So last year I broke up a lengthy relationship because he was just stupid. Any person who is equipped with intelligence but refuses to use it, is stupid… and dangerous… so there’s that. Randomly, his mother called me out of concern. My gut instinct was to tell her, I always liked you, but fuck him. Dude was essentially dead to me. I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire or speak to him if he was standing looking me in the face.
“I’m much too full of resentment.” -Beyoncé, Resentment
But a thing happened when she called…
So often, when we are hurt, disappointed, betrayed by someone … we can release them as a person we expected to grow with, love, be loved by… but still be affected by the emotional trauma their actions caused. Being blindsided with chaos, for a peaceful person, is absolutely traumatic. It puts you out in the wild, with lions and tigers and bears, that can bring on mental health issues and stress that you weren’t prepared for. You are over the person, but not over the mistreatment and the effect that had on your life. I was there when this call came. And interestingly enough, hearing from her and the things she said, let me know in an instant, his behavior wasn’t about me. It was about his lack. I was good, manifesting success, and dude was down bad. And while what he did affected me, I was like the guy on the sidewalk when a car hits a tree… just a casualty. And fuck being a casualty to his stupidity.
It released me. Almost immediately!
So as she was telling me her concerns about him, I was able to give her what she needed… insight… to help him. Cuz this nigga needs help. I impressed upon her that I was unable in any way to assist him, as our underlying friendship was ruined by his stupid choices. But that as someone’s mother, I could understand her concern and would deliver her, at the most, the information I had. So I did. And many times during, I repeated how stupid and how completely wiped clean of this clown I was… but I still helped this fool.
The concept of radical acceptance is that we should allow ourselves to feel without judgment while we accept the fact that whatever happened had no alternative ending. Inherit in radical acceptance is forgiveness, which is letting go of the hope or expectation that things should have happened differently. When we remember that the premise behind take nothing personally is the idea that people’s behavior is a manifestation of their own issues and has nothing to do with you, we can more quickly resolve the hurt feelings that may come from their behaviors. We can release the personal questions we often ask ourselves that make us feel worse. Just feel that initial disappointment and move on. In that moment, I radically accepted. It allows you to help fools, but more importantly, it allows you to be yourself without hesitation or walls or the burden of past hurt.
After all it’s him, not me, that …”ha[s] to live with the fact I did you wrong forever!” -Jay-Z, Song Cry