#HimToo

So my mind was blown…

I read this post I saw on FB, and I had to copy it and share it, because until the moment I read it, I didn’t think about it in the same way…

So, let me expound and give you some food for thought.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know men are sexually violated (read: raped [cuz what we not gon do is sugar coat, ever]), because believe me I did. It was that I had never compounded the MULTITUDE of stories I had heard from boyfriends, husband, and male friends who had admitted that their first sexual experience was typically below age 16, and the women were usually considerably older. The babysitter, the cousin’s friend, the sister’s friend, Auntie Peaches who did their mom’s hair, or Cousin Kiki, who wasn’t really their cousin… just HAR-lots (pronounced HAR-lots, just like it looks) who thought giving a young boy a piece of that dilapidated trim was cute and a good idea because…

Ain’t shit cute about raping kids. Period! Nasty cows. When I think about it, all I can envision is that unfortunate woman in Antwone Fisher…

Anyhow… after it dawned on me how valid this image was… I had a thought.

We socialize boys so much different than we do girls, especially sexually and especially in the Black community. Boys from a very young age have uncles and cousins, hell fathers, who teach them that the higher their body count, the more of a man they are. They watch their male relatives and friends of the family interact inappropriately with young girls… they are encouraged to dispose of their virginity like it’s a disease. While girls are taught to keep the nickel between their knees and not to open their legs until marriage. But who do they think these boys are going to be sexing?

The truth is that, we set boys up for failure by negating the worth of their bodies. Girls bodies are held up as prizes, prizes of prey by many men and prizes of pulchritude in general. While that has its own set of issues, the failure to even give worthiness to boys bodies sets them up to give them away like hand me downs. When we add to that, being violated by older women, we set in motion a series of events that lead many of them down a road of toxic masculinity, misogyny, and promiscuity that is hard for them to break.

When you steal a child’s innocence, you also put cracks in their spirit. Any young boy whose body is used as entertainment is likely to harbor some hatred for his abuser. That abuse gets passed off, from all the messaging coming at him, as acceptable. While the abuser becomes the poster child for everyone she looks like, willing to prostitute herself for the novelty of being some little boys first… better known as worthlessness! So girls and women become devoid of worth in his mind. Women exist for sex … that is how he’s been conditioned.

The truth of the matter is that… we have to, we must…call out this dysfunction for the culture. If we want men to celebrate Black women and Black women to honor Black men, we have to start teaching our children that they are ALL prizes to be treated with respect and dignity, and boys bodies are just as revered and special as girls bodies. Each one a treasure!

Otherwise, we will continue to raise young men who don’t value themselves and therefore cannot and do not value anyone else. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Speaking of which… I just came across this quote by rapper ASAP Rocky in the latest Esquire magazine…

“My first orgy was when I was in seventh grade. Thirteen years oldThe first time was in this apartment building. We took the elevator to the roof, and everybody put their coats on the ground. There were like five girls and ten guys, and we all just took turns.” -ASAP Rocky in Esquire

WITEF?!?!? Thirteen year old boys should not be having orgies… We have gots to do better my people! #himtoo #metoo #wetoo

Sexual abuse and sexual trauma sets the course for victims to become abusers. The sex talk with boys has to be more than use a condom. We need to be instilling the same values about the worth and importance of his temple to him as we do to her. Anything else is irresponsible, and setting our boys up for failure and a mighty disastrous fall!

Antwone Fisher: “I’m still standing! I’m still strong! And I always will be!”

Better Grab a Seat

This is personal, but I feel like I need to purge it… so here I go…

“Fuck niggas, get money”

Yep, that’s right.

Cuz these dudes be on some real fuckboy shit. And they

FORTY…

and above! Yep, 40. Four zero. Ten four times, 40 rotations around the sun. 14,610 Days if we count leap years. A decade less than HALF A CENTURY!

I mean I need somebody to help me out. How are you still insecure, ego-driven, lacking confidence, worried about dumb shit, still tryna screw raggedy broads, and sending unsolicited photos of your junk?!?!? Dude? Grow up… or don’t, but don’t fake the funk with me because you have gotten in practice lying to kick it with grown women.

Just stop!

I’m out here hustling, drinking a gallon of water a day so I have no time for foolishness or drama cuz I’m on the toilet, and taking care of everybody. Yep, saving the world. And you are being stupid, noncommittal, emotionally unintelligent, and silent. Who raised you? Who hurt you? Who didn’t hug you enough? And could you get some therapy for all of that before you grow a beard and cut all the strings from that 2 for $199 suit from Men’s Warehouse… that makes you look grown and matches that good shit you were talking, that upon later inspection was a Audre Lorde quote.

Please don’t misunderstand gentlemen, we ladies are aware that there are a lot of males in men’s clothing… unfortunately they have been studying your moves and got you down to a science at the audition and even at the screen testing, but they can’t perform. Suddenly they are unable to commit to the role, forget their lines, and forgot they had made other plans they simply cannot break. But we are tired of having our time wasted. At 20 it was cute. At 30 we figured they were about to grow out of it, but at this point it’s reached a level of fuckery we can’t entertain, and we want a Russell in our future.

We aren’t fully blaming males though, we have some fault. They say people show you who they are, and it usually happens earlier than we walk away. If we want the promise then we have to be faithful to it, and bust up as soon as we see that what we have is a boy not yet a man, despite the gray in his beard. It’s BEEN time to level up. But no time like the present.

Grown men at 40 are very different from 40 year old males.

Grown men can cook a meal.

Grown men aren’t waiting on a woman to take care of them, but know they too are here to take care of others.

Grown men are financially and otherwise stable or at least have a plan that they are working towards for financial stability… a plan they can verbalize with deadlines and action plans.

Grown men don’t entertain a woman beyond casual dating who he isn’t interested in something greater with, and if he is on any other page he is going to verbalize that clearly.

Grown men are emotionally available.

Grown men take care of their kids.

Grown men don’t waste women’s time.

Grown men don’t practice ghosting, silent treatment, dishonesty, or fucking foolishness.

There is no need… state your business and find someone on the same page. It’s simple.

So if you are a Future… go find you someone who likes the idea of needing Google translate on language : “dumb shit” to understand you. They are out there. But this play is on Broadway, it’s not the chitlin circuit, and only Russells need apply.

Meanwhile, we’ll be over here moisturizing, stacking these coins, and minding our business until a man shows his face. We have an example to show to our children, and we need strong partnerships as the backbone of the Black community, to ensure we continue to grow and get better. Otherwise, we are spreading toxicity and dysfunction around like peanut better and there is no jam…no perfect verse over a tight beat. So get it together!

This lesson has been brought to you by the letters J and M, and is…

“Just a lil somethin’, to let you [mofos] know”

If They Say Why

Men aren’t from Mars.

Women aren’t from Venus.

But we sure are very different.

Some people attribute it to nature, others nurture, and some to having innies and outties… but how about this take:

Research has shown men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different cognitively and emotionally. For example… men have greater skill in spatial and visual relationships between objects and women have better verbal and memory skills. Women have better fine motor coordination and can compare and contrast better than men. Men, on the other hand are better at angles, movement, and gross motor skills. Since women’s brain hemispheres communicate faster and more often than men, women tend to recall and experience even basic things through a more emotional lens, where men are better able to compartmentalize. It’s no surprise then that women suffer more from depression and anxiety, based on more relational experiences…. and men more likely to be schizophrenic, addicts, or on the autism spectrum.(1)

So in keeping with that theory, men are taught to be strong and hard-working and to provide and protect. It’s simply an extension of being more aware of space and place. Since I like a very masculine man, I’ve always been surrounded by men with their head on constant swivel! They run faster. They react faster physically. They are aware of space and place, more focused on what IS than the feel of it… this is natural. Men aren’t unemotional or cold necessarily, they are just more rational. Emotion has its place. Men are better at pool, angles are exact, it’s not about feeling. Men are simply better at independent tasks, and tend to think in more independent terms.

Whereas women are taught to take care of people, including themselves, hone relationships, and communicate. Little girls never stop talking or asking questions by nature. Women seek out at least a few key relationships in every experience they find themselves in, as a way to relate. Women are also naturally interested in taking care of people and their feelings…but based off of all the senses. Cooking, sewing, crafting, and heck, taking the perfect selfie lol, are all examples of how those fine motor skills are used in service of communicating our care and establishing memories. We are naturally inquisitive and use our words. In gender biased environments those things are looked down upon, but in places where gender equality is practiced, our unique differences from men are celebrated. Having an opinion is never a bad thing! Being emotionally intelligent is a wonderful thing. These traits are not unique to women, but they come easier to women naturally!

If you know me, you know I’m a proud woman, a proud Black Woman to be exact. I have been raised by equally proud Black Women. I love men. I am a proponent of men who walk different, talk different, move different, and look different … we are supposed to compliment one another, not mimic each other. No offense to LeBron and his Thom Browne bag, but I want to carry the better handbag. We can’t swap Capri pants like Gabby and Dwayne. Grooming is fine, but primping is out… and it ain’t easy. Our different movement is what makes us fit. He watches our moves, like chess. I watch our fit, like a puzzle. His outtie, when connected to his brain, points him in the proper direction, towards me… and my innie invites him home. Deep… lol.

But seriously, in the grand scheme of things, our differences, these physical and biological differences, when experienced in equity, are God’s plan. I CAN do anything he can do, and vice versa… but that is not the logical and efficient order of things.

So sir, when you are questioning why you don’t understand women and ma’am, you are thinking it’s time to hang it up and just be a spinster with cats… remember that our differences are innate and we must explore and get to know each other with that in mind…

Or as the late and great Michael Jackson would say…”tell em that it’s human nature!”

(1) Stanford Medicine. https://stanmed.stanford.edu/2017spring/how-mens-and-womens-brains-are-different.html