Ambitions as a Rider

So I see this tomfoolishness on Instagram, and I’m triggered. Not because this is my life, I care about either of these people, or this somehow relates to me… but because it’s the DUMBEST shit ever! Snoop should stick to rapping, that show he has with Martha Stewart, and wearing fucked up hairstyles. He’s good at those things. He should stop trying to promote healthy relationships. This the same negro who was married but walking around with two hoes in dog collars and chains.

Beyond that… this is all one big HELL NO!
I don’t know who came up with the term ride or die, but clearly it was a wack ass dude who felt like his woman should be willing to suffer to be beside him. She should want to die rather than walk away from him. He would call her strong, his Queen, his secret weapon in exchange for her blind loyalty.

If the only two choices are riding and dying, I wanna sit this one out. Shit sounds like a set-up.

Ride or die chick fighting insecurities, want a ring and my last name for securities.” -J. Cole Sparks Will Fly

America has very poor messaging to young women and young men about patriarchy, feminism, marriage, relationships, and gender roles.

-Women should aspire to be wives.
-Men should aspire to be wealthy and have many women, including a wife to bear his children and/or groom him into a man.
-Women are told to be virtuous and pure while men are praised for sowing their wild oats.
-Men run things while women are in the background, taking their notes or making their coffee.
-Women are expected to be whatever her man needs, and men are expected, to just be men.
-Women who comply , or who ride or die, will receive the spoils.

Those messages are not just floating out in space. They have become a major part of the American code. These messages are reinforced in our homes, in church, in school, on television. They often result in women making choices that aren’t based in reality but in some false social construct.

Some women exchange a ring for their respect, honor, and dignity. They are asked to be less of themselves for the comfort of that man and comply just to be married. Other women stay in relationships that are wildly toxic in order not to be alone… and that toxicity can be everything from emotional abuse to physical violence. Still others give up their own dreams and desires to support a man, who will never return the support, leaving her vulnerable to his whims because she’s given up her independence. All are riding, and all dying a little bit, emotionally for sure.

So we have couples like Gucci and Keyshia. I mean of all the people and relationships to promote, this is what we are doing?!?

Dude had (still has) a huge ice cream cone tattooed on his face, a lean induced beer belly, and he was ashy as hell all the time. He meets her. Then he goes to jail and spends the bulk of their relationship there. She stays with him, despite his continued problems with the law, drug use, and according to the meme, cheating. She matured him, groomed him, and supported him. This is the ashy, drug addict cheater with dairy products inked permanently on his face that she sacrificed parts of herself for. Articles call her the living example of love being patient and kind. But who was being kind to her? She certainly wasn’t being kind to herself.

Why are women expected to put up with a man’s disrespect and dishonor for the hope they’ll one day get the best of him? Why was she not worthy of the best of him from jump!?!? She may be a rider, but did she die? Maybe a little. A woman should not have to suffer to be besides her mate. She should never have to sacrifice to the point of emotional distress. She should have bigger ambitions than being just some man’s comeuppance. Always the prize, but never the winner.

She was with wild Gucci, on drugs Gucci, cheating Gucci, in jail Gucci”

Yeah but WHY? She already was successful. She was an urban model, in videos, and had a successful beauty business when they met and started dating. He was ashy af. But somehow she decided to give him a chance… now we’ve seen it time and time again. These dudes who look like struggle and a lifetime of regrets end up with attractive women… because they are wealthy men. She was successful but she didn’t have a rapper’s wife lifestyle. So perhaps, and most likely that’s why she endured these betrayals. Money often inspires blind devotion. That blind devotion requires giving more of yourself that you can ever hope to receive in return. There is no price on self worth!

This is Gucci after therapy/rehabilitation… a street man groomed in his 30s”

He should have healed himself before he involved her and her children in his toxic lifestyle. Here is where the difference between a healed and unhealed person becomes evident… the healed individual will walk you around their shit, so you see it but you aren’t made responsible for it. Unhealed people want you to sit in their stink so you can take it on as yours and feel obligated to help them through it. He allegedly gave her two million to hold while he was in jail, where do you think she was going? Nowhere. But she was certainly double boiling in his bullshit!

“…this is a rider … you bitches is with the next nigga after a couple fights “

So we already talked about her riding.., she’s in an unmanned car being driven into oblivion. Where tf is she going? But you are damn right I might be with the next one… now it would take more than a couple of fights, but if women are expected to put up with a man who is immature, addicted, in jail, inconsistent, and unfaithful, then call me uninterested. I’m not riding to my death. Period.

Everyone wants this”

Nah fam. Everyone does not. I can wear white to a house party. I can put on a pearl headband to go to the grocery store. Give me a man with millions and you can be sure I won’t waste a dime of it having some elaborate party for television, to show people why I ride so hard for dude. But I won’t be playing Build-A-Man… especially with an ashy dude with 31 Flavors on his face that can’t stay out of jail or other women as my base. I’m sure she has finally gotten the best of him, but at what cost?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a rider all of my life. But I’ve also died a little in my spirit dealing with people who were just passengers while I drove us to the finish line. I’ve resurrected those parts of myself. At this point, no other human gets to dictate my path, so I’m no longer just riding. Beyond that, if we lose, we losing together and if we win, we’re winning together. So move over, I’m driving too… you do some riding. But no dying happens on my watch. I got ambitions.

“…now you got me right besides ya. Hoping you listen, I catch you paying attention to my ambitions as a rider“-Tupac Ambitionz as a Ridah

Down for You Always

Y’all have all heard it before, the “marriage is just a piece of paper” argument. Recently some friends of mine engaged in a FB debate about the value of marriage and its standing… is it “just a piece of paper” or not!?

Well clearly it is not… but like usual that discussion led me down a slightly different path! The idea that marriage is the ultimate relationship status disturbs me a bit. Marriage can be great, but it can also be a cave of contempt, a cautionary tale in making choices because they are socially acceptable and not personally fulfilling. Marriage is not the only valid relationship status, just as “husband” or “wife” are not the only valid relationship titles. In fact, I think titles are dumb…

Whether a marriage or a lifelong partnership… both people entering with intention and purpose is what gives either entity it’s strength. If you desire a God centric union, of course marriage is your desired mechanism. But if we remove spirituality simply for the sake of understanding both parties commitment alone, we see that intentionally putting our relationship first, learning how to build a better and more successful relationship over time, and being purposeful in our conscious plan for our relationship is necessary regardless of the status you desire.

In the words of Tupac…”are you still down?”

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Roughly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. There ultimate reason for that unfortunate data, in my mind, is because people have this false notion that marriage solves relationship issues and it is going to somehow super glue you and your mate at the hip.

All wrong!

Marriage is a legal and emotional partnership between two people to act and be treated as a unit under the law. That legal and emotional commitment are the two things that make ending a marital partnership more difficult. Some people enter into pre-nuptial agreements to remove the legal bind, leaving just the emotional connection to contend with. However, someone not very emotionally connected to you in the first place, or a relationship built upon lies, deceit, infidelity, etc will easily break. Furthermore, emotions are fleeting, they come and go, dip and bob… and they are not a wholly reliable source of commitment. So marriage is not some magic fix or super cement to fix whatever ails your pre-marital relationship.

People often argue that the legal confines of marriage make it a more desirable status than a partnership. However the same legal mechanisms available in marriage are available to any two people who want to form a unit. Where marriage makes some legal designations automatically, none of them can’t be done through other legal means. Two people who seek to partner with intent, will ensure the strength of that partnership both personally and publicly.

I have been married before, and despite what you have read, I want and plan to be married again. Most people assume I’m anti-marriage. I’m not. I’m anti-bullshit.

I desire a spiritual union that is supported by the love of God. I also plan to build a life with my mate that is abundantly fiscally successful and a union where the legal mechanisms are already in place just makes sense for us. But I don’t see our growing partnership as somehow lessened or missing something because we aren’t yet married. We are committed to ensuring that each of us reaches the realization of self-completion. We intentionally plan and set goals to move us towards that purpose. Our unit is doomed if we cannot first self-commit enough to assist the other party in their individual growth before we take that next step. Your wedding day is just the day you profess your love publicly, the days before that determine how well you have prepared to support that unit and the days after determine how strong that unit will continue to be.

I am not interested in being married for image or because someone else, anyone else, has deemed it the proper way to be in relationship with another person.

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Historically, women have been brainwashed to believe we should aspire to be wives over everything else, and some of us who are married place ourselves in higher regard or esteem than those people who choose a different relationship platform. “Being a wife” is your own choice. Someone else’s status, whether by choice or by circumstance, it is still ultimately up to that woman. But whatever the case, she isn’t somehow in a lesser position than you.

Just this morning I saw a post about KeKe Wyatt, the singer who has like 10 kids and was recently left by her husband while she was pregnant, stabbed her mate prior, and is now married again. One women on the post commented, “what am I doing wrong” in response to her seemingly quick remarriage.

NOTHING… at least not in this context!!!!

Now KeKe can sing… but she is surely not an example of a woman one should aspire to be like simply because she is married. In fact, your husband left you while you were pregnant… I’m gonna take a wild guess and say therapy and not marriage might have been a better option. But the notion that married women are somehow doing things “right” simply by virtue of being married… that’s that bull!

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Before I go any further, I want to just share my ultimate disgust with the title “shacking up”.

We should be:

Exercising

Binge Watching Wentworth

Exfoliating

Moisturizing

Drinking Water

Taking Naps

And MINDING OUR OWN BUSINESS

In whatever order you desire, but worrying about what other adults do, that is between the two of them… and includes no violence, harm to children, or odd shit with pets … behind the locked doors where they pay the mortgage… should never be on that list.

We don’t care when folks get a roommate to go half on the rent, but for some reason we take offense when two folks go half on a bed and decide to share their space in a love partnership. My take: it’s to somehow give credence to the decision you made to marry … or your ultimate decision to marry. And if you are choosing to use the Bible as your source,

“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4. 

unless you were pure before you got married… FULL STOP!

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Marriage is more than a piece of paper… the paper is just the document that solidifies the legal bond between the two people who choose to become a unit. However, unless you are living as a bible purist… and I don’t personally know any… then someone else’s decision to make a different relationship decision doesn’t give you some advantage in the relationship hierarchy. We shouldn’t have to shit on someone else’s choices to validate our own. Your husband to his hubby, your wife to her partner… are all just the same side of a different coin. The choice to love someone and be committed to loving them and supporting them in becoming their best possible self… is a selfless choice, a choice that mimics God’s love. Who are any of us to negate the value of that commitment…

If everyday you are making the choice to be loving, committed, intentional, and purposeful in your marriage or your partnership… you are saying to you mate and the world…

I WANNA BE DOWN!