No HANs … EVER!

“All these hoe [ass] ni**as, must be Hoechella!” -Lil Wayne

Listen, we gots to do better ladies.

Now, be clear, I’m not blaming women for the lack of manhood in a male… but I am putting the onus on us to pay attention to the signs and accept no HANs in our lives, we better than that (unless you not… only you know that!). Like Auntie Iyanla says, “do your work” and heal whatever leftover self-sabotaging demons and ghosts of evil’s past are still lingering. No HANs…ever again… mmmkay!

I know and feel your pain. It often seems like it’s a hoepalooza out here in these streets. So many men aren’t men, they are males of a certain age. They don’t have a clue or a plan. They are looking for a mama, a step mama to their outside kids, an accountant, a sponsor, and a room mate. They aren’t looking to make their women life mates or wives, but a part of their harem of harlettes. But they don’t have a bed to lay in or lay you down in. You are a really bad hoe if you hoeing in your mana’s sleep number adjustable bed. But if the elevated head fits…

Yet… we have the most precious commodity on Earth. Men have been going to the greatest lengths for the love of a woman since the beginning of time. They tryna get to you and that…yoni!

Paris, the Prince of Troy wanted Helen so bad, he started the Trojan War when he ran off with her.

The Italian poet Dante wrote of Beatrice, a woman he met once as a child and saw once in the streets of Italy, in many of his best writings, as his muse.

Lancelot, knight to King Arthur, goes to war with him over his affair with his live Guinevere, wife of the king. He loses, and eventually becomes a priest after losing his love.

We out here starting international battles!

Ultimately, we are making the final call. We are giving the yay or nay, even if we have expressed interest first… it is usually up to us how slow or fast, deep or shallow the situation goes. Add to that our penchant for emotional involvement, it is imperative that we seek out HAN tendencies and believe them when we see them. HANness does not lie, it is not easily confused with other qualities, it is its own sad set of facts. You owe it to yourself to disconnect from a HAN, no matter how fine, smooth talking, well-dressed, whatever… cuz if you stay… Molly, you in trouble girl!

So fellas, be not a HAN. If your daddy and uncles taught you the not so fine art of HANdom, reject it. I don’t think it’s an easy thing to get over. Once a HAN, very rarely does one graduate into manhood. It’s like the black hole. Graduate from malehood to manhood! And if your boy or your brother is a HAN, do your civic duty and yank his chain. School him in the ways of men!

Ladies, accept not HAN ways. He should be clear about his intentions. He should have income, transportation or an active Uber/Lyft/mass transit life, a place to lay his head other than your pillow, and a plan for his life he should be able to verbalize to you unless it’s obvious. He should return calls and texts in a timely manner, make time for you, refrain from telling you how busy he is in relation to your time together, honor his word, and be secure in his clearly present manhood… not to be confused with his malehood.

All in agreement… No HANs EVER!

Only Chella we acknowledge is Bey…

Better Grab a Seat

This is personal, but I feel like I need to purge it… so here I go…

“Fuck niggas, get money”

Yep, that’s right.

Cuz these dudes be on some real fuckboy shit. And they

FORTY…

and above! Yep, 40. Four zero. Ten four times, 40 rotations around the sun. 14,610 Days if we count leap years. A decade less than HALF A CENTURY!

I mean I need somebody to help me out. How are you still insecure, ego-driven, lacking confidence, worried about dumb shit, still tryna screw raggedy broads, and sending unsolicited photos of your junk?!?!? Dude? Grow up… or don’t, but don’t fake the funk with me because you have gotten in practice lying to kick it with grown women.

Just stop!

I’m out here hustling, drinking a gallon of water a day so I have no time for foolishness or drama cuz I’m on the toilet, and taking care of everybody. Yep, saving the world. And you are being stupid, noncommittal, emotionally unintelligent, and silent. Who raised you? Who hurt you? Who didn’t hug you enough? And could you get some therapy for all of that before you grow a beard and cut all the strings from that 2 for $199 suit from Men’s Warehouse… that makes you look grown and matches that good shit you were talking, that upon later inspection was a Audre Lorde quote.

Please don’t misunderstand gentlemen, we ladies are aware that there are a lot of males in men’s clothing… unfortunately they have been studying your moves and got you down to a science at the audition and even at the screen testing, but they can’t perform. Suddenly they are unable to commit to the role, forget their lines, and forgot they had made other plans they simply cannot break. But we are tired of having our time wasted. At 20 it was cute. At 30 we figured they were about to grow out of it, but at this point it’s reached a level of fuckery we can’t entertain, and we want a Russell in our future.

We aren’t fully blaming males though, we have some fault. They say people show you who they are, and it usually happens earlier than we walk away. If we want the promise then we have to be faithful to it, and bust up as soon as we see that what we have is a boy not yet a man, despite the gray in his beard. It’s BEEN time to level up. But no time like the present.

Grown men at 40 are very different from 40 year old males.

Grown men can cook a meal.

Grown men aren’t waiting on a woman to take care of them, but know they too are here to take care of others.

Grown men are financially and otherwise stable or at least have a plan that they are working towards for financial stability… a plan they can verbalize with deadlines and action plans.

Grown men don’t entertain a woman beyond casual dating who he isn’t interested in something greater with, and if he is on any other page he is going to verbalize that clearly.

Grown men are emotionally available.

Grown men take care of their kids.

Grown men don’t waste women’s time.

Grown men don’t practice ghosting, silent treatment, dishonesty, or fucking foolishness.

There is no need… state your business and find someone on the same page. It’s simple.

So if you are a Future… go find you someone who likes the idea of needing Google translate on language : “dumb shit” to understand you. They are out there. But this play is on Broadway, it’s not the chitlin circuit, and only Russells need apply.

Meanwhile, we’ll be over here moisturizing, stacking these coins, and minding our business until a man shows his face. We have an example to show to our children, and we need strong partnerships as the backbone of the Black community, to ensure we continue to grow and get better. Otherwise, we are spreading toxicity and dysfunction around like peanut better and there is no jam…no perfect verse over a tight beat. So get it together!

This lesson has been brought to you by the letters J and M, and is…

“Just a lil somethin’, to let you [mofos] know”

Love IS: Part I

Scene…

To Him: “This is a 24/7 job do you understand me…When she’s sick, when she’s tired, when she just plain old don’t feel like it, she don’t have anybody to pass the baton to. Nobody’s here to pass it to. She’s the first one to get up in the morning, the last one to go down at night. She’s the mother, the father, the Doctor, the nurse, the chauffeur and the therapist…so you may not like her, but you damn sure are gonna respect her and you gonna thank her.”

To Her: “Baby he gone, he don’t want you no more. You got to let him go. You need to think about how you all are gonna raise [him] right now, together, with what you got right now!”

(Loretta Divine, Love Is)

Preach on preacher!

Parenting as a single person does not and should not ever be single parenting, parenting singularly and alone.

Parenting while single requires you to love in the right now, accept the situation as is, learn to be okay with it, own your responsibility in the outcome, and respect the parenting partner, especially if you are not properly parenting. It is required in order for you to raise a child who is not stuck trying to figure out how he or she fits into your inability to heal from a failed relationship and a failure to parent.

We pass on our trauma to our kids when we blame the active parent for demanding that we take part in parenting equally or respect them enough to allow them to make decisions on behalf of the child that we are not included in. It’s not their fault we aren’t included, we don’t include ourselves. They are left being the child’s everything…while we are given the space to be selfish, chase our dreams in a bubble, and practice continuous self-care while they have to schedule an hour alone to take a bath and read a chapter of a book they bought a year ago. We owe them a big thank you!

The truth is, we are usually plagued by both a broken heart and guilt. A broken heart for the failed relationship and guilt for allowing that pain to keep us from our kids, usually to avoid the love we lost by avoiding what that love created. We take our guilt out on them instead of figuring out how to be active parents, we disrespect them and hurt our children. We hurl ourselves deeper into an abyss of blame and anger that is actually our own creation. So we verbally abuse them. Name call, spread untruths or half-truths about them, and disrespect our past with them. We try to place our own guilt as blame upon them.

Our inability to be active parents is our own fault, NO fault of theirs!

Others of us hold on to the pain of what we lost, and punish the other party. Especially when that other party is co-parenting based on their own needs and not the needs of the child. It feels like a second rejection. It feels like a rejection of us and then a rejection of the greatest extension of ourselves, our children. But people are allowed to not want to be with you. That choice is theirs to make, if it is what is best for their life. As much as it may disappoint you, the end of your relationship with your child’s parent is not a tool of punishment where their child is concerned. Some of us withhold our children as pawns until the other party makes the moves we want to see. Others of us hold threats of court and child support over their heads as low hanging beams, hoping when they finally stand upright they will see the same stars their rejection left floating around in our heads. Then some of us are just bitches. And be very clear, I have not mentioned gender purposefully, because these are things both men and women do.

It shouldn’t be an option for people to choose to parent, but sadly it is a choice some people make. There is nothing we can do about that but leave the light on. Why? Well, the child’s relationship with their parent is their own, not yours to control. Of course if that other parent is hurting the child in some way, then by all means take the reins… but if it’s simply a matter of coming and going, that child will let you know their level of interest. And true to form, they will make up their own minds. A parent with an open invitation into their child’s life who doesn’t come to the party has their own issues, it’s a reflection of how they see themselves. Maybe this can help you release some of the anger you have regarding their absence. You are involved, but it’s not about you. The person most affected, is the child.

So everyone needs to start where they are… the relationship is over, but the child is here… in need of two parents. It takes two people to make a baby by God’s design, that design doesn’t stop at conception. The same way a man and woman fit together to make a child, they fit together to raise one.

Exit Scene…