If you can’t stand the heat…

“Women want too much”

“Black women are too aggressive”

“Older women with children aren’t desirable”

“Less than perfect women should not expect to be protected and provided for by a man”

“Strong women don’t intimidate men… unless she thinks strong means aggressive, rude, unpleasant, and outspoken”

Strong, old, Black, too short, too tall, too big, too skinny, and just people with vaginas say a rousing… Fuck you! The Trumps, Richard Spencers, Robert Fischers, Kevin Samuels, Umar Johnsons and all the men who subscribe to their particular brand of women hating can also grab a seat on the Fuck You train. Men who have taken credit for women’s accomplishments, deemed us too weak and not smart enough, or James Evan’ed us to the kitchen and the bedroom instead of the lectern, boardroom, classroom, or wherever the hell we wanted to be… fuck ya’ll too! Check this out, real men don’t sit around dissecting and dictating who and what women should and can be. Men with time to focus on what women are doing or not doing should perhaps find another job, lift some weights, pick up a hammer or chisel, do some carpentry or masonry, or choke on BBQ smoke. Pick one.

Sexism is a tale as old as time. Before a White man ever thought about enslaving a Black man, he was controlling his wife. Many extremely smart women in the 19th century and early 20th century never married, such as Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Caroline Hershel, or their accomplishments were credited to their husbands. Women feigned being dense or dim-witted to marry, because men weren’t interested in smart women, but women who would bear them heirs, look pretty on their arm, curtsy, and make a good biscuit for their tea. Sadly, not much has changed. Women who champion feminism and the rights of women, or those whose successes brought about the need for that championing are looked at as aggressive, masculine, independent, and uninterested in male companionship, marriage, child-bearing, and things the patriarchy paints as feminine. This is true across racial lines, and especially true, a remnant of both racism and sexism, for Black women.

Here is a truth… as a collective, NO other group of women in history have been as abandoned and abused, and then victim blamed as Black women. None. Our victimization has been at the hands of men: men in power, particularly White men, and men we share blood or affinity to, particularly Black men. Those are facts. Slavery separated us from our ancestral families in Africa and the ones we created in America. We were forced to bear the slave children of our Masters, creating an emotional wedge between us and our slave husbands. The Civil War left us without husbands, alone to raise children, who fought on the front lines for a country that would never treat us fairly. Jim Crow and Black Codes destroyed the communities of color we built, leaving us destitute and unable to feed, clothe, and house ourselves. Black women were forced to take on maid and mammy roles while Black men were forced out of the job market. Desperation and unjust laws left them jailed and us alone to raise kids with no men in the home, practically destroying the Black nuclear family.

Today, remnants of watching our single mothers struggle but persevere while knowing our father’s chose not to participate in our family reside just under the surface. We watched our brother’s take on man roles in a child’s body, and now see them struggling to overcome the stigma of incarceration. We remember our uncles, real and play, teaching them that manhood was about how many women, cars, and dollars you could stack and never showing emotion, compassion, or vulnerability. We see them mistreating our friends and sisters, helping themselves to whatever we have and leaving us worse off than we started. We stay at Friend of the Court trying to get them to help buy a pack of diapers or help pay for DeVanté, who looks just like his trifling ass, go to the private school so he can be a doctor like he always talks about. Before you get in your feelings, YES, there are plethora of Black men, men period, who are excellent husbands, fathers, friends, and leaders. We salute you!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 But for any man to spend his time determining that how we broadcast strength and resilience is wrong and indicative of our worth, without acknowledging what we have been through… he might want to consider that he is just further victimizing us with his judgement and patriarchal bullshit. Fuck you guy.

You want us in the kitchen frying your pickerel in lace underwear, real booty banging, hair laid (and it can be weave as long as you can’t tell), smiling and calling you King. But fish grease pops, so when we put our clothes back on we are rude, when we tie our hair back we are aggressive, and when we stop smiling we are rude. No, we just got fucking burned… but we keep on cooking. It’s you who can’t stand the heat bruh… so back your ass up out of the kitchen until your balls drop, you can grab them, and come help me tend to my burns. Until then, keep your fucked up opinions to yourself. How I exhibit strength is MY BUSINESS. If you don’t like it, then go find a woman you like, cuz the fact that you are talking about it MEANS that you are single af. Figure out why that is before you lay out your philosophy on why some woman, you don’t want, acts in a way you don’t agree with. Newsflash… she likely doesn’t give a fuck!

Your homework: Before you write a dissertation on why certain women are so undesirable, figure out why nobody wants you?!?

Women are always caping for men… all women. We keep your secrets, help you hide bodies, and cover your abuse with Maybelline… because we want to help make you better before we give up in you. But we are sick of your abuse, your judgements, your dominion… and we won’t continue to be your victims. We can be bad by ourselves. We can choose who and what we want to be. We can exist, live and breathe and walk and talk, without seeking your approval. And the entire truth is…

“Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” 1 Corinthians 11:9.

Get it right!

Sending your coochie through the phone

Ok so I am not calling ANYONE a ho… period. Your coochie, ultimately you do what you want with it. However, if you really want some semblance of a relationship you cannot serve yourself up like a T-bone, and expect the recipient of the meal to keep the bone after he is done. that’s now trash… it’s meatless, it’s dry, it’s pointless. So let’s stop hoping someone will take a bite by broadcasting ourselves as not just available, but ready, wide open, and STILL available. Sis put your phone down, binge watch a show, make a smoothie, stretch, window shop online, plan your next house project, read a book, look up some stocks, apply a face sheet mask, something… but stop sending your coochie through the phone. That ain’t the way.

Single folks get a bad rap… why you single, how are you single, what’s wrong with you, blah blah blah. The older you get the more intrusive snd ridiculous the inquiries and assumptions get. The game people play pitting married women against single women… is even more problematic and ridiculous. Be clear, the entire point is to be happy and successful… and there are many married women who are miserable. They have been cheated on, cheaters, lied to, liars, stolen from, disrespected, and chosen many times to stay with that loser because they’d rather be unhappy than single. All of that is their business, until they claim their married status makes them better or somehow in a better state than you because you are single. Nope. So I get the whole dilemma. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit and your coochie deserves better treatment than to be laid bare and unprotected as a lure for a man. Your coochie is lure for a man in panties, stockings, pants, and a full length coat. It’s like a worm to a fish… you ain’t gotta do nothing but have one. Then don’t let it be attached to someone dope and smart and loving… girl bye… you the whole prize. But you diminish that prize when you send your coochie through the phone. Don’t do it.

Plus it’s a whole pandemic. I get it, it’s highly entertaining scrolling through inbox messages and having conversations with folks from all walks of life interested in your wares… but trust me, The Undoing is more entertaining. Put your phone down. I also know that it can be a lonely time for folks who live alone. But folks carrying COVID in their pockets, so the most you can do safely is talk or engage on social media… and once you have pulled him with ur coochie he really isnt interested in your life story. So just be sure of what you want, and act accordingly. Cuz what you lead with is what you plead with… you can’t go asking for quality time and words of affirmation when you were only seemingly seeking horizontal attention and hinting at mouth massages at the outset.

See no matter how much Shawnee Easton tried to get Q to take her bait, he wanted Monica. She didn’t have to do anything but comb her hair and put on a dress and baby was banging. He stared a hole through her. She didn’t have to twerk on him, promise to “leave him satisfied” or otherwise make it known she was ready for whatever. She was who she was and that was enough…. say what, oh you are just being who you are too? Girl bye. Behavior and personal traits are not one in the same. Being easy isn’t a personality trait it’s a bad behavior. Stop. When we can identify why we are acting a certain way, whether it be insecurity, constant disappointment, fear of lack of control, etc. then our outward actions as a result are behaviors not personal qualities we are born with or nurtured into. Nope again. I guarantee, if you work on bring authentically you, the right guy will notice and come scoop you like the French Vanilla, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Deluxe treat that you are. I mean old boy is staring at her like she’s a milkshake… and you know what they say about milkshakes and boys.

Point is… mo matter what lies someone tells you or what mistruths they hide behind, no one wants to be alone. No one. So we all understand the desire to share your status so folks know you out here. But desperation and reckless availability is not whats up. A man that findeth a woman (cuz he had got to find a woman well before he finds a wife or anything else) findeth a good thing if she is a good woman… but that entails being a secure, confident, self-respecting woman. Now again, you can give your coochie to the masses and send it to the universe via rocketship if you desire… more power to you. But if what you’re really trying to effectuate is a great relationship with a great guy, chances are he has seen all the coochie grams you been sending through the phone. Great guys accept coochie grams too… but the probably won’t buy that you all Proverbs 31 too. I mean… I’m just saying… Don’t shoot the messenger.

If You Ain’t Got You

Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all, if I don’t got...”

ME.

It’s true, indeed. Being in and giving love is the best feeling in the world when it’s reciprocated and consistent and good. Full stop.

It is also true that there is nothing you can receive fully and completely if you are not already in a full fledged love relationship with yourself. Full stop.

Both things are absolutely true, but let’s talk about the latter.

Some people want diamond rings…

Since the beginning of time, women have received the social message that their most desired state should be married woman. Not healthy woman, smart woman, independent woman, good woman… but married woman. Our worth is most often tied to being with a man, and when we are single, our top priority should be being someone’s woman.

In an 1889 article, women who were unmarried were asked “Why are you a spinster?” , which was considered a negative term and brings to mind a homely woman, who looks older than her years, with a home full of cats. This woman’s response was brilliant,

While she was not the norm, her independence and desire to be emotionally healthy and not overburdened by the needs of others, was not common. During this time women were looked at as perpetual juveniles, needing to be told how to act, and needing a man to ensure she was taken care of, something she was considered ill-prepared to do for herself.

So there is no surprise that women were conditioned to believe they needed a man, and more specifically be married, as validation of their worth. And it continues today…

“15 Ways to get him to propose.”

“Why are you single and alone?”

“Being single too long ruins you”

Those are real titles of real modern day articles. But they are no excuse to be ringmatized.

So many women simply want to be married… not They want to be married so badly that they will diminish parts of themselves, silence parts of themselves, give up and damn near extirpate parts of their very being to fit into someone’s model of wife. They’ll do anything for the ring.

They alienate themselves from friends and family to be at someone else’s beck and call. They allow themselves to be groomed to fit into some made up version of matrimonial perfection. They grow their hair out, if he prefers it. They lose or gain weight, if he prefers it. They stop drinking, cursing, dancing, dressing sexy or comfortably, to appeal to him.

Is that ring or marriage more important than who you are? Are you willing to give up yourself so you no longer check the single box?

“Some just want everything…”

Yep, I don’t know about you, but I want it all. Not just a man. Not just a marriage. Never just a ring. And certainly not any of it at the expense of my spirit.

They make men as raggedy or as wonderful as you can imagine. Marriage can be as fulfilling or as empty as you and that man are willing to ensure it is. But you will never get the same you back that you gave up. Now you can heal her, but that takes a lot of hard and arduous work my friends. Think of all the unhealed souls you know. Many of them stay that way, stuck in the Matrix, for a very long time.

When you love yourself and treat her properly, you teach other people how to treat you. A healthy you is kind to herself, she protects herself, and she realizes her value. An unhealthy you believes she is incomplete. Choose health. You don’t have to heal from an illness you never had. And it’s called desperation. (I said what I said.) The willingness to put yourself on the line comes from the belief that you aren’t good enough, so when someone does pick you, you have to prove your worth through blind dedication and self-sacrifice. Nope wrong!

Instead, you can ensure that you enter into relationships with your self intact. You should not have to give up parts of yourself to be with another person. He should have picked differently if you weren’t his cup of tea with honey and crumpets. But if his pick was intentional, well… he wanted you… all of you… whole and complete and imperfect, but you! So be who you are. The world is better when we are who we are meant to be rather than who anyone else might want us to be! And we are better when we know our worth is not found outside of us, but comes from within, from our healed heart, loving soul, and intact spirit. Whether we are single af, taken, married, or in partnerships… we are worthy of His love and his love. Ain’t no ring worth this goodness!

“But everything means nothing, if I ain’t got…”

Me!

What is a “Single Mother”?

single adjective sin·gle |  \ ˈsiŋ-gəl   \

Definition of single

  1. not married
  2. unaccompanied by others 

A single woman is unmarried, she may be divorced or never married.

A single mother is a parent without the support of the other, typically male, parent, either due to choices or circumstances. She is unaccompanied by a co-parent in raising a child.

A mother who is a single woman is just that.

Being a single mother is inherently different than being a single woman.

I am a mother who is single. I am divorced. My ex-husband is present and active in my child’s life and sees him daily. I am not solely responsible for getting him to his destinations or coordinating his social activities. I do, as his custodial parent, make most of the choices regarding his daily life, and take care of the majority of his daily needs. I’m always on the clock. And while I am sure to include his father in the important discussions, often they are mine alone to make. Despite that, he and I have our disagreements about how he parents, but there is no doubt that he parents.

There is a fallacy that married women tend to have a monopoly on proper parenting and partnership. I disagree. Marital status does not dictate one’s success at parenting. That’s tomfoolish respectability politics. Furthermore, marriage is a choice. It is not the only legal designation that ensures that a woman has the legal rights to make choices about and be supported in case something happens to her partner. That is a misunderstanding that is propagated by ignorance of the law. Yes, marriage can be wonderful, but it’s not always the ideal situation for each woman, mother or not. Marriage should always be a choice, not a necessity or a sentence. Judge ya mama.

Besides, I know a lot of single mothers who are married. Yep, I’ll repeat it.

I know a lot of single mothers who are married.

Singleness in parenthood does not necessarily equate with marital status. There are plenty of wonderful men, married or unmarried to the mothers of their children who operate in partnership in parenthood. Likewise there are plenty of products of patriarchy that believe raising and tending to the needs of children is a woman’s role and his role is typically one of extremes… discipline versus fun or chastisement versus celebration, with not much else in between. He might be a parent biologically, but he’s not parenting. She is left alone in that role. Unaccompanied. Single.

If you can’t tell I despise this designation and it’s tricky definitions.

The truth is that because the percentage of single parent households in Black and Hispanic families are 65% and 42% compared to only 24% in White households (Children in single-parent families by race | KIDS COUNT Data Center”. datacenter.kidscount.org. Retrieved 2019-05-13. ), this entire topic is colored with stereotypes and assumptions not based in fact. In fact, that very set of data includes the caveat that the definition of single parent families includes a cohabiting parents (the two parents of the child living together) but not a remarried parent (one of the child’s parents and a stepparent). The entire discussion hinges on a set of inconsistent data and conjecture that serves to more easily label Black non-traditional families. It’s a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me.

While I might generally dislike the term “single mother”, I understand it’s general context. In the spirit of the use of single mother to mean an unmarried, divorced, or widowed mother, let’s be clear about who that woman is and what you should not assume about her.

Never automatically assume a single mother is…

  • alone
  • lonely
  • unpartnered
  • struggling
  • looking for a daddy for her kid(s)
  • financially unstable
  • available
  • unavailable
  • parenting alone
  • a charity case

So if she’s not automatically those things, what IS a single mother?

She’s a MF’in superhero!

Even with a co-parent in the cockpit, she flies that invisible jet over every obstacle, tear, disappointment, celebration, punishment, hug, kiss, tantrum, school project, broken heart, broken arm, and broken dream with her cape flying behind her. She has one uniform with an S on her chest, another one with a lasso and gold cuffs. Whether sewing on a button, giving a mid-week line up, playing tea party, or helping with significant numbers… she does it all while paying bills, organizing the house, and getting the oil changed. She’s a parent every single day, at every single minute, and that’s a sacrifice and a blessing unlike any other. She’s both super and a wonder.

She’s a business, man, selling water to wells. She’s a hustla baby… I just wanted you to know.

And just in case you wanna date her, don’t be stingy with dinero… cuz she already got to spend to go out with you!