West Side of the Story

I posted a question on FB …

“If people told their side of the story… how would your rep hold up?”

Of course the responses were… hate me or love me, imma be me. I get it, but the question is a tad more multi-layered than how people experience you, but more about how much of your truth you are living. My guess is this… most people are hiding from some of their truth, not all, but most. Those of us who have grown and matured realize hiding any part of ourselves will never lead to growth and getting better.

I’m a good person. I believe in the power of love, the action of it, and I surround myself with people who I think are good as well because I desire to be as good to people as possible. I’m smart, creative, passionate, and a SuperFriend, but

  • I’m in the Legion of Doom… I avoid and cut off people who are toxic or no good for me, when I discover it, because I can be a grudge holder and vengeful and I don’t desire to do wrong by people no matter how much they have wronged me. I’m still working on that.

Vengeance is mine said the Lord. Vengeance is mine said the Lord… I often say that like Hail Marys when I am reminded of some fuckshit someone did and the brilliant and fascinating ways I can make them pay.

  • I’m not a people person, so I have a tendency to not notice people, at all.
  • I’m opinionated… often too much so.
  • I’m a bit judgey… I do keep it to myself. But it’s there behind the scenes.
  • I’m sensitive. I’m not good with criticism.

You can’t tell me or anyone anything about myself I don’t acknowledge. So my reputation wouldn’t change, and yes it matters to me as far as how the people I do care about. So ask yourself, if those people you want to keep around knew how you were out here treating others or what you were representing to others , if their side of the story was broadcast … would you still have a team?!? What would they think of you?

….

Let me help.

-You ain’t about love if you are a bully

I don’t fuck with bullies. You are a major fraud if you are out here preaching about love and in the shadows you are being the Gooch. Nobody ever saw the Gooch. Nobody but the victims see a bully trying to front like an empath. So in effect, you are t only trying to silently torture them, you are torturing them to silence. Just wear brass knuckles and cut your hair like Drago, be out with your aggression, if you are aggressive. But that’s just it, bullies are cowards. They only prey on people they assume are weak in that one spot they keep poking. Playing on the victims tenderness and bruises.

If people told their side of the story… how would your rep hold up?

If people knew you were a bully, they’d question all that love you throw around like confetti. Gucci, you don’t love me!

-Real support can not be built upon a desire to own stock in someone

Don King was a supreme opportunist. He found Mile Tyson after Bustamante died, when he needed guidance and a friend and support. He promised him the world to find ways to take from him. He wanted to own stock in Mike Tyson, not support him. Likewise, if you are out here heaping empty promises at the feet of those in need or even extending yourself to people simply to possess them, whether for your own comfort or for your own use and manipulation, that’s foul. Other people are not commodities. Go buy a dog if you are lonely, journal, go out and make some friends… but don’t offer your support for personal gain. That’s not support, it’s a contract. People who really need and desire support will be left broken and feeling used because of your lack of humanity or your lack of attention. Own your own masters, and master your fate. Leave people alone if you arent going to be genuine.

If people told their side of the story… how would your rep hold up?

If people knew your support came with selfish motives, they wouldn’t trust you or the horse you rode in on.

-Anything you feel the need to scream from the mountaintop when you in the valley is likely not real

Thou dost protest too much. I used to know this guy who told everyone he was a model. He literally said it to me multiple times in each conversation we had… and when I finally asked him who he modeled for, what agency he belonged to, he couldn’t. He was perpetrating a fraud. Look, we know you are telling untruths, and it’s highly unnecessary. We can tell that your paychecks don’t match your profession. You can’t buy reality with misrepresentation. It just doesn’t work. Instead, you should focus on admitting your truth to yourself first, because it’s often not for everyone else, but it’s you that you are trying to convince you are happy, successful, living a fairytale or whatever. That dream world you are creating won’t stop the nightmares. Live your truth, face your reality, and heal from it. Folks that are your people will love you whether you are up or down, and will be willing to lift you when you start to fall… but they can only do that if you are honest.

If people told their side of the story… how would your rep hold up?

If people knew you were selling wolf tickets, they would probably be afraid they’d be the one to get bit.

-Textbook insecurity is when everything you find pleasing is opposite yourself

Insecurity is a disease of irony. It often manifests itself as the very thing one is not. He big ups himself as sport. He has to tell everyone how good looking he is, how successful he is, how connected he is, how fantastically wonderful popular and dynamic he is… all the time. He compliments himself so much, no one else needs to or wants to. It’s overkill. It’s ridiculous. And at the same time he’s over critical. When you are insecure, you turn those negative thoughts you have about yourself into negative actions. Actions you might not register as negative like distancing yourself, overreacting, confrontation, and being foul AF! Someone who is insecure often turns their negative actions on their head as self-protection, assertiveness, and truth telling. But the rest of us all know that’s bullshit! It’s not what they demonize that is the issue… it’s what they celebrate that tells you the real truth behind their low sense of self. They demonize folks for no good reason, to appear strong and self-secure. They highlight themselves as a distraction, while their true feelings are evident by who they celebrate outside of themselves… often their polar opposite.

If people told their side of the story… how would your rep hold up?

If people knew that your idea of being honest, assertive, and confident meant being foul and negative to other people who share the traits you despise about yourself, they’d see those commonalities as potential target practice.

….

None of us are 100% anything… humans lack perfection, it gives us something to grow towards. Anything not growing is dead. All that we are good is met with things not so good that we can work on to become better. But being honest about those things, to ourselves and to others, is necessary if we are to maintain relationships. Someone is experiencing us as we really are, and if that person exposed you, would the people who care about you experience you the same or see you different. If you are living your truth, the folks who know you, will know!

The Black Sheep

In the love and relationships, disrespect and jealousy related offenses are especially heinous in real life. My ability to cut you off and move on are unprecedented AF! This is my story…

I have never been a big fan of too many people… could be because my family was small and I was an only child and only grandchild on my mother’s side of the family. I was estranged from my father, so I got all the attention and love I needed in a very small circle. As a result, I have always kept my circles small. Plus, I don’t eat bad apples, and it’s easier to see a bad apple in a smaller bushel! But every now and then…

For the most part, I have maintained long term friendships and relationships. My good girlfriends are really my sistafriends. I have a boonapolis (Greek for bestie, main thang, number one boo) and day one’s, and we go back like bangs at Disneyworld in July. So too have been my relationships with men. Two of my longest relationships have spanned over almost half of my life. One, I was married to and the other I was off and on with for a decade, now permanently off. Fuck him. Anyway… you get the point. I commit, to a very small group of people. My loyalty runs deep.

But lately, folks have been trying me. I have had to euthanize some friendships and a relationship… fuck him… (oh I said that already lol) and since I know now that adversity usually comes with a big life lesson, I’m gonna share this lesson with you. Perhaps you will avoid it by learning it in the here and now. It’s double-layered.

“Who’s the black sheep, what’s the black sheep? Know not who I am, or when I’m coming, so you sleep. Wasn’t in my realm, or wasn’t in your sphere. Knew not who I was but listen here…”

1. People ain’t you!

People show you who they are. We each have a story, and while we are so busy sharing ours we forget to listen to the other person’s. I know if you listen to mine, that you will hear that: I can be centered on self; I am not overtly friendly or extroverted in spaces I have never been; I am selectively sensitive; I talk a lot of shit; I don’t tolerate ignorance or disloyalty; and I’m a fighter for me and mine. Those things aren’t inherently negative, but they might not fit in your world. You won’t know if you don’t listen.

My actions and temperament, ability to forgive, attitude, disposition, values, and traditions are all a function of where I come from, not in the geographical sense but emotionally and relationally. (Well maybe geographically too… I’m from Detroit. We different.) Who influenced me, and what was that influence. Did people mistreat me, and how did I recover from that? But that’s just ME! Other folks are not me. They don’t share my story. They come from a distinctly different set of emotional and relational truths. You won’t know who they are if you don’t listen. But be clear, they are not you!

2. No one owes you SHIT!

You don’t have to be bothered with people who malign your character, are disloyal, disrespectful, hateful, haters, or otherwise just bad for your personal business. That choice is yours. But no one is indebted to you in kindness or compassion, in fairness or loyalty, in friendship or loveship. People get to choose how fucked up or on the up and up they want to be. Their judgement day will come, but no matter what you think you can do about it… nothing you can do can change who they choose to be. Nothing!

Lemme say that again…

No one owes you kindness.

No one owes you compassion.

No one owes you fairness.

No one owes you loyalty.

No one owes you shit.

Trust that people are going to be who they are… that’s their own story! You decide how long , how far, and how much… if at all… you are going to swim in the sea of fucked up, selfish, bitter, resentful, negative, or otherwise unGodly people. That is your story. There is only one you…

the violet in a garden of roses;

the God MC in a group of mumble rappers;

a spelling bee champ amongst those stuck on the first reader;

unique superheroes and mermaids in an imagination dominated by the typical;

a Black Sheep …

“And you can’t beat that with a bat!”

Stocks and Bonds: P/E Ratios

I hosted a stocks class recently, tryna get my money up, secure the bag, harness the power of the almighty dollar… in other words, make some money. The teacher… I’ll link his classes below cuz that’s how we do… was phenomenal.

And I bet he didn’t know it, but that wasn’t just Stocks 101 it was a class in Nigganomics as well. What, you ask, is Nigganomics, well according to Webster, (of George and Ma’am not Merriam), it’s the cost of dealing with ignorant mofos. The stakes is high y’all… the stakes is mighty high.

When you get to be 40ish, lots of things change. Your urgency in some areas skyrockets and your utter inability to can in others plummets. A few areas where shit is very urgent is your time, peace, mental health, and pockets. Whereas anything that puts you in the red, in any of those categories, can die slow. Nothing costs you more than dealing with the wrong people.

“Money Trees is the perfect place for shade” Kendrick Lamar

It’s time to do an audit, and in this audit everyone gets assigned two values, a price, what it costs you, and a earnings, what you profit. If it’s clear that despite Ike being fun, he is hours late for every date you make and a big disappointment in general, he’s an asshole. If despite being friends with Sophia a long time, she’s jealous of you and wants you to shrink yourself, she’s a hater. They both need to beat it. Their P/E ratio sucks and it costs you more to have them in your life than it rewards you. But Craig and Peanut bring both something to the table that benefits your life, and in turn are worth that cost. Craig loves spending time with you, he’s fun, present, and listens. He’s caring and genuine. Peanut is a real one, he helps you make that schmoney, gives you good financial advice, invests in you for real, and is trustworthy. He is supportive and wants to see you grow. These people are good investments if your time, money, peace, and mental health. You win with them in your corner! Ike and Sophia are lessons in Nigganomics… pull your money out and make better investments.

Here are a few lessons in who to invest in based on simple calculations of that person’s P/E ratio:

1. Don’t shed tears, that’s valuable hydration, over broke ass partners … you wouldn’t go into business with a pauper, don’t spend your emotions on them either. They are a liability. Bad investment.

2. Haters bring with them a litany of unforeseen costs, because jealousy and insecurity are dangerous liabilities. You can’t predict which way they’ll go at any moment or their intentions. Bad investment.

3. Don’t get bogged down by how long you have known people. Toxicity makes you sick… and you can’t secure bags when you are bedridden. Sometimes you just outgrow people, or you grow in different directions…and that doesn’t make folks bad it just makes them bad for you. Don’t let relationships that have overstayed their welcome ruin your life’s portfolio. Bad investments.

4. The biggest LIEability of all is that you are stuck with your family. Listen, if you are surrounded by folks you call parent, brother, sister, aunt, or cousin that carry around those generational curses like shields to protect them from taking responsibility and owning their own shit… it’s perfectly fine to care for them, from afar. Don’t allow relationships you didn’t create but were born to keep you depositing funds into an account you cannot collect from and that pay no dividends. Bad investment.

Now, take some inventory of your relationships. If the price far outweighs the benefits, abort mission and find a new place to invest your time and love. Apply these principals to your life and watch the value of the company you keep and the value of your life increase, and the price you pay to have these relationships far outweighed by the benefits! And “skrt skrt” on these haters.

Stocks Classes: The Bullish Institute

Looking… at the Front Door

  1. Check your phone
  2. Stalk you on social media to see whose booty pic you liked.
  3. Sneak watch you texting people.
  4. Give a DAMN about any of that.

That’s a list of what I’m NOT gon do!

So let’s be honest. Black men don’t cheat my ass… they cheat, women cheat, Indian transsexuals cheat, Tibetan polyamorous bisexuals cheat. People are imperfect. People are stupid. People are selfish. People are tempted and weak. But what won’t happen, is me looking for your cheating.

Nope.

The cliches are true…

What is done in the dark will come to light!

If you go looking for trouble, you’ll find it.

But if you got a job, a life, take care of your skin, and drink your own water, you don’t have time to concern yourself with the transgressions of other individuals who don’t respect or care about your feelings and who give up.

Cheating is giving up. A cheater is a quitter. Instead of dealing with issues that arise they take your relationships trade secrets outside of the relationship and with it their intimacy, insecurity, and infidelity. Flag on the play! Now if you choose to forgive and move forward with that person, cheers to you! However, cheating, that is a deal breaker over this way.

But looking at attractive women, talking about attractive women, sharing with their friends, communicating with their friends… it ain’t cheating. It’s not something I care to spend any time worrying about… because you can be sure I’m looking at these fine chocolate brothas, talking to my friends about these fine chocolate brothas, talking to my friends when I need to, and checking on ALL of my people. I have zero interest in cheating on anyone, but I’m neither blind nor dead and fine is fine… okay. Most importantly, I am secure in mine. If you wanna give up this 80 and go get that 20, go ahead. But numbers don’t lie… only men and women do.

I’m a fan of not just emotional intelligence but sexual intelligence. The sight of a beautiful woman should be something you look at, it’s aesthetically pleasing, and ABSOLUTELY healthy and normal. If you looked at me that way, chances are you see all these other fine ass girls too. Finding someone attractive and acting on that attraction are two entirely different things. The ability to do the former without engaging in the latter… a sign of sexual intelligence.

So follow Big Booty Judy on Instagram if you want… but have some fucking loyalty… if the sneakers she has on with those booty shorts are fire… show your girl. Keeping that kinda stuff from me will get you thank you nexted. All that other, I’m unconcerned with.

But go sharing the ole bait and tackle… that’s a one way ticket to Nopelandia and I live in Yestopia.

“I say it now like I said it before
I’m lookin’ at the front door” -Main Source

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

“…Do you know what that mean?”

They make songs about us.

***

Her: But why does he give the woman who has it all together a hard time?

Me: CUZ he doesn’t have it all together.

Oh, and because he’s stupid. YES, I said what I said… I can repeat it if you want me to. HE IS STUPID. He probably comes from some level of stupid. He has seen stupid. Someone accepted stupid, a lot of stupid. So he thinks that shit is acceptable.

***

*The Boss*

You have it all, a good job or business, a nice home, a nice car, bad ass shoes, and a stellar closet. You vacation, you are probably VERY single, meaning you have no kids and have never been married. You are gorgeous. You are intimidating… and being intimidating is not your issue. It is his.

Your friends wonder why you are single. Men ask you “what is wrong with you, why are you still single” (by the way, that is the DUMBEST question in America and if you are a man and you ask any woman this question, may you be struck down with great vengeance and furious anger just for being so dumb). You work really hard, but you play hard too. You are social. You get it in, so you aren’t waiting for Mr. Right to break into your house. But yet, no one approaches you… well the really ambitious dudes who need a lot of dental work and a vehicle, they do, but they got absolutely nothing to lose. Shoot your shot bro, I’m not mad at you. But you know who is gun shy… the brotha with it all. Why? Well…..

Insecurity. Men are taught that they are providers, fixers, workers, and breadwinners. They get tow trucks and tool sets, puzzles and video games…toys oriented to a task. Girls get dolls and makeup sets, books on babysitting and jewelry… toys oriented to taking care of others. So they see you doing what they think is primarily their job… and have nothing to do. If you make more money, are more educated, work more… it doesn’t fit with their idea of how men and women work together. So they retreat from you eventually. That is what anyone in a position of insecurity would do. All of this while trying to assert your position in the workplace from hating ass white supremacists, crying ass white women, other crab ass Black women, and stuck between race and patriarchy Black men. You are constantly having to prove both your worth and your dedication. So the last person you need to assure that you are apart of the team is your man, when you rock his bedazzled jersey and cheerlead from the sidelines every chance you get. That insecurity will get you kicked off the team every time!

Plus, fellas… Khadijah don’t need ya stuff, just you. You were her choice… emphasis on WERE!

“Kinda woman that want you but don’t need you…” -Neyo, “Miss Independent”

*The Mother*

So you and dude are rocking with each other, and then you have a baby together. He has other kids who are well behaved and well taken care of, so it seems like baby will be a welcomed addition to your relationship. This could even be the case where you both have children from previous relationships, but the time has come to introduce the kids into the equation. It seems pretty simple, be my man and be a father{figure}… right? NOPE, not all of the time. You see, it depends TOTALLY on who that man has been allowed to be before… the precedent has been set.

A man who has previously been TOTALLY in charge of the relationship, knew that that woman needed and required him to provide for both her and the children or the children might not make it… at least not as well as they have with him around. Knowing that his presence creates that safe haven for her and that she needs that provision, means that his efforts in other parts of the relationship… romance, communication, social activity, just not being an asshole… could be temporarily put off at his whim.

Then here you come!

At first, your independence is welcomed, it is refereshing. He can sit back and not have to worry about taking care of you quite in the same way. However, the ways that he needs to take care of you, he only knows how to provide on a temporary basis… and when he now has someone else to take care of or consider, that is when he goes on hiatus with you. For several reasons, I believe. The first being that he goes back into “being in charge” mode… without the realization that he cannot be in charge of you. You ain’t the be in charge of me type. The second is that, being in charge feels good to him, and it allows him to feel okay about being mediocre. With you, there is no in charge, so being mediocre does not feel so good. And who wants to feel bad, on purpose? Lastly, he has not had to do ANY HOME WORK on his women in the past, so he has done none on you. Think about it, how well does he know you? Can you be honest with him? Vulnerable? Do you tell him when you are hurting, or better yet does he already know? If the answer is no… sadly, you might have picked an okay father, but he cannot be a good man to you and a good father too. In fact, with you, he is probably slacking on his pimping in both areas… simply because being around you doesn’t feel as good to him as it did before BK (before kids). You got everything on lock, even with the kids in tow. You bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan. He doesn’t think he fits in…

Well sir, get in where you fit in.

“Cause I depend on me.” -Destiny’s Child “Independent Women”

*The Single Socialite*

When you move, they move, just like that. And so it goes, you got the key to city, your plate stays full, and you are on every ‘by invite only’ list. You love pictures, you love a good drink and a good song you can twerk to, and you hate a name dropper… because you are the name. Okay you get it. Anyway, you are likely a serial monogamist … you meet and greet, they work hard to sweep you off of your feet, but somehow you always end up standing in your Loubs, with yourself. You are never really by yourself and you love your me time, but for whatever reason no one has presented you with the perfect glass slipper. Why?

You too are intimidating, which also isn’t your fault… but in a different way. Men who think they are ready for you, usually quickly find out that unless they are okay with stepping aside and letting you shine, they will be in your shadow. So one of the rules of a lasting relationship is not to compete with your partner, if I win, we both win. And while that sounds good, and it is good, in practice, it often does not work quite like that. Movers and shakers tend to be competitive by nature. While women tend to be more community minded in their success, men are much more individualistic, so it may be hard for him to see himself as in a successful partnership and not the successful partner. He feels like he has to one up you, so instead of being partners you end up adversaries. He likely goes in to find someone in awe of his position. But he couldn’t see that what you built for yourself you were willing to share, and as your partner he didn’t need to compete. You don’t need a savior or someone who out does you, but someone who lets you shine, because he’s confident in his own shine.

“They buy the bar too, they superstars too” -Webbie “Independent”

***

These are just some examples… but independent women often find and feel that they get the short end of the stick BECAUSE they are independent! There is some truth in that, but the bigger truth is this: Go for yours, be able to take care of yourself and teach that to your daughters. The man made especially for you will find you, realize that you are that good thing he has been looking for, and he will boss up! Stupid dudes are just around to teach us lessons, that’s all. Until then, handle your business, upgrade, secure the bag, drip, stack, and hustle hard. And when bae finds you … let him take a flight in yo choppa!

To all the boys I loved before…

“Ronnie, Bobby, Rickie, and Mike…”

Okay, so not them, but you surely didn’t think I was gonna give you real names right? Besides #NE4Life… all six or no mas, none of that RBRM foolishness.

Sorry, I got carried away… but back to the lecture at hand…

Nobody told us that little rock head boy we thought we were gonna one day make little rockhead kids with was not the one. Our Mother tolerated our “little friend” knowing full well he was likely the first or third in a long line of little, medium, and eventually big friends that would attempt to woo us into relationships that would end. Relationships that were supposed to end, for most of us who didn’t end up marrying our prom date. The end of those relationships, though devastating at the time, were actually the experiences that would one day lead us to the one. A series of dating couplets that would both get harder and easier, as we matured and hopefully gained needed wisdom. A journey, if you are anything like me, you could have done without were it not necessary to arrive at the grand finalé. In the words of the modern day I Dream of Jeannie, Ariana Grande, “Thank you, Next…”

I’m not talking about the love or lust or intense care for another person; the emotion of a relationship. We talk about that enough. Instead, I wanna talk just a bit about the experience of loving and losing… and still being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are beyond the age by which you THOUGHT you’d be happily forever betrothed.

Ronnie was your high school/college sweetheart. He was family, but he couldn’t handle your growth. You married Bobby. You divorced Bobby. Rickie was wonderful… at first. He treated you like a Queen…but he already had a Queen. Epic fail. Mike was familiar and comfortable, fun and spontaneous. But Mike was noncommittal. Those are not the kind of relationships God would prepare for us, no matter how deeply we feel for an individual. God commands the man who findeth a good thing to love her as God loves him… and that’s with unconditional, continuous, and dedicated commitment. You didn’t love to lose. You lost, to be loved. I’ll repeat it…You didn’t love to lose. You lost, to be loved.

All this time you thought you liked the members of the boy bands and really you needed a solo act. But you see, all of that was the set up YOU needed to get to your come up. That’s the thing with love & relationships at this age in this age, everyone is on social media with rings, white dresses, newborns, honeymoons, and #baegoals. So we tend to compare ourselves with those images… but that is their path, not yours. You couldn’t walk their path and get to your perfect destination. Instead, tis the season for realizing how much better you will be for the man God made for you now that the boys are…

So how do we really move past those encounters and see them as the very important opportunities to learn how to love and be loved, to communicate and comprehend, to partner with another to do life together? What you feel is a result of your experience. As relationships perish, remind yourself of the actual experience -the actions, promises, broken promises truths, untruths, consistency, and growth, or lack thereof. We can’t continue to sit only in the stew of our emotions and not be honest about what was really going on. I mean no matter how great Rickie seemed to treat you, he dishonored you, disrespected you, and lied to you… he had a whole wife for the love of all that is holy. He was an ass. Mourn him if you must, but mourn him in the way you would any donkey. Briefly.

After all, it is your reaction to those experiences that are the true hallmark of your readiness for the mate of your dreams. When we profess after a heart pause, that we don’t need a man… well, chances are you will be single until you reverse that mantra. Be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with being single. However, for humans, life is a series of relationships with other people, and most of us, if we are honest, want to spend part, if not all, of our adult lives living in tandem with another. We want the continuous support, companionship, and peace that having someone you care for deeply, and whose face you want to see, by our sides. So professing that we hate men… that’s not the jump off.

Being fearful or hesitant to open up to others is not the way to the light either. Instead, after we have given ourselves time and space to heal… from both our actions and theirs… we must open ourselves up and be receptive. We have to be available and show up in our availability. As much as we might like this scenario, Mr. Right is probably not going to ring your doorbell while you are binge watching Fuller House. OutKast put it best… you need to get up, get out, and get something. In this case, something might just be that human jungle gym of a chocolate drop you have been waiting for, that God planted in that space, place, and time… just for you boo.

Phone a friend. Eat some Talenti Caramel Cookie Crunch. Have a good cry or two. Get a new hairstyle, exercise the pain away, and get extra fine… because God is trying to tell you something. He is the cutter of zeroes, and the force behind the hero that will come along, let you take your cape off, and get this excited when your fine ass walks into a room …

How does that feel?!???

Heal Thy Self

I posted that this morning on Facebook.

I am pretty cryptic on Facebook, because I’m very private and I might have something to say or have learned a lesson I believe is worth sharing, but that’s all I’m willing to share. But this time, I was asked to expound, by people who support and show love to me consistently. What an honor. So you stand tf up in your greatness and do what you do best. So just call me She Will Heal aka Poe-Etta the Human Go-Getta aka Sage StCroix. I’m on my Erykah Badu today. Headwrap and all. (Ok I washed my hair, it’s a towel…whatever).

….

On Sunday, I was faced with the realization that some people, no matter how hard they try, just don’t know how to love back. At least not in a consistent and dedicated manner, which is the only kind of love I am interested in. They may try, may think they are loving you, but really they are unhealed and projecting their scars onto you.

When you were young and free from the very real responsibilities of parenthood and adulthood, it was easier. Love just flowed from your heart like water. Fairly unscathed by and maybe just unaware of how our experiences would come to shape us. It isn’t until you can process those experiences that you fully understand their impact. Experiencing trauma in any form, especially as a child, is just your experience at the time. It’s not until the real damage the experiences have done hit you as you grow and mature, that the true trauma starts. When you haven’t gotten there yet, you are very free to live and love openly and freely and without fear. But when the trauma hits the fan… Fear!

They say life’s a bitch, well fear must be it’s pimp, because it is stifling, predatory, a mental and physical prison without chains, and controls every move you make and every step you take. It is the bastard of trauma. It robs you of your security, confidence, assurance, and awareness. It’s the little girl from the Bad Seed pushing you into the deep end when you can’t swim and into the fire to burn. And when you aren’t raised in love… it’s you. Slave to your fears and illegitimate child of your trauma.

So many of us try to love people who are still caught in the web of their painful experiences, struggling to get out, but without the proper tools or guidance to navigate that trauma. So we become, naturally, involved in it. Sometimes just as a supporter in their healing but other times as a self-sacrifice. It is the latter that robs us of our needs and wants and puts us center stage in full Joan of Arc character, ready to be burned at the stake. Instead we have to demand the other party rise up in their shit and walk in it… until they reach dry land. They must do their own work. And no you can’t walk behind with a pooper scooper, it’s their shit…. Do the work.

So I’m always ready to do the work. Whatever it entails. Do I need to do more of this and less of that to get the desired result for the team? Sure, no problem, gimme an hour. Do we need the best shovel money can by to dig up these experiences and face them head on? Where is the closest Home Depot? No Home Depot, get me a paperclip, the blade of a metal fan, a brick, two screws and bolts, and a broom handle. Call me MacGalver.

Likewise, any partner, friend, family member, must be ready as well. We each need to get a part time job in solving our collective problems. I’m willing to support in any way. But a person still stuck in trauma can’t give anything their all, and the only out from that is them deciding they are ready to roll up their sleeves and dig in. Acknowledging, processing, talking through, and ultimately healing from the very real things that they experienced. Shit, we all have something. We aren’t to blame for it happening but we are certainly responsible to heal it.

When you have unhealed trauma, you become that traumatic experience for others and self-sabotage in every realm of your life…

So your parent leaving you and not being present; being physically present but not emotionally available; their deception; drug use; ignoring how their new girlfriend or boyfriend looked at you with desire; or simply their failure to properly parent… is abandonment, and until you get to the bottom of that, you will fail to be present for others and will likewise abandon them. You will fail to finish the things you start. You will take on too much that you know you can’t complete, in fear of failure. Your inability to commit to everything will leave you alone, lonely, and unaccomplished.

Your chaotic home; lack of discipline; the failure of those around you to address and maintain boundaries; toxic behaviors; and any lack of organization, order, respect, and peace that you experienced growing up… is turmoil, and it manifests itself in your own chaos and toxicity. So you rob people of their peace. And you have no peace. You bring dysfunction with you into every space, and it lingers around you like smoke, debilitating anyone who comes into contact with you.

If you had to fend for yourself; every step you took was in the face of violence and unsafety; cuz mama had to have a life too you were changing diapers, making syrup sandwiches, and had a switchblade ready in case someone strange knocked at the door; or you just simply had to take care of yourself in hopes that you made it to the next morning…. that’s survival, and when it’s all you’ve known you only know how to hustle and protect yourself at all costs. Loving isn’t your game, and you likely play Russian Roulette with other people’s hearts to protect your own. You project your fears onto everything. You make other people nervous because you are overly aggressive, and yet you are timid in trying anything new.

Yet, when you grow up in love, a nurturing environment that teaches you your value and the value of the other people living in the world with you, that supports you, that protects you, and that imparts confidence and assurance that you can be anything you set your mind to… that’s love, and in turn you know how to support, respect, and honor others. To show love you have to have seen it. That love emanates from you like a light. Everyone sees it and they navigate towards you. Opportunity is at your every corner. Success is yours for the taking.

So again, the experience was out of your control… but the responsibility to heal from any hurt or pain you were left with is yours. Get your shovel, your tissues, unpack that baggage, get a therapist, open your mouth and your heart, and do your work. And vow that until you are healed properly, you will take extra care of those around you by acknowledging that you have limitations and giving them the option of rocking with you or not. Everybody isn’t equipped to deal with the vestiges of your trauma.

As for me, I’m navigating the situation. I am not a sacrificial lamb, but I will happily support someone I care about through their healing. But if you knocked on my door with your briefcase in hand, ready for the first day on the job I expect you to be ready to do what you say you are prepared to do. Because when I answered, I was suited up with my pearl studs on and my blouse perfectly starched. My lowest offer was at the top of the scale, and I promised you an office with a spectacular view. I am worth you doing your work, because I’m already ready to move us both to the next level. Get like me. I’m a healer. Now where is my sage…

No HANs … EVER!

“All these hoe [ass] ni**as, must be Hoechella!” -Lil Wayne

Listen, we gots to do better ladies.

Now, be clear, I’m not blaming women for the lack of manhood in a male… but I am putting the onus on us to pay attention to the signs and accept no HANs in our lives, we better than that (unless you not… only you know that!). Like Auntie Iyanla says, “do your work” and heal whatever leftover self-sabotaging demons and ghosts of evil’s past are still lingering. No HANs…ever again… mmmkay!

I know and feel your pain. It often seems like it’s a hoepalooza out here in these streets. So many men aren’t men, they are males of a certain age. They don’t have a clue or a plan. They are looking for a mama, a step mama to their outside kids, an accountant, a sponsor, and a room mate. They aren’t looking to make their women life mates or wives, but a part of their harem of harlettes. But they don’t have a bed to lay in or lay you down in. You are a really bad hoe if you hoeing in your mana’s sleep number adjustable bed. But if the elevated head fits…

Yet… we have the most precious commodity on Earth. Men have been going to the greatest lengths for the love of a woman since the beginning of time. They tryna get to you and that…yoni!

Paris, the Prince of Troy wanted Helen so bad, he started the Trojan War when he ran off with her.

The Italian poet Dante wrote of Beatrice, a woman he met once as a child and saw once in the streets of Italy, in many of his best writings, as his muse.

Lancelot, knight to King Arthur, goes to war with him over his affair with his live Guinevere, wife of the king. He loses, and eventually becomes a priest after losing his love.

We out here starting international battles!

Ultimately, we are making the final call. We are giving the yay or nay, even if we have expressed interest first… it is usually up to us how slow or fast, deep or shallow the situation goes. Add to that our penchant for emotional involvement, it is imperative that we seek out HAN tendencies and believe them when we see them. HANness does not lie, it is not easily confused with other qualities, it is its own sad set of facts. You owe it to yourself to disconnect from a HAN, no matter how fine, smooth talking, well-dressed, whatever… cuz if you stay… Molly, you in trouble girl!

So fellas, be not a HAN. If your daddy and uncles taught you the not so fine art of HANdom, reject it. I don’t think it’s an easy thing to get over. Once a HAN, very rarely does one graduate into manhood. It’s like the black hole. Graduate from malehood to manhood! And if your boy or your brother is a HAN, do your civic duty and yank his chain. School him in the ways of men!

Ladies, accept not HAN ways. He should be clear about his intentions. He should have income, transportation or an active Uber/Lyft/mass transit life, a place to lay his head other than your pillow, and a plan for his life he should be able to verbalize to you unless it’s obvious. He should return calls and texts in a timely manner, make time for you, refrain from telling you how busy he is in relation to your time together, honor his word, and be secure in his clearly present manhood… not to be confused with his malehood.

All in agreement… No HANs EVER!

Only Chella we acknowledge is Bey…

Better Grab a Seat

This is personal, but I feel like I need to purge it… so here I go…

“Fuck niggas, get money”

Yep, that’s right.

Cuz these dudes be on some real fuckboy shit. And they

FORTY…

and above! Yep, 40. Four zero. Ten four times, 40 rotations around the sun. 14,610 Days if we count leap years. A decade less than HALF A CENTURY!

I mean I need somebody to help me out. How are you still insecure, ego-driven, lacking confidence, worried about dumb shit, still tryna screw raggedy broads, and sending unsolicited photos of your junk?!?!? Dude? Grow up… or don’t, but don’t fake the funk with me because you have gotten in practice lying to kick it with grown women.

Just stop!

I’m out here hustling, drinking a gallon of water a day so I have no time for foolishness or drama cuz I’m on the toilet, and taking care of everybody. Yep, saving the world. And you are being stupid, noncommittal, emotionally unintelligent, and silent. Who raised you? Who hurt you? Who didn’t hug you enough? And could you get some therapy for all of that before you grow a beard and cut all the strings from that 2 for $199 suit from Men’s Warehouse… that makes you look grown and matches that good shit you were talking, that upon later inspection was a Audre Lorde quote.

Please don’t misunderstand gentlemen, we ladies are aware that there are a lot of males in men’s clothing… unfortunately they have been studying your moves and got you down to a science at the audition and even at the screen testing, but they can’t perform. Suddenly they are unable to commit to the role, forget their lines, and forgot they had made other plans they simply cannot break. But we are tired of having our time wasted. At 20 it was cute. At 30 we figured they were about to grow out of it, but at this point it’s reached a level of fuckery we can’t entertain, and we want a Russell in our future.

We aren’t fully blaming males though, we have some fault. They say people show you who they are, and it usually happens earlier than we walk away. If we want the promise then we have to be faithful to it, and bust up as soon as we see that what we have is a boy not yet a man, despite the gray in his beard. It’s BEEN time to level up. But no time like the present.

Grown men at 40 are very different from 40 year old males.

Grown men can cook a meal.

Grown men aren’t waiting on a woman to take care of them, but know they too are here to take care of others.

Grown men are financially and otherwise stable or at least have a plan that they are working towards for financial stability… a plan they can verbalize with deadlines and action plans.

Grown men don’t entertain a woman beyond casual dating who he isn’t interested in something greater with, and if he is on any other page he is going to verbalize that clearly.

Grown men are emotionally available.

Grown men take care of their kids.

Grown men don’t waste women’s time.

Grown men don’t practice ghosting, silent treatment, dishonesty, or fucking foolishness.

There is no need… state your business and find someone on the same page. It’s simple.

So if you are a Future… go find you someone who likes the idea of needing Google translate on language : “dumb shit” to understand you. They are out there. But this play is on Broadway, it’s not the chitlin circuit, and only Russells need apply.

Meanwhile, we’ll be over here moisturizing, stacking these coins, and minding our business until a man shows his face. We have an example to show to our children, and we need strong partnerships as the backbone of the Black community, to ensure we continue to grow and get better. Otherwise, we are spreading toxicity and dysfunction around like peanut better and there is no jam…no perfect verse over a tight beat. So get it together!

This lesson has been brought to you by the letters J and M, and is…

“Just a lil somethin’, to let you [mofos] know”

Love IS: Part I

Scene…

To Him: “This is a 24/7 job do you understand me…When she’s sick, when she’s tired, when she just plain old don’t feel like it, she don’t have anybody to pass the baton to. Nobody’s here to pass it to. She’s the first one to get up in the morning, the last one to go down at night. She’s the mother, the father, the Doctor, the nurse, the chauffeur and the therapist…so you may not like her, but you damn sure are gonna respect her and you gonna thank her.”

To Her: “Baby he gone, he don’t want you no more. You got to let him go. You need to think about how you all are gonna raise [him] right now, together, with what you got right now!”

(Loretta Divine, Love Is)

Preach on preacher!

Parenting as a single person does not and should not ever be single parenting, parenting singularly and alone.

Parenting while single requires you to love in the right now, accept the situation as is, learn to be okay with it, own your responsibility in the outcome, and respect the parenting partner, especially if you are not properly parenting. It is required in order for you to raise a child who is not stuck trying to figure out how he or she fits into your inability to heal from a failed relationship and a failure to parent.

We pass on our trauma to our kids when we blame the active parent for demanding that we take part in parenting equally or respect them enough to allow them to make decisions on behalf of the child that we are not included in. It’s not their fault we aren’t included, we don’t include ourselves. They are left being the child’s everything…while we are given the space to be selfish, chase our dreams in a bubble, and practice continuous self-care while they have to schedule an hour alone to take a bath and read a chapter of a book they bought a year ago. We owe them a big thank you!

The truth is, we are usually plagued by both a broken heart and guilt. A broken heart for the failed relationship and guilt for allowing that pain to keep us from our kids, usually to avoid the love we lost by avoiding what that love created. We take our guilt out on them instead of figuring out how to be active parents, we disrespect them and hurt our children. We hurl ourselves deeper into an abyss of blame and anger that is actually our own creation. So we verbally abuse them. Name call, spread untruths or half-truths about them, and disrespect our past with them. We try to place our own guilt as blame upon them.

Our inability to be active parents is our own fault, NO fault of theirs!

Others of us hold on to the pain of what we lost, and punish the other party. Especially when that other party is co-parenting based on their own needs and not the needs of the child. It feels like a second rejection. It feels like a rejection of us and then a rejection of the greatest extension of ourselves, our children. But people are allowed to not want to be with you. That choice is theirs to make, if it is what is best for their life. As much as it may disappoint you, the end of your relationship with your child’s parent is not a tool of punishment where their child is concerned. Some of us withhold our children as pawns until the other party makes the moves we want to see. Others of us hold threats of court and child support over their heads as low hanging beams, hoping when they finally stand upright they will see the same stars their rejection left floating around in our heads. Then some of us are just bitches. And be very clear, I have not mentioned gender purposefully, because these are things both men and women do.

It shouldn’t be an option for people to choose to parent, but sadly it is a choice some people make. There is nothing we can do about that but leave the light on. Why? Well, the child’s relationship with their parent is their own, not yours to control. Of course if that other parent is hurting the child in some way, then by all means take the reins… but if it’s simply a matter of coming and going, that child will let you know their level of interest. And true to form, they will make up their own minds. A parent with an open invitation into their child’s life who doesn’t come to the party has their own issues, it’s a reflection of how they see themselves. Maybe this can help you release some of the anger you have regarding their absence. You are involved, but it’s not about you. The person most affected, is the child.

So everyone needs to start where they are… the relationship is over, but the child is here… in need of two parents. It takes two people to make a baby by God’s design, that design doesn’t stop at conception. The same way a man and woman fit together to make a child, they fit together to raise one.

Exit Scene…