s the difference between the sell by date and an expiration date? If you continue to drink the milk, at what point will it make you sick? Do you wait until it stinks? In my experience, we don’t fuck with the milk past the date on the carton, regardless of whether it says sell by or use by. Why wait until it’s spoiled to find out…

So why do we keep people around longer than they are needed and useful? Why do we ignore the expiration dates on our relationships, especially those that are romantic in nature? Why do we wait until people literally stink up our lives, make us emotionally and spiritually sick, before we walk away?

People are complex organisms… our brains, our mental center, and our “heart” or more appropriately our souls, our spiritual center, are both very much guided by our emotions. We may KNOW something is the right choice but not FEEL like it is, and be at a standstill. Our mind and our soul might be delivering the same message, but our bodies start to physically long for what it is used to receiving from a mate, their touch or just presence. We have physical reactions based on our emotional experiences. We cry, we tremble, we feel physical pain and anguish… at the mere thought of letting them go. Like the milk, we don’t want to waste… money or time. But the cost of milk versus the cost of letting don’t compare to the cost of getting physically sick or being emotionally scarred and abused. Expiration dates aren’t written on people like milk, but yet we still know when that time has come. The trick is in letting go.

I once spent years, not consecutively, but years nonetheless, trying to make a relationship work, with this man. We looked good together, we were both successful, we seemed a good match. Yet, no matter how good things would be going, we’d come to a point where he would become what I later realized was emotionally abusive. As good of a match as we seemed to make in paper, he was severely insecure about my friendships, professional success, position, and intelligence. Years would go by and we would run into each other and fall back into old ways, spending time together. Yet the last time, once I was aware fully of what was happening, I no longer needed explanations, closure, or anything but to shelve his ass into someone else’s pantry. He was not healthy for me, he was past his expiration, and was spoiled AF. He probably had mold spores by this point. It was a wrap. Unlike anytime before, I had done the changing. I was so protective of my own peace and my self that I would not allow any stale mate to position himself on my already full plate. I need nourishment, and my food can touch. I didn’t need him ruining or taking any valuable time from the other parts of my life.

We often hold on to people in fear of them leaving an empty space we believe we might never refill. But trust me, other people who are looking for the type of relationship you have to offer are always present. You just have to be as well. Removing the unnecessary will make room for others. The act of being able to remove those who do you no good is not possible until you take inventory of what you allow to sit on your shelves, waiting to be picked up again, and purge everything that is not in service of making you better. It’s much easier to type it than to do it, but it can be done. If you have a new box of Crunch Berries and you both are calling each other’s names, but you still have spoiled milk in the fridge, you’ll never answer the call. That same carton of spoiled milk will flash in ur mind when you are grocery shopping, making you believe you don’t need a new fresh carton. It’ll have you dreaming of cookies and milk… but in reality it’s no cookies and shit for you. Get rid of everything that holds you back… spoiled milk and stale men, moldy bread and broads doing the most. It is easy, you just close that space in your life. Bust a MFin move!

We make excuses for people and our own behavior that keeps us locked in places not meant for us. In love relationships, uncertainty is always there. When we see someone as long term, and the terms don’t meet our expectations, the first time, we tend to make excuses for folks. Yet we carry that little bit of heartbreak through the span of the relationship until it has reached a point of no return💔. Then we reside in that heartbreak for months and years, never standing up and moving out of the muck to fresh ground. That first disrespectful comment will likely be followed by another. That first push or balled up fist will definitely be followed by another. That first other woman may either stay or go away when the newer one appears. Continuing in it is a choice. Letting go is a choice. We can still validate our feelings of disappointment, upset, heartbreak and simultaneously free ourselves from people who mean us no good, who won’t protect us, and who harm us mind, body, and soul. But you can also walk away the first time. They were ripe for the tossing at that point.

I don’t know much. But I’m sure that love is kind and patient. It’s not abusive, inconsistent, disrespectful, hateful, chaotic, or ever ever unsafe. It won’t play a hoax on your soul, trick your mind, or cause your body trauma. It won’t make you sick, and it’s not stale and definitely not spoiled. Love is always fresh and nourishing. Get you sum! And cut that zero…

The Transference of Trauma is being Televised

Posted on by karyn deshields

Oooooo y’all mad at Oprah and Gayle ain’t y’all.

A little perspective: Unhealed trauma infects everything that we do!

So here’s the thing… healing is a process. It has no beginning or end necessarily. Even after healing, most of us have to figure out how to process that healing. I’m not intending to minimize the importance of healing and the effects and experience of trauma in ANY way. I most certainly am not judging anyone’s healing process after suffering the horror of sexual abuse. I understand that after a series of recalling, avoiding, and reacting to the trauma one must make their way through:

1. Emotional Stabilization (finding safe spaces to express emotions to stabilize them to less reactionary behaviors);

2. Emotional Clarity (exploring the emotions attached to the trauma, full grieving any losses the trauma caused, and discovering and promoting how these emotions manifest positively) ; and

3. Self-Actualization (integrating the experiences and lessons learned from the trauma into ones life to create a new reality).

I also understand the value of healing. When we get stuck in the process of overcoming trauma, we tend to transfer our trauma response to some or all other area of our lives for protection. And for some of us… the transference of trauma will be televised.

Harpo

Oprah is an icon. She has used her platform to teach us and guide us spiritually. Oprah confessed in 1986 that she was sexually abused as a child. She filmed 217 shows about sexual abuse. She once had 200 men on her show who had been sexually abused, after she spoke with Tyler Perry about his own abuse. She interviewed Michael Jackson in 1993 right before the first allegations against him we’re made against him, and in 2019, she hosted the talk after the Neverland documentary titled After Neverland. She recently backed out of a Russell Simmons sexual assault documentary citing creative differences. Sexual abuse has permeated her journalism and continues to over 30 years later.

Her commentary in Leaving Neverland was telling. Oprah states this documentary, which won an Emmy and is currently in court proceedings, is bigger than and “transcends Michael Jackson.” She also says it’s producer Dan Reed successfully highlighted that “sexual abuse was not just abuse, but it was also sexual seduction.” She spoke in second person during much of the interview, which symbolizes both distancing and moving closer to the storyline. But it was clear whose side she was on. Similarly when she spoke about backing out of the Russell Simmons documentary she stated it was “ridiculous to think that I could be intimidated by Russell Simmons.” It all sounds deeply personally, so personal that it’s wrapped in bias. For her it was about the patterns of abuse, particularly seduction, that she likely recalls from her own childhood. Sexual abuse may use seduction, but it is all about power and control.

Her unhealed trauma is so prevalent, I’d venture to say it lends itself to both the reality of and backlash over Gayle King’s questioning of Lisa Leslie about Kobe Bryant’s rape allegations. Regardless of her connections or proximity to sexual assault, her questions were inappropriate (regardless of CBS and it’s editing) and…well worthy of backlash. Perhaps because of her closeness to Oprah, her behavior seems like an extension of Oprah’s noble, but unsuccessful, attempt to educate on sexual abuse. However, attaching a label onto men, particularly deceased Black men, who have not been found guilty of any wrongdoing, is steeped in historical racism. We have seen this play out again and again (Emmett Till, Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, etc.), where even Black male victims are demonized in the media. When we see this merit less attack done by other Black people… folks get real “cash me ousside”. This scenario is no different. Our reactions, however, should be to seek understanding and never to promote more abuse towards victims or their supporters.

Be easy.

Beyond Harpo

Comparativly we can look at Tyler Perry, who outlined his horrific and sadly consistent physical and sexual abuse as a child to none other than Oprah. He also spoke on that show about his no nonsense aunt being his only real defense against the abuse, his mother too fragile emotionally to protect him. Abusive relationships are often a focal point of Perry’s movies and shows. Women who are portrayed as needing men to overcome are often the main characters in his films. His strongest female characters were him in disguise. His male characters are deeply flawed and often abusive. They both feed off of extremely negative stereotypes about Black people, but ones that speak directly to his experience as a child. Tyler wants and takes sole responsibility and autonomy to tell and visualize these stories in a way that resonates with him. But he needs a writing room, a casting director, and a good wig person… stat!

Lack of healing is characterized by a very nuanced and troubled view of one’s self and others, paired with this desire to control the narrative from frame to frame. Healing negates the need for control, because it replaces fear with an ability to internalize and actualize what we’ve learned about ourselves. Oprah picks the project, picks the subject, produces it, and takes sole creative control of the narrative. Tyler Perry writes the story, creates the characters, casts the actors, and produces the film. Only someone who hasn’t fully mourned the loss of control that came from the abuse needs to guard his/her ability to be in control so tightly.

Most Black men and many Black women feel personally attacked by Oprah’s focus on Black men’s alleged aggressions toward White victims, but nothing of the scours of White men brought down by #MeToo. Many cite Harvey Weinstein because of his very consistent and notorious harassment, but there are also Matt Lauer, Louis CK, Kevin Spacey, and hosts of others. Oprah’s interjection of herself in only Black male cases read like her own public confrontations or exposures of the people who violated her… but they are not. The repeated interviews and shows won’t hold her Black male abusers accountable or heal her. We need fair, responsible, and balanced views to count as real information and not sensationalism.

The stories and information producers and journalists tell should all be done with a level of responsibility and integrity that minimizes the possibility of being offensive or selfish . The truth can be taken in and presented to the world, by a healed and self-actualized person in a way other than just a simple presentation of the trauma over and over. The men Oprah has attached her journalism to have been found guilty of nothing; there is no solid proof of any wrongdoing. Believing victims does not absolve us of finding truth, instead of presenting allegations as facts. She isn’t being honest if she fails to see that these kinds of amateur fact finding attempts are televised stonings. Criminal trials have rules these exposès are not held to. We try these people in an unfair hearing.

Bottom line, her 30 years of sexual abuse related journalism hasn’t moved or morphed into empowerment yet. A self-actualized victim of domestic abuse, for example, doesn’t just tell her story, but creates safe spaces for other women and seeks experiences that empower her and others by ceasing to let the trauma do the controlling and instead promoting the positive outcomes of healing. No matter the medium, a television show or a simple conversation, your newfound understanding and wisdom will shine through with sincerity and purpose.

If you are an adult, healing is your responsibility! Period. Until then…

You will not be free.
You will not live your best life like Lil Duval.
You will not be happy like Pharrell.
The transference of trauma will be televised sistas and brothas.
And… the trauma will be live.

Original : Meanwhile, the rest of us will not go Snoop Dogg in our head wrap, calling people bitches, defending druggie rapists, and inviting folks to an ass beating we might be too lightweight to dish out. This fool had women on dog leashes and idolizes a broke down pimp. He’s not exactly a pillar of the community. Never go Snoop Dogg.

Update: Snoop manned up and apologized to Gayle King. I see your growth playa. I am big enough to acknowledge that we all deserve the opportunity to be better!

November

Posted on by karyn deshields

“Tell me, whats your November? Is it a person?
Mine was the Summer ’06, I remember”-Tyler the Creator, November

You ever wanted to grow out your short style or fill in your struggle beard? If so, you know that growth is a slow and steady process… slower even when you watch it because you are inspecting yourself for changes at every moment. Wait… can I tuck it behind my ear? Ohhh shit , I think it’s long enough to put it in a ponytail! Wait a minute, that goatee and that sideburn had a meeting!!!

Well, that’s how most growth feels that you need. Slow and steady!

….

“…like that lil engine, I could!” -Meek Mill, Dreams & Nightmares

We live in the age of instant gratification. I want it all, and I want it now. And you can basically get all that shit on Amazon by 9pm with a Prime membership. All of it. But while you can probably find a book with everything in it from the the explanation behind the Big Bang to why Solange beat Jay-Z’s ass in the elevator… you can’t buy the key to personal growth, wisdom.

Wisdom is the use of knowledge to free oneself from the confines of ignorance to seek the truth. The key to personal growth is in the thinking and not the feeling. We often let our emotions take over, instead of being in control of our reactions and allowing ourselves both rational thought and appropriate emotionality. A wise person takes responsibility for your actions and reactions in the face of fear or the unknown.

“Seen my dreams unfold, nightmares come true“

The particulars of an experience are not important (to anyone but us), but it’s the typical dichotomy of good v not so good that prepares our space to grow.

fabulous woman/ dumb dude

great guy/foolish girl

security /jealousy

intelligent and overlooked/ stupid and privileged

I’ll give you the sun, the rain, the moon, the stars, and the mountains/oops I’m inconsistent

she’s like a sister or he’s like a brother /oops IT’S A GIRL 👶🏽

supportive friend/hater

It’s fucked up going through it and even more fucked up in the aftermath. The truth is that we intrinsically know we need to evolve and set ourselves up for that experience. So instead of pure emotion, we should be prepping ourselves. People show you who they are long before they hit you in the head with it. It is our baggage, that unhealed foolishness lingering around like a weight, that lets us believe we can change or manipulate or worse deserve someone no good for us. Similarly we enter experiences that scream:

I knew last November, that I was making a grave mistake. I mean I jumped into that sucka feet first plunging into the cold rough waters, and a negro CANNOT swim! I hadn’t unpacked and discarded the baggage I had from the last encounter with this demon… so I easily let him in when he knocked. But it was the typical rain, moon, stars shit when all that nigga had was a PlayStation 3 and a collection of Polo shirts. Once I knew that, I applied that knowledge and got the fuck outta Dodge. Trust yourself… was the lesson I learned. I unpacked that lesson, and then threw the whole suitcase away…there was nothing else in that experience worth salvaging. I was able to handle it, unlike how I handled most matters such as these, by keeping my emotions in check but not caged, and using common sense (those red horns) to ascertain that he was still a demon. They show you who they are…

“It was time to marry the game and I said…Yeah, I do“

You see, it’s that shit you leave hanging, the rotten fruit that hasn’t fallen from the tree yet, that’s baggage. And it’s untrue that baggage comes with the journey. You don’t start the journey until you unpack that shit, figure out what it is, if it still fits you, if you still have a place for it, putting it up, and pulling out the next item.

Why am I fabulous but dealing with a dumb ass? He can’t give you shit that doesn’t belong to him…Why did I bother? Why did I lower my standards, ignore my own needs, and dim my light for anyone, let alone a dimwit?

You sit and stew in that. Then figure out what about yourself you need to fix to pull yourself out and never do that shit again. That’s growth!

…oh shit, I got inches.

“If you want it you gotta see it with a clear-eyed view“

Once you grow your hair out or that full beard, then you have to style it, trim it, keep it neat and healthy. That’s the aftermath. The same is true for personal growth. On the other side of growth is redemption. So no more fuckboys, just good grown consistent, supportive, and men. No more silly broads, get you a grown woman. Don’t let any haters steal your joy, and be aware of when it’s time to move on and time to stay and fight. Mastery of the knowledge you have acquired will lead to wisdom, the rainbow. Wisdom comes from healing… sun. And that healing is made possible by pain… the rain.

One full rotation around the sun, after a summer full of rain, and it’s November again…

“Hold up wait a minute, y’all thought I was finished?”

Heal Thy Self

Posted on by karyn deshields

I posted that this morning on Facebook.

I am pretty cryptic on Facebook, because I’m very private and I might have something to say or have learned a lesson I believe is worth sharing, but that’s all I’m willing to share. But this time, I was asked to expound, by people who support and show love to me consistently. What an honor. So you stand tf up in your greatness and do what you do best. So just call me She Will Heal aka Poe-Etta the Human Go-Getta aka Sage StCroix. I’m on my Erykah Badu today. Headwrap and all. (Ok I washed my hair, it’s a towel…whatever).

….

On Sunday, I was faced with the realization that some people, no matter how hard they try, just don’t know how to love back. At least not in a consistent and dedicated manner, which is the only kind of love I am interested in. They may try, may think they are loving you, but really they are unhealed and projecting their scars onto you.

When you were young and free from the very real responsibilities of parenthood and adulthood, it was easier. Love just flowed from your heart like water. Fairly unscathed by and maybe just unaware of how our experiences would come to shape us. It isn’t until you can process those experiences that you fully understand their impact. Experiencing trauma in any form, especially as a child, is just your experience at the time. It’s not until the real damage the experiences have done hit you as you grow and mature, that the true trauma starts. When you haven’t gotten there yet, you are very free to live and love openly and freely and without fear. But when the trauma hits the fan… Fear!

They say life’s a bitch, well fear must be it’s pimp, because it is stifling, predatory, a mental and physical prison without chains, and controls every move you make and every step you take. It is the bastard of trauma. It robs you of your security, confidence, assurance, and awareness. It’s the little girl from the Bad Seed pushing you into the deep end when you can’t swim and into the fire to burn. And when you aren’t raised in love… it’s you. Slave to your fears and illegitimate child of your trauma.

So many of us try to love people who are still caught in the web of their painful experiences, struggling to get out, but without the proper tools or guidance to navigate that trauma. So we become, naturally, involved in it. Sometimes just as a supporter in their healing but other times as a self-sacrifice. It is the latter that robs us of our needs and wants and puts us center stage in full Joan of Arc character, ready to be burned at the stake. Instead we have to demand the other party rise up in their shit and walk in it… until they reach dry land. They must do their own work. And no you can’t walk behind with a pooper scooper, it’s their shit…. Do the work.

So I’m always ready to do the work. Whatever it entails. Do I need to do more of this and less of that to get the desired result for the team? Sure, no problem, gimme an hour. Do we need the best shovel money can by to dig up these experiences and face them head on? Where is the closest Home Depot? No Home Depot, get me a paperclip, the blade of a metal fan, a brick, two screws and bolts, and a broom handle. Call me MacGalver.

Likewise, any partner, friend, family member, must be ready as well. We each need to get a part time job in solving our collective problems. I’m willing to support in any way. But a person still stuck in trauma can’t give anything their all, and the only out from that is them deciding they are ready to roll up their sleeves and dig in. Acknowledging, processing, talking through, and ultimately healing from the very real things that they experienced. Shit, we all have something. We aren’t to blame for it happening but we are certainly responsible to heal it.

When you have unhealed trauma, you become that traumatic experience for others and self-sabotage in every realm of your life…

So your parent leaving you and not being present; being physically present but not emotionally available; their deception; drug use; ignoring how their new girlfriend or boyfriend looked at you with desire; or simply their failure to properly parent… is abandonment, and until you get to the bottom of that, you will fail to be present for others and will likewise abandon them. You will fail to finish the things you start. You will take on too much that you know you can’t complete, in fear of failure. Your inability to commit to everything will leave you alone, lonely, and unaccomplished.

Your chaotic home; lack of discipline; the failure of those around you to address and maintain boundaries; toxic behaviors; and any lack of organization, order, respect, and peace that you experienced growing up… is turmoil, and it manifests itself in your own chaos and toxicity. So you rob people of their peace. And you have no peace. You bring dysfunction with you into every space, and it lingers around you like smoke, debilitating anyone who comes into contact with you.

If you had to fend for yourself; every step you took was in the face of violence and unsafety; cuz mama had to have a life too you were changing diapers, making syrup sandwiches, and had a switchblade ready in case someone strange knocked at the door; or you just simply had to take care of yourself in hopes that you made it to the next morning…. that’s survival, and when it’s all you’ve known you only know how to hustle and protect yourself at all costs. Loving isn’t your game, and you likely play Russian Roulette with other people’s hearts to protect your own. You project your fears onto everything. You make other people nervous because you are overly aggressive, and yet you are timid in trying anything new.

Yet, when you grow up in love, a nurturing environment that teaches you your value and the value of the other people living in the world with you, that supports you, that protects you, and that imparts confidence and assurance that you can be anything you set your mind to… that’s love, and in turn you know how to support, respect, and honor others. To show love you have to have seen it. That love emanates from you like a light. Everyone sees it and they navigate towards you. Opportunity is at your every corner. Success is yours for the taking.

So again, the experience was out of your control… but the responsibility to heal from any hurt or pain you were left with is yours. Get your shovel, your tissues, unpack that baggage, get a therapist, open your mouth and your heart, and do your work. And vow that until you are healed properly, you will take extra care of those around you by acknowledging that you have limitations and giving them the option of rocking with you or not. Everybody isn’t equipped to deal with the vestiges of your trauma.

As for me, I’m navigating the situation. I am not a sacrificial lamb, but I will happily support someone I care about through their healing. But if you knocked on my door with your briefcase in hand, ready for the first day on the job I expect you to be ready to do what you say you are prepared to do. Because when I answered, I was suited up with my pearl studs on and my blouse perfectly starched. My lowest offer was at the top of the scale, and I promised you an office with a spectacular view. I am worth you doing your work, because I’m already ready to move us both to the next level. Get like me. I’m a healer. Now where is my sage…