Ever Too Much?

Lutha (Vandross… you know of him) said “a thousand kisses from you was never too much” perhaps depending on who is doing the kissing and the frequency… we talking one after another constantly or over time, wet or dry, tongue or no tongue or a combination?

Cuz yes, a thousand kisses even from that guy could be too much. There can be too much talking, too much silence, too much work, too much chillin, too much taking… but can there be too much giving!?!?

Too much of anything makes you an addict.” -Nice & Smooth “Sometimes I Rhyme Slow”

I’m a big believer in balance. Anytime you get too out of balance there is an effect on health… be it physical, emotional, relational, or otherwise. Choosing to be out of balance is usually tied to some toxic need. Working out eight hours a day, might be linked to a need for control or perfection. Similarly, sleeping all day might be linked to a need to suppress emotions or experiences. Working beyond necessity because you are afraid to fail. Playing and partying to the hilt because you are afraid to win. Over giving to feel worthy of love or to get accolades and over taking due to feelings of grandiosity or narcissism.

Those unbalanced actions and feelings need to be dealt with and healed, otherwise you will either miss your blessing, spoil your opportunity, or push people away. Let’s focus on the give and take, more on the give than the take.

Women have been groomed to be givers. Since the beginning of time, women in the home have been the givers of care, love, and nurture to their spouses, children, and parents when they reach an age of need. Women in the past didn’t work and were not taught and raised to have dreams of their own, other than to be wives and mothers. Social titles that all required being responsible for other people before themselves. Even as women joined the workforce and are matching men in terms of employment hours, responsibilities, titles, and pay, we were still deemed responsible for management of the home. Cooking, cleaning, mothering…

Then add to that being a Black woman. The image that comes to mind is the wet nurse, feeding the white baby at her full breast and her own hungry Black child at the other. No self or bodily autonomy, simply a vehicle for the needs of others. Cook, house maid, hand maid, concubine, incubator, and personal refrigerator. Forced during slavery, and expected even today. Be a public lady, a professional, a private whore, and Wonder Woman all in one. Cooking, cleAning, mothering, all while looking 16 at 36. Too murch.

I’m the only one putting shots up, and like a potluck you need to come wit it.” -Drake “Too Much”

So it’s no surprise that women tend to give of themselves in excess. However, most of that is out of responsibility for the roles we have taken on by choice- wife, mother, care giver…professional or otherwise. What about those of us who put ourselves out there as givers… who want to be seen as givers?

Giving that comes from generosity that expects nothing in return is healthy and normal. But over giving to fulfill a need often comes at a cost to both the giver and the receiver. The over giver often forces or attempts to force their help, opinions, generosity into others, so the person on the receiving end isn’t really a taker by choice. That not only puts a strain on the givers ability to tend to their own personal needs but on the receivers boundaries as well. The receiver may not want or need it.

The over giver usually has a self esteem issue that seeks value and worth outside of themselves. They people please to get compliments and attention to feed their ego because they cannot find that internal boost. It is often seen in people seeking desperately to be liked or to fit into certain spaces. It’s like a square peg attempting to fit into a round hole, and never settling into the open square. When people tire of giving that incessant attention, the over giver will move to another source. But there will never be enough on the outside to quell a lack on the inside. What a tiring and stressful existence.

Too much just ain’t enough to keep her satisfied.” -Green Day “Too Much Too Soon”

The truth is, that despite what history has told us, we will be loved, liked, paid attention to, forgiven for our past transgressions, seen for who we have become not just who we were, if we are good people who value humanity and give of ourselves for the sake of sharing our blessings. It isn’t necessary to try to be known or seen as a giver. It isn’t necessary to give beyond our own financial or personal means. In fact, that’s not genuine and not from a place of kindness but from a place of need. When we give for need, we aren’t really giving but taking away from ourselves and the receiver. Taking from our own reserve and giving the receiver an inauthentic message that we want to help them when really we just want to help ourselves. Heal that shit. It’s unhealthy and will likely lead to the opposite of what you are seeking.

Drinking water is necessary for living, too little and you be dehydrated, but too much water can lead to a sort of internal drowning. Seek balance… anything else is too much!

All worlds a birthday cake, do take a piece but not too much.” -The Beatles “It’s all Too Much”